i really kind of hate him
Just, for whatever reason, I can't bring myself to the full intensity of the emotion I should thoroughly have. I don't know what is wrong with me because I know I have every right to be angry but all I am is empty and sad. I'm not sure I've ever had someone that made me feel so bad about myself that I couldn't be honest with them. There's been times when someone has been in my life treating me like crap but I have stood up and yelled back at them. Right now, the silence is pounding. I want to cover my ears and pretend that will block the sounds that are making the thoughts swirl around in my head. I think it's because I feel like this is my fault. I really do kind of hate him, but it makes me hate myself more.
I'm reading this amazing book called What Remains by Carole Radziwill. I had this English class awhile back that I had to keep a notebook for. One section was quotes and we needed to collect quotes that made us think or laugh or want to share them with someone. This book is so well written in a style that utterly captivates me that if I were still keeping that notebook, I would have a quote from about every other pages. If that is an exaggeration, it is only a slight one. It's about this woman's life. Pieces from here and there, mostly from the time she met her husband and through his death from cancer. Some of the things she shares are things she had probably never told her family or his before and as I continue to turn the pages, I find myself wondering if they have read these thoughts and regrets she included. I wonder what they think. I wonder if I wrote a book that detailed the past few years of my life how much would be surprising or offensive or thought provoking to those who know me.
The thing is that everything that happens in your life also belongs to other people. The disgusting part is that at times what is earth-shattering to you creates no memory for the other people involved. I saw an old friend at a wedding and I was so excited to see her again. I hadn't seen her since we were fourteen and she was my very best friend in junior high. She impacted my life in intense ways and we lost touch because we both moved during that year. She was lousy at writing letters and after awhile I was only writing those who wrote back because that's just how it goes. I still always wondered what was new in her life and hoped I'd see her again someday so when I found out she would be at this wedding, I was very excited. Then she introduced me to her husband as a girl she met once in junior high. I was momentarily crushed. I guess that although I had always wondered about her, my memory faded off into the distance in her mind.
If I always acted while remembering I will impact those around me in countless ways I will never even be aware of, how different would my life be? Maybe that's impossible to always be thinking about, but it is possible to take more care with my words and actions. Then maybe I won't be wishing I could hate someone or at the very least say that there is something wrong.
I'm reading this amazing book called What Remains by Carole Radziwill. I had this English class awhile back that I had to keep a notebook for. One section was quotes and we needed to collect quotes that made us think or laugh or want to share them with someone. This book is so well written in a style that utterly captivates me that if I were still keeping that notebook, I would have a quote from about every other pages. If that is an exaggeration, it is only a slight one. It's about this woman's life. Pieces from here and there, mostly from the time she met her husband and through his death from cancer. Some of the things she shares are things she had probably never told her family or his before and as I continue to turn the pages, I find myself wondering if they have read these thoughts and regrets she included. I wonder what they think. I wonder if I wrote a book that detailed the past few years of my life how much would be surprising or offensive or thought provoking to those who know me.
The thing is that everything that happens in your life also belongs to other people. The disgusting part is that at times what is earth-shattering to you creates no memory for the other people involved. I saw an old friend at a wedding and I was so excited to see her again. I hadn't seen her since we were fourteen and she was my very best friend in junior high. She impacted my life in intense ways and we lost touch because we both moved during that year. She was lousy at writing letters and after awhile I was only writing those who wrote back because that's just how it goes. I still always wondered what was new in her life and hoped I'd see her again someday so when I found out she would be at this wedding, I was very excited. Then she introduced me to her husband as a girl she met once in junior high. I was momentarily crushed. I guess that although I had always wondered about her, my memory faded off into the distance in her mind.
If I always acted while remembering I will impact those around me in countless ways I will never even be aware of, how different would my life be? Maybe that's impossible to always be thinking about, but it is possible to take more care with my words and actions. Then maybe I won't be wishing I could hate someone or at the very least say that there is something wrong.