Alone again.
Yup - we all know by now that I only show up here when I'm on my own too much, right? Truthfully, I've been trying to do a lot better with the social thing over the last month or two. I've been working on not turning down invitations to do things; I've been trying to hang out with people more - even to the point of actually making the effort myself instead of waiting for invitations.
But the last couple of days I've just been feeling like everything is drifting away. I know - I've already said multiple times that I rely on others too much. I miss just sitting here and having someone to talk to, though. I went to stay with Brian for a week in Arkansas in early September - and then got to be a groomsman (and surrogate best man) when he got married in Tennessee on October 5. Both were awesome events that I wouldn't trade. There is that small voice in me, however, that really wishes he hadn't gotten married yet. Not because I think he's too young or not ready or anything like that. Nope - purely selfishness. I wanted him to still be around for a while longer. Yes, I know he's not really going to fall off the face of the earth, but I also know that he won't have the free time like before to just hang out. He's going to have obligations to Reggie and I understand that.
I don't know - I know what I'm trying to say. It's just.... I miss people.
Melanie, Jason, Brian... the people who need me eventually don't need me as much any more and I always kind of feel a little disowned afterwards.
Stupid, right?
Mamaw isn't doing so well. I found out indirectly she's been on medication for Alzheimer's for a while. My sister has been to visit her a couple of times when she has evidently been pretty confused - once when she didn't even recognize my sister. So far I haven't witnessed any of this personally. Then again, that's probably because I only see her at church and she seems like her old self when she is there. I haven't visited her at home at all since Papaw died. I keep telling myself that I need to, but... is it bad that I don't want to go by myself? She brought me some sheet music for "I Know Who Holds Tomorrow" on Sunday and hinted that she'd kind of like me to sing it for a special some Sunday. So I took it to Winnie & Beth and they both agreed to play & sing, so maybe we'll get an offertory or something put together in a couple of weeks.
Have I mentioned that I've not been doing specials much at all for the last couple of years? I feel more and more like my music isn't what people want any more. At practices they all talk about the fresh and new and all of that and the songs that are in the lineup that I actually like are the ones that get made fun of. It makes me sad, but I do realize that, even though I am the youngest person on the team, I am the most old-fashioned music-wise. Plus everyone seems to be creating specials with live music or slides or fancy new songs and arrangements. I feel like very few people are left in the congregation who would even appreciate what I do. And so much emphasis was placed on how everyone needs to be careful not to make the music only about them - so much so that I start feeling like maybe I've been doing something wrong all these years and never realized it or something. So I've pretty much kept myself out of the rotation. Yes, I KNOW that a lot of this is just in my head. But we all know that my head doesn't always work correctly.
Okay, I suppose I should acknowledge that life isn't all gloom and doom. I got to guard Abby through the scary world of Walmart the other day. Caleb and I have been out to eat on the average of once a week or so and had a couple hours of gaming the other evening. I spent an evening at Josh's crawling through the crawlspace under his house to install a dryer vent so that he wouldn't have to face his fear. (Although, proud moment, he actually followed me the whole way!) I played a basketball game with the youth group the other night, went to an ice cream social, had lunch with the Schlechty family a few times, saw the Smiths for the first time in ages, hung out with my nephews on the day I helped their family move, started teaching Sunday School, been coaching the quiz team.... So yeah, I acknowledge that I really have been doing better overall with cutting back on my hermitage.
But despite all that... I really miss some people, you know? =\
But the last couple of days I've just been feeling like everything is drifting away. I know - I've already said multiple times that I rely on others too much. I miss just sitting here and having someone to talk to, though. I went to stay with Brian for a week in Arkansas in early September - and then got to be a groomsman (and surrogate best man) when he got married in Tennessee on October 5. Both were awesome events that I wouldn't trade. There is that small voice in me, however, that really wishes he hadn't gotten married yet. Not because I think he's too young or not ready or anything like that. Nope - purely selfishness. I wanted him to still be around for a while longer. Yes, I know he's not really going to fall off the face of the earth, but I also know that he won't have the free time like before to just hang out. He's going to have obligations to Reggie and I understand that.
I don't know - I know what I'm trying to say. It's just.... I miss people.
Melanie, Jason, Brian... the people who need me eventually don't need me as much any more and I always kind of feel a little disowned afterwards.
Stupid, right?
Mamaw isn't doing so well. I found out indirectly she's been on medication for Alzheimer's for a while. My sister has been to visit her a couple of times when she has evidently been pretty confused - once when she didn't even recognize my sister. So far I haven't witnessed any of this personally. Then again, that's probably because I only see her at church and she seems like her old self when she is there. I haven't visited her at home at all since Papaw died. I keep telling myself that I need to, but... is it bad that I don't want to go by myself? She brought me some sheet music for "I Know Who Holds Tomorrow" on Sunday and hinted that she'd kind of like me to sing it for a special some Sunday. So I took it to Winnie & Beth and they both agreed to play & sing, so maybe we'll get an offertory or something put together in a couple of weeks.
Have I mentioned that I've not been doing specials much at all for the last couple of years? I feel more and more like my music isn't what people want any more. At practices they all talk about the fresh and new and all of that and the songs that are in the lineup that I actually like are the ones that get made fun of. It makes me sad, but I do realize that, even though I am the youngest person on the team, I am the most old-fashioned music-wise. Plus everyone seems to be creating specials with live music or slides or fancy new songs and arrangements. I feel like very few people are left in the congregation who would even appreciate what I do. And so much emphasis was placed on how everyone needs to be careful not to make the music only about them - so much so that I start feeling like maybe I've been doing something wrong all these years and never realized it or something. So I've pretty much kept myself out of the rotation. Yes, I KNOW that a lot of this is just in my head. But we all know that my head doesn't always work correctly.
Okay, I suppose I should acknowledge that life isn't all gloom and doom. I got to guard Abby through the scary world of Walmart the other day. Caleb and I have been out to eat on the average of once a week or so and had a couple hours of gaming the other evening. I spent an evening at Josh's crawling through the crawlspace under his house to install a dryer vent so that he wouldn't have to face his fear. (Although, proud moment, he actually followed me the whole way!) I played a basketball game with the youth group the other night, went to an ice cream social, had lunch with the Schlechty family a few times, saw the Smiths for the first time in ages, hung out with my nephews on the day I helped their family move, started teaching Sunday School, been coaching the quiz team.... So yeah, I acknowledge that I really have been doing better overall with cutting back on my hermitage.
But despite all that... I really miss some people, you know? =\