NO MORE! RAWR!
One main reason why everyone starts on-line journals is so their friends can see how they are doing, what they are thinking, let out steam, and just share with everyone what they want them to know. As all of you probably know, I haven't been myself at all for almost a year now and I've been trying so hard to be the person I once was. Granted, people change over time and change is a good thing and I'm not saying I hate who I've become because really, I do like who I am now. I'm more open to everything life is and has to offer, I've expanded my thoughts and beliefs, I'm rarely stressed with my major where as fresh. year, I was always stressed with music, it just became a chore than something I loved doing.
So yeah...where am I going with all of this? The majority of the time, I was so happy all the time. And it didn't end with high school. The beginning of college was so much fun for me, I was rarely in my room, not that I didn't love Karlene and Gretchen cuz I do, I love them to death and sometimes I regret not spending more time with them at the very beginning, but every day pretty much I was having so much fun on the 4th floor with my friends down there. Granted I'm not friends with them anymore, but I don't regret being friends with them at one point even with the end result because we did have so much fun together. I didn't feel the need to think about my feelings at all, I just lived life. Whatever happend, happend and I didn't care. I worried about a few things, but that's part of living life. Even the most happiest people in the world worry a tiny bit about something. Looking back, I don't remember just sitting and thinking for an hour. Maybe it was I lived in Browne and Corbin. Any music major can verify that one! Never a dull moment... Haha, one of the groups in facebook is Browne lobby, granted I'm in browne that often, heck Art had to ask me who I was today cuz he had no clue...that's proof right there I'm not in there that much. But I know most everyone in the music dept. Yeah, there's a lot I don't know, but I think I at least know a little over half of them from all my music classes in the past plus whatever. I just don't feel happy anymore. I always used to be such a bubbly person. There were a few things that brought me down every once in a while, but for the most part, even when I was the most down, someone could always say something that would make me laugh so hard I'd almost be in tears from laughter and usually, I could always do that for someone else, make them laugh really hard when they were down. I don't feel like I can do that anymore...
My conclusion for this...I've been thinking way to much...I think I really have lost one of my friends this week because of my thinking and being emotional. I really hope that's not the case (that I've lost him as a friend forever). Maybe we just need time away from each other and I can heal my emtional outburst and become myself again, the bubbly, who cares, it will all work out in the end personality instead of this almost depressed personality. I used to feel that I was the least depressed person on the face of the planet, but here lately, I'm not too sure about that. Heck...one time when I went to the doctor's senior year cuz I was always so tired all the time (turns out I think it was just senior year stress, plus still having mono in my system from soph year), but anyways he look one look at me and was like "well, we can rule out depression cuz just by looking at you I know you're not depressed, you look the opposite." I think I maybe I just need to hear that again to snap me out of this because this isn't me. I often wonder lately if I'm feeling like this because of everything that happend with Casey...when we first started going out, I was so much in love, it was such an awesome feeling, he meant everything to me. I never thought of anything when I was with him, just explosions of happiness. But then something just snapped with us...we weren't the same couple we once were. I think it happend middle of March...okay, so it hasn't been a full year that I've felt like crap, but almost. It's still far too long to be unhappy for. But yeah...we just started fighting more, talking about breaking up, plus him being 4 1/2 hrs away didn't help...I didn't have Amy next door to me anymore and Katie and I weren't best friends then, yeah, we were friends from the second we met, but we weren't best friends. I had Tom on campus with me which helped, he's Casey's best friend. But he wasn't Casey. Who knows...maybe if he wasn't so far away at that point and we could REALLY work though that time, we might still be together today. We just drifted so far apart, I don't know him anymore. Granted he really hurt me a week after we broke up for good which made me wish we never went out at that time cuz I was so hurt and he acted like he didn't even care he hurt me, but there are times even now that I think back on a memory of us and just smile for a minute. I really loved him with ALL of my heart and maybe the fact deep down I knew we were drifting apart just made me start thinking, and thinking, to the point I couldn't stop thinking. And I've just been thinking for far too long which is affecting how I live life right now and making me make calls on emotions instead of what is really right. I feel like I have so many regrets with all of this, but I know I don't cuz I really can't think of any. I couldn't help what happend between us and I thought maybe I could convince him of my feelings, which most of the time I was very successful...maybe almost too successful...He would say one thing and I said what I thought of what he just said, give reasons why I thought that and then he agreed which made us good again if things were iffy. I just don't know anymore... I do know one thing though...I need to be happy before I do things I will regret later, like I did ALL last week. I think I just need to stop thinking. I catch myself just sitting in my room, doing nothing really, just thinking about everything...all these 'what if' questions which is not healthy at all. I haven't been eating...well, yeah, I have, just not much... For example today all I've had was a sandwich from the vending machines and a package of ding dongs. That's it...it's 10:15 at night right now. I feel like I have so many problems right now...too many for anyone to be close to me. