I'm on me BREAK: A Farce In One Act
Setting: A DART Station, 10:20am, Tuesday
The Cast:
Jane........played by Jane
Ticket Bitch.....played by the DART ticket agent
Sinead.......played by Sinead.
Jane: [into phone] Yeah, hang on a minute, I just have to buy a DART ticket.
The Ticket Bitch is sitting motionless in the ticket booth. Jane stands there for a moment, then knocks gently on the glass. The Ticket Bitch continues to sit quietly, bitchily ignoring Jane. Jane knocks again. The Ticket Bitch lunges at the glass, sandwich held like the knife of a crazy person.
Ticket Bitch: Go away and use the machine.
Jane: I can't use the machine. I need to go to Dun Laoghaire and then back into Tara Street. The machine only gives straight return tickets.
Ticket Bitch: I'm on me break.
Jane: And?
Jane laughs into the phone. Ticket Bitch apparently despises mirth.
Sinead: What's going on? Is she shouting at you?
Jane: A little. [laughs]
Ticket Bitch: You don't have to be so rude.
Jane: I wasn't rude. I just want to buy a ticket.
Ticket Bitch: Well I'm on me break. It's rude.
Jane: Okay, you told me. [laughs some more.]
Jane passes a tenner through the ticket window. The Ticket Bitch rolls her fat, hairy eyeballs at it, doesn't want to accept it.
Ticket Bitch: Got anything smaller?
Jane: No, sorry.
Ticket Bitch: You are so rude!
Jane: How am I rude? I just need to buy a ticket. You're in the booth where tickets are sold. Your break isn't actually my problem.
Sinead: Is she still calling you names?
Jane: Yes, a little.
Ticket Bitch: How dare you be so rude to me after I got up for you and everything.
Jane: But it's your job. This is where you work. You are at work.
Ticket Bitch: But I'm on me break.
Jane: Okay then, thanks.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In other news, I'm more and more keen to make these reality TV shows I've devised. Sure, I could sell them for big money, but I don't want the money. I don't even want the glory. No, just the satisfaction of a job well done, the satisfaction of making already tense situations much more violent, dangerous, and exciting. A job well done on the next big thing, the show that will allow me to write my own ticket in the world of reality television, perhaps television in general, perhaps life in general: Bride Fight. I need not even tell you what it's about and you'll watch it. You'll watch it because you know what you're going to get. It's not like Big Brother, "Oh, will they fight? Or won't they fight?" No, ma'am, those brides are going to fight. And how! No 'standing on ceremony' here, just a knock-down, drag-out brawl, complete with breakaway over-the-head stool-shots. Bride versus bride. You know you want it. Or maybe you don't. But you know I want it. I do.
And then there's the spinoff, Bridesmaid Battle Royale.
The Cast:
Jane........played by Jane
Ticket Bitch.....played by the DART ticket agent
Sinead.......played by Sinead.
Jane: [into phone] Yeah, hang on a minute, I just have to buy a DART ticket.
The Ticket Bitch is sitting motionless in the ticket booth. Jane stands there for a moment, then knocks gently on the glass. The Ticket Bitch continues to sit quietly, bitchily ignoring Jane. Jane knocks again. The Ticket Bitch lunges at the glass, sandwich held like the knife of a crazy person.
Ticket Bitch: Go away and use the machine.
Jane: I can't use the machine. I need to go to Dun Laoghaire and then back into Tara Street. The machine only gives straight return tickets.
Ticket Bitch: I'm on me break.
Jane: And?
Jane laughs into the phone. Ticket Bitch apparently despises mirth.
Sinead: What's going on? Is she shouting at you?
Jane: A little. [laughs]
Ticket Bitch: You don't have to be so rude.
Jane: I wasn't rude. I just want to buy a ticket.
Ticket Bitch: Well I'm on me break. It's rude.
Jane: Okay, you told me. [laughs some more.]
Jane passes a tenner through the ticket window. The Ticket Bitch rolls her fat, hairy eyeballs at it, doesn't want to accept it.
Ticket Bitch: Got anything smaller?
Jane: No, sorry.
Ticket Bitch: You are so rude!
Jane: How am I rude? I just need to buy a ticket. You're in the booth where tickets are sold. Your break isn't actually my problem.
Sinead: Is she still calling you names?
Jane: Yes, a little.
Ticket Bitch: How dare you be so rude to me after I got up for you and everything.
Jane: But it's your job. This is where you work. You are at work.
Ticket Bitch: But I'm on me break.
Jane: Okay then, thanks.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In other news, I'm more and more keen to make these reality TV shows I've devised. Sure, I could sell them for big money, but I don't want the money. I don't even want the glory. No, just the satisfaction of a job well done, the satisfaction of making already tense situations much more violent, dangerous, and exciting. A job well done on the next big thing, the show that will allow me to write my own ticket in the world of reality television, perhaps television in general, perhaps life in general: Bride Fight. I need not even tell you what it's about and you'll watch it. You'll watch it because you know what you're going to get. It's not like Big Brother, "Oh, will they fight? Or won't they fight?" No, ma'am, those brides are going to fight. And how! No 'standing on ceremony' here, just a knock-down, drag-out brawl, complete with breakaway over-the-head stool-shots. Bride versus bride. You know you want it. Or maybe you don't. But you know I want it. I do.
And then there's the spinoff, Bridesmaid Battle Royale.