i think i found the missing ingredient
ive been looking for something(arent we all right)...but over the past few months it has become unblindly clear...i miss playing music. i must face the fears i have of playing in front of people to heal myself from old wounds. see...those of you that have known me for a long time know that music use to be my life(not just listening to it). i have traced the problem back to when my brother and his wife asked me to sing a solo at their wedding.what they didnt tell me was that i would be singing after a couple who were college grads of music from montevallo. i got the music a week or two before the wedding which was also in the middle of school finals and such before the end of my junior year. i had never sung in front of that many people before and i didnt know the artist or the song(christian singer stephen curtis chapman). there were several verses and it was kinda long so i was having a really hard time learning even the words not to mention the fact that we tried to change keys the day before only to resort back to the tape the day of(i dont like singing with tapes at all). the other couple went on and blew everyone away(they were college grads so i hope so after all that training). then it was my turn...this is a painful memory by the way...i stood up...went to the front...got severe stage fright due to underpreparedness...the music started to play...god i hate this part...i sang the first line and then...nothing...my mind went completely blank. i stood there frozen with a church full of people staring at me after the other folks had done so beautifully. i tried even to make up some words but that was even worse. after an eternity had passed the sound guy thought i had had enough embarrassment to last me the rest of my life and he slowly turned down the music. heres the worst part...i was a groomsman so i couldnt even sit down or better yet leave. i had to keep standing there for another eternity and listen to all of this christian mumbo jumbo and i just wanted to die or at least leave my body.
IF THEY HAD JUST LET ME BRING A TOWEL! (south park code for smoke some herb)...you know... the towelly ban? (sorry im laughing my ass off here). my mother told me afterward that the only thing that kept her from crying uncontrollably was the fact that she knew how upset i probably was.
i think this single event changed the course of my life leaving me with debilitating fears that i havent even begun to work through 14 years later. it ruined me from performing without a large group up there with me and could even be linked to my fears of commitment.
thing is... over the past few months ive been revisiting my old life(pre-zachary) and think i might have stumbled into something. ive been doing a lot of singing as of late and it has been giving me shivers. I MUST CLIMB BACK ONTO THE SADDLE AND RIDE AGAIN(sorry i was raised on westerns). im not saying that i want to do it for a living but i know now that this is something missing from my life that makes it more worth living(im not suicidal so dont get the wrong idea..life just kinda sucks right now). i must begin to write my own stuff and try to get this crap out of me...FACE YOUR FEARS JAMOE!....NOW! NOT NEXT WEEK NOW YOU...no need to get negative self...negative thoughts dont produce positive results(written on a church sign down the street)...sign from god...you be the judge...i just know that im ready to begin life where i left off replacing the paralyzing fears with a new sense of urgency and courage.
IF THEY HAD JUST LET ME BRING A TOWEL! (south park code for smoke some herb)...you know... the towelly ban? (sorry im laughing my ass off here). my mother told me afterward that the only thing that kept her from crying uncontrollably was the fact that she knew how upset i probably was.
i think this single event changed the course of my life leaving me with debilitating fears that i havent even begun to work through 14 years later. it ruined me from performing without a large group up there with me and could even be linked to my fears of commitment.
thing is... over the past few months ive been revisiting my old life(pre-zachary) and think i might have stumbled into something. ive been doing a lot of singing as of late and it has been giving me shivers. I MUST CLIMB BACK ONTO THE SADDLE AND RIDE AGAIN(sorry i was raised on westerns). im not saying that i want to do it for a living but i know now that this is something missing from my life that makes it more worth living(im not suicidal so dont get the wrong idea..life just kinda sucks right now). i must begin to write my own stuff and try to get this crap out of me...FACE YOUR FEARS JAMOE!....NOW! NOT NEXT WEEK NOW YOU...no need to get negative self...negative thoughts dont produce positive results(written on a church sign down the street)...sign from god...you be the judge...i just know that im ready to begin life where i left off replacing the paralyzing fears with a new sense of urgency and courage.