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. I need to have that attitude of life I used to have....no worries...everything will work out in the end...just have faith...everything happens for a reason...I've been so wrapped up in my feelings lately, I haven't been thinking like that. I would say I need to force myself to that way of thinking again, but if I force myself...wouldn't that just be counterdicting myself? I don't need force in my life. I just need to let things go. So what if something doesn't go the way I think it will or want it to go...there's a ton more opportunites in life. I can't dwell on one thing in my life right now...or ever for that matter, I just need to say "oh well...maybe next time" and move on with something else. Here lately, the only thing that is going through my brain is guys and getting everyone done I need to get done now (such as stuff for classes). I just think "what do I have to do today...can this wait?" and just do what can't wait. Nothing else. I've been wanting to go to the rec to swim, but then I think "it's too cold, I don't feel like it." Well, swimming would be REALLY good for me right now, not only is it something I love doing, it's exercise, I don't think when I swim, I just do it, I just feel comfortable and free in the water. I don't have a care in the world then. That was something I realized when I took swimming class here for my gen ed requirement. I never realized that before...I knew I felt free and not a care in the world...but I never realized I don't think, I just swim. It's just so good for the sole! I just need a night of fun with no worries in the world. Maybe I should drag someone to go to the bars w/me, I don't drink, but I have a ton of fun laughing at the drunks, lol. Not to mention I've never been to the bars before. I don't know. It just needs to be nice out, like 70 degrees out, bright and sunny, just a little something to lift my spirits and make me feel free...cuz yucky weather brings me down a little, unless I'm extremely happy, I don't have a care in the world. I just really need to have that feeling right now...no cares in the world, that right there will make me happy. I don't need an event to make me happy, heck, even just the little things make me happy! Like me starting the trend with the really long survey last night, lol. I just need a good day! I've been unhappy too long and I'm sick of it. I can't let whatever bother me anymore. I don't even know what really is bothering me...I have a ton of theories, but when I try to work through them...I don't think I'm right. I know this isn't about anyone but me, I know I was talking about Casey earlier, but that was when I first realized how long I've felt like this. I feel like I've been crying daily lately. There's no need for that. There's no need for any of this. There's no reason to be sad...but there's a ton of reasons to be happy, and I just need to keep thinking that...not dwelling on what's been going on either here lately or way in the past. One thing I'm thankful for...the whole time I've been feeling horrible...the whole what...10 months? I've been very optimisitic...I know it may not seem like it, it may seem like I'm focus on the negative...but I've been trying to put a positive spin on everything...but the fact that I don't know what is going on is what brought me down...not that I was thinking the worse case cuz I wasn't. Not knowing annoys me...and it makes me worried about what is going on, which is why everything runs through my head, negative and positive, I may think the negative will happen, but I focus on the postive in hopes that it actually will happen. Also, I think not expecting anything will help to. I think something will happen and when it doesn't, I feel sad. So if I don't think something will happen, there's no expectations, so I can't be sad!
Sorry for this really long entry, but I just really had to get all of this out of my system and hopefully it helped me and become a better and happier person. If you've read every single word of this, thank you, that means a lot to me! You are a great friend! And if you're worried about me right now...don't be, I've always been a strong person, I can always get through anything with a smile (well, okay, one time I didn't, but that's one time out of 20 1/2 yrs, pretty darn good if ya ask me!). This is nothing I can't handle, I will be myself again and I am INCREDIBLY sorry for putting everyone, esp. my closest friends through all of this, and even more esp. if I've hurt you because I've been like this. I promise...I will be the happy, bubbly person again you all know and love! Unless you've only known me for 2 yrs or less...you haven't seen nothing! If you've seen anything...think of the happiest you've ever seen me as a very tiny preview! And if you haven't seen me on a regular basis in 2 yrs...you may be very confused right now...but not to worry, this won't last much longer!
