Death
I haven't been saying anything about this mainly because I've had problems dealing with it.
A few months ago, one of my parent's friends got diagnosed with a brain tumor. He had collapsed at work and they did many tests. I had known him for a long time, he and a lot of my parent's friend played soccer and I went to play with my dad so we could spend time together. We were never close the relationship was usually my dad's or my mom's friend.... an older person.
Well, when they did the CAT scans, they found not 1 but 3 tumors. All of them looked like flattened dark masses. The largest one being in the occipital (back) region of his brain. Surgery was scheduled at once.
It was more exploratory in nature, to be exact, the surgeons went in, found that the occipital tumor could be removed. after 4 hours of surgery, they removed one of the tumors. Bad news was that they were able to reach just a little bit of the second tumor and none of the third. they did a biopsy of the tumors and found that they were rampantly malignant. The tumors were off-shoots of each other and were spreading.
So what to do? Chemotherapy and radiation were to be used next and this was 2 months ago. The tumors showed some response to them but not enough. The doctor deemed it terminal cancer and gave him 6 months.
On to the second opinion. Same except that the second doc said that he wouldn't have even started chemotherapy as the cancer was so explosively malignant that it would have been better that he hadn't gone through the ordeal that is chemotherapy.
he gradually lost some control over his body, speech went first then his ability to walk. Then little bits of memory here and there.
He lasted no more than 3 and half months from the original collapse that uncovered all. My parents told me that he railed against death in his final moments... that he was crying hard and writhing against the coming moments as I'm sure he knew the end was near.
I could only bring myself to visit him once. I saw him there and bad bad bad thoughts started creeping in my head. I didn't attend the wake, the funeral, the funeral mass, the lunch after the funeral mass, nothing.
Even my only visit was breif, short, I had the terrible feeling of being rooted to the spot but wanting to run away as fast as my legs could carry me. I know I went pale, but kept my composure. All this was in my head. Only one to notice was my mother.
Some people were not happy with me, namely, my dad. I don't think I can make him understand even if i wanted to try.... which i don't This is a personal struggle against personal demons that one day may go away.
I don't know what it is mainly because i am turning away frm the problem. I know that i am scared to see death in a personal way.... that is seeing death again inside my circle of people i know. I'm guessing my experiences in Iraq and seeing 2 of my friends die have everything to do with that. I didn't have any nightmares or anything weird like that but I do feel a faint buzzing of thought in my head everytime my parent's friend got mentioned... I know this is my own doing, I know i'm supressing thoughts, I know i don't want to see or think about death. I am doing it myself. i just wish i didn't feel selfish because one day someone will die that's close to me and i will have to face it all, the funeral, the wake, everything that will make me face whatever it is i don't want to think about.
People say that everyone fears death. I honestly don't think I feared it before.... maybe because I never really thought about it, but I guess the few times I thought about it, I feared what would be after that.
I don't think this is the same type of fear. I don't dread bodily harm, pain does go away and the body rebuilds.... i don't know what it is. Mostly I think i fear death around me. I can't really pin point it.
A few months ago, one of my parent's friends got diagnosed with a brain tumor. He had collapsed at work and they did many tests. I had known him for a long time, he and a lot of my parent's friend played soccer and I went to play with my dad so we could spend time together. We were never close the relationship was usually my dad's or my mom's friend.... an older person.
Well, when they did the CAT scans, they found not 1 but 3 tumors. All of them looked like flattened dark masses. The largest one being in the occipital (back) region of his brain. Surgery was scheduled at once.
It was more exploratory in nature, to be exact, the surgeons went in, found that the occipital tumor could be removed. after 4 hours of surgery, they removed one of the tumors. Bad news was that they were able to reach just a little bit of the second tumor and none of the third. they did a biopsy of the tumors and found that they were rampantly malignant. The tumors were off-shoots of each other and were spreading.
So what to do? Chemotherapy and radiation were to be used next and this was 2 months ago. The tumors showed some response to them but not enough. The doctor deemed it terminal cancer and gave him 6 months.
On to the second opinion. Same except that the second doc said that he wouldn't have even started chemotherapy as the cancer was so explosively malignant that it would have been better that he hadn't gone through the ordeal that is chemotherapy.
he gradually lost some control over his body, speech went first then his ability to walk. Then little bits of memory here and there.
He lasted no more than 3 and half months from the original collapse that uncovered all. My parents told me that he railed against death in his final moments... that he was crying hard and writhing against the coming moments as I'm sure he knew the end was near.
I could only bring myself to visit him once. I saw him there and bad bad bad thoughts started creeping in my head. I didn't attend the wake, the funeral, the funeral mass, the lunch after the funeral mass, nothing.
Even my only visit was breif, short, I had the terrible feeling of being rooted to the spot but wanting to run away as fast as my legs could carry me. I know I went pale, but kept my composure. All this was in my head. Only one to notice was my mother.
Some people were not happy with me, namely, my dad. I don't think I can make him understand even if i wanted to try.... which i don't This is a personal struggle against personal demons that one day may go away.
I don't know what it is mainly because i am turning away frm the problem. I know that i am scared to see death in a personal way.... that is seeing death again inside my circle of people i know. I'm guessing my experiences in Iraq and seeing 2 of my friends die have everything to do with that. I didn't have any nightmares or anything weird like that but I do feel a faint buzzing of thought in my head everytime my parent's friend got mentioned... I know this is my own doing, I know i'm supressing thoughts, I know i don't want to see or think about death. I am doing it myself. i just wish i didn't feel selfish because one day someone will die that's close to me and i will have to face it all, the funeral, the wake, everything that will make me face whatever it is i don't want to think about.
People say that everyone fears death. I honestly don't think I feared it before.... maybe because I never really thought about it, but I guess the few times I thought about it, I feared what would be after that.
I don't think this is the same type of fear. I don't dread bodily harm, pain does go away and the body rebuilds.... i don't know what it is. Mostly I think i fear death around me. I can't really pin point it.