An Unposted Email
Dear Jim,
I miss you very much.
I know I am moving too fast. But, I can't control my feeling. And why should I also to control my feeling when it is so strong for someone.
Friends tell me to step back a few steps, and I did. I step back few miles in fact. If not, I would have been writing you this email instead of posting it to my journal. I know where I stand. And I am also aware of the situation.
There are many uncertainties for me. With you traveling constantly for work, with us residing in different parts of the country, with your cold/hot attention to me, with my aggressive approach to you, with very little understanding of each other, with my minimum knowledge of your likes and dislikes, with no proper communication, with the absence of even a chance to sit down with you for a decent meal till today, I find no way to write you this simple message saying - I Miss You. I really do.
I hope with time, it time permits, all the above uncertainties will eventually vanish, leaving behind a sunshine for me to harvest, a cool breeze for me to enjoy with you.
I have been asking myself, what do I see in you? And what do I have to offer to make you like me at least... I have no clues, not even close to one. What contribute to my liking for you? The only reasonable explanation I have is - you have a split image of someone I like very much who is a straight. Actually that someone I like does not even know my existence, neither do I know him personally. I only saw him on TV, magazine spreads and sometime caught a few glimpses of him on the streets. Oh yeah! the closest was I ever played volleyball with him once, together with my other friends in Singapore. He exudes excellent self confidence, pleasant personality. In you, I have yet to see such attributes. But instead I saw your naughty personality, your cold front, your reserve and your manly personality. This could be the most powerful trait - your manly personality, that I see in you. Never a time, I came across such a person, but in you, I see it!
Or maybe I am just desperate to settle down? If I am desperate, why the target is you and not other? If I am desperate, why don't I look at other men around me, who are closer to me or even more handsome than you, question here is - why you? Is it really because you possess the most powerful traits that I find in no other men around me but you? Frankly speaking, I do and I don't.
I do because my ideal is someone who possesses a manly personality.
I don't because ideal happens only in fairy tale story. In reality, it is always the opposite. I don't also because I don't believe in ideal. And I am not so lucky to encounter one.
As ironic it may sound, I just said I don't believe in ideal yet when I met you, I am fighting for it. This time, I am rather aggressive. Never before, this has happened.
I might have known the result at heart, that this is not going to travel far, or blatantly put it, we will not have a future at all, as illustrated in so many cases of water-testing with you, weighing the pros and cons, the odds and likelihoods of a good ending, all arrows are pointing to only one bad direction. Yet no matter how arduous, I will still try.
Giving up due to exhaustion seems more worthwhile than giving up by the act of brain.
Stupid, many might think.
But I say, nothing comes easy and easy won't last.
Missing you but not telling you,
James
I miss you very much.
I know I am moving too fast. But, I can't control my feeling. And why should I also to control my feeling when it is so strong for someone.
Friends tell me to step back a few steps, and I did. I step back few miles in fact. If not, I would have been writing you this email instead of posting it to my journal. I know where I stand. And I am also aware of the situation.
There are many uncertainties for me. With you traveling constantly for work, with us residing in different parts of the country, with your cold/hot attention to me, with my aggressive approach to you, with very little understanding of each other, with my minimum knowledge of your likes and dislikes, with no proper communication, with the absence of even a chance to sit down with you for a decent meal till today, I find no way to write you this simple message saying - I Miss You. I really do.
I hope with time, it time permits, all the above uncertainties will eventually vanish, leaving behind a sunshine for me to harvest, a cool breeze for me to enjoy with you.
I have been asking myself, what do I see in you? And what do I have to offer to make you like me at least... I have no clues, not even close to one. What contribute to my liking for you? The only reasonable explanation I have is - you have a split image of someone I like very much who is a straight. Actually that someone I like does not even know my existence, neither do I know him personally. I only saw him on TV, magazine spreads and sometime caught a few glimpses of him on the streets. Oh yeah! the closest was I ever played volleyball with him once, together with my other friends in Singapore. He exudes excellent self confidence, pleasant personality. In you, I have yet to see such attributes. But instead I saw your naughty personality, your cold front, your reserve and your manly personality. This could be the most powerful trait - your manly personality, that I see in you. Never a time, I came across such a person, but in you, I see it!
Or maybe I am just desperate to settle down? If I am desperate, why the target is you and not other? If I am desperate, why don't I look at other men around me, who are closer to me or even more handsome than you, question here is - why you? Is it really because you possess the most powerful traits that I find in no other men around me but you? Frankly speaking, I do and I don't.
I do because my ideal is someone who possesses a manly personality.
I don't because ideal happens only in fairy tale story. In reality, it is always the opposite. I don't also because I don't believe in ideal. And I am not so lucky to encounter one.
As ironic it may sound, I just said I don't believe in ideal yet when I met you, I am fighting for it. This time, I am rather aggressive. Never before, this has happened.
I might have known the result at heart, that this is not going to travel far, or blatantly put it, we will not have a future at all, as illustrated in so many cases of water-testing with you, weighing the pros and cons, the odds and likelihoods of a good ending, all arrows are pointing to only one bad direction. Yet no matter how arduous, I will still try.
Giving up due to exhaustion seems more worthwhile than giving up by the act of brain.
Stupid, many might think.
But I say, nothing comes easy and easy won't last.
Missing you but not telling you,
James