LOVE YA!
Janelle
So yeah...where am I going with all of this? The majority of the time, I was so happy all the time. And it didn't end with high school. The beginning of college was so much fun for me, I was rarely in my room, not that I didn't love Karlene and Gretchen cuz I do, I love them to death and sometimes I regret not spending more time with them at the very beginning, but every day pretty much I was having so much fun on the 4th floor with my friends down there. Granted I'm not friends with them anymore, but I don't regret being friends with them at one point even with the end result because we did have so much fun together. I didn't feel the need to think about my feelings at all, I just lived life. Whatever happend, happend and I didn't care. I worried about a few things, but that's part of living life. Even the most happiest people in the world worry a tiny bit about something. Looking back, I don't remember just sitting and thinking for an hour. Maybe it was I lived in Browne and Corbin. Any music major can verify that one! Never a dull moment... Haha, one of the groups in facebook is Browne lobby, granted I'm in browne that often, heck Art had to ask me who I was today cuz he had no clue...that's proof right there I'm not in there that much. But I know most everyone in the music dept. Yeah, there's a lot I don't know, but I think I at least know a little over half of them from all my music classes in the past plus whatever. I just don't feel happy anymore. I always used to be such a bubbly person. There were a few things that brought me down every once in a while, but for the most part, even when I was the most down, someone could always say something that would make me laugh so hard I'd almost be in tears from laughter and usually, I could always do that for someone else, make them laugh really hard when they were down. I don't feel like I can do that anymore...
My conclusion for this...I've been thinking way to much...I think I really have lost one of my friends this week because of my thinking and being emotional. I really hope that's not the case (that I've lost him as a friend forever). Maybe we just need time away from each other and I can heal my emtional outburst and become myself again, the bubbly, who cares, it will all work out in the end personality instead of this almost depressed personality. I used to feel that I was the least depressed person on the face of the planet, but here lately, I'm not too sure about that. Heck...one time when I went to the doctor's senior year cuz I was always so tired all the time (turns out I think it was just senior year stress, plus still having mono in my system from soph year), but anyways he look one look at me and was like "well, we can rule out depression cuz just by looking at you I know you're not depressed, you look the opposite." I think I maybe I just need to hear that again to snap me out of this because this isn't me. I often wonder lately if I'm feeling like this because of everything that happend with Casey...when we first started going out, I was so much in love, it was such an awesome feeling, he meant everything to me. I never thought of anything when I was with him, just explosions of happiness. But then something just snapped with us...we weren't the same couple we once were. I think it happend middle of March...okay, so it hasn't been a full year that I've felt like crap, but almost. It's still far too long to be unhappy for. But yeah...we just started fighting more, talking about breaking up, plus him being 4 1/2 hrs away didn't help...I didn't have Amy next door to me anymore and Katie and I weren't best friends then, yeah, we were friends from the second we met, but we weren't best friends. I had Tom on campus with me which helped, he's Casey's best friend. But he wasn't Casey. Who knows...maybe if he wasn't so far away at that point and we could REALLY work though that time, we might still be together today. We just drifted so far apart, I don't know him anymore. Granted he really hurt me a week after we broke up for good which made me wish we never went out at that time cuz I was so hurt and he acted like he didn't even care he hurt me, but there are times even now that I think back on a memory of us and just smile for a minute. I really loved him with ALL of my heart and maybe the fact deep down I knew we were drifting apart just made me start thinking, and thinking, to the point I couldn't stop thinking. And I've just been thinking for far too long which is affecting how I live life right now and making me make calls on emotions instead of what is really right. I feel like I have so many regrets with all of this, but I know I don't cuz I really can't think of any. I couldn't help what happend between us and I thought maybe I could convince him of my feelings, which most of the time I was very successful...maybe almost too successful...He would say one thing and I said what I thought of what he just said, give reasons why I thought that and then he agreed which made us good again if things were iffy. I just don't know anymore... I do know one thing though...I need to be happy before I do things I will regret later, like I did ALL last week. I think I just need to stop thinking. I catch myself just sitting in my room, doing nothing really, just thinking about everything...all these 'what if' questions which is not healthy at all. I haven't been eating...well, yeah, I have, just not much... For example today all I've had was a sandwich from the vending machines and a package of ding dongs. That's it...it's 10:15 at night right now. I feel like I have so many problems right now...too many for anyone to be close to me. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. I need to have that attitude of life I used to have....no worries...everything will work out in the end...just have faith...everything happens for a reason...I've been so wrapped up in my feelings lately, I haven't been thinking like that. I would say I need to force myself to that way of thinking again, but if I force myself...wouldn't that just be counterdicting myself? I don't need force in my life. I just need to let things go. So what if something doesn't go the way I think it will or want it to go...there's a ton more opportunites in life. I can't dwell on one thing in my life right now...or ever for that matter, I just need to say "oh well...maybe next time" and move on with something else. Here lately, the only thing that is going through my brain is guys and getting everyone done I need to get done now (such as stuff for classes). I just think "what do I have to do today...can this wait?" and just do what can't wait. Nothing else. I've been wanting to go to the rec to swim, but then I think "it's too cold, I don't feel like it." Well, swimming would be REALLY good for me right now, not only is it something I love doing, it's exercise, I don't think when I swim, I just do it, I just feel comfortable and free in the water. I don't have a care in the world then. That was something I realized when I took swimming class here for my gen ed requirement. I never realized that before...I knew I felt free and not a care in the world...but I never realized I don't think, I just swim. It's just so good for the sole! I just need a night of fun with no worries in the world. Maybe I should drag someone to go to the bars w/me, I don't drink, but I have a ton of fun laughing at the drunks, lol. Not to mention I've never been to the bars before. I don't know. It just needs to be nice out, like 70 degrees out, bright and sunny, just a little something to lift my spirits and make me feel free...cuz yucky weather brings me down a little, unless I'm extremely happy, I don't have a care in the world. I just really need to have that feeling right now...no cares in the world, that right there will make me happy. I don't need an event to make me happy, heck, even just the little things make me happy! Like me starting the trend with the really long survey last night, lol. I just need a good day! I've been unhappy too long and I'm sick of it. I can't let whatever bother me anymore. I don't even know what really is bothering me...I have a ton of theories, but when I try to work through them...I don't think I'm right. I know this isn't about anyone but me, I know I was talking about Casey earlier, but that was when I first realized how long I've felt like this. I feel like I've been crying daily lately. There's no need for that. There's no need for any of this. There's no reason to be sad...but there's a ton of reasons to be happy, and I just need to keep thinking that...not dwelling on what's been going on either here lately or way in the past. One thing I'm thankful for...the whole time I've been feeling horrible...the whole what...10 months? I've been very optimisitic...I know it may not seem like it, it may seem like I'm focus on the negative...but I've been trying to put a positive spin on everything...but the fact that I don't know what is going on is what brought me down...not that I was thinking the worse case cuz I wasn't. Not knowing annoys me...and it makes me worried about what is going on, which is why everything runs through my head, negative and positive, I may think the negative will happen, but I focus on the postive in hopes that it actually will happen. Also, I think not expecting anything will help to. I think something will happen and when it doesn't, I feel sad. So if I don't think something will happen, there's no expectations, so I can't be sad!
Sorry for this really long entry, but I just really had to get all of this out of my system and hopefully it helped me and become a better and happier person. If you've read every single word of this, thank you, that means a lot to me! You are a great friend! And if you're worried about me right now...don't be, I've always been a strong person, I can always get through anything with a smile (well, okay, one time I didn't, but that's one time out of 20 1/2 yrs, pretty darn good if ya ask me!). This is nothing I can't handle, I will be myself again and I am INCREDIBLY sorry for putting everyone, esp. my closest friends through all of this, and even more esp. if I've hurt you because I've been like this. I promise...I will be the happy, bubbly person again you all know and love! Unless you've only known me for 2 yrs or less...you haven't seen nothing! If you've seen anything...think of the happiest you've ever seen me as a very tiny preview! And if you haven't seen me on a regular basis in 2 yrs...you may be very confused right now...but not to worry, this won't last much longer!
LOVE YA!
Janelle