self control.....
I don't feeling right tonight. I feel weird inside. Have you ever heard that saying " the calm before the storm"? that's what i feel like. I was at my best friend's house this weekend. She got married. I am so happy for her.That's not the issue though. So i'm on the couch after everyone had gone to bed. it was very quite. as i'm lying there i get hit with this overwhelming urge to cut. I took the knife out of my pocket and flipped the blade open. The back of my neck started to tingle. Then i got hit with this horrible feeling of emptiness and loneliness. It was so intense that my chest was really starting to hurt. I almost felt like i was going to have a heart attack. I could feel my heart pulsing through my whole body. I felt like i couldnt breathe. there was this pressure on me like i was being crushed. With the knife in one hand i pulled up my pant legs with the other. I slowly lowered the knife. The stainless steel was cold on my skin. By this time my whole body is shaking. I knew all i had to do was press a little harder and pull the sharp clean blade across my leg.I closed my eyes and watched clips of my life play back. My loneliness growing deeper and deeper.I am afraid that if i start i might not be able to stop. I dont want to feel so empty anymore. I dont want to be so alone. Im sick of not being good enough for anyone. not even myself. All these emotions streaming through my veins, I let go and allow myself to cry. Tears pour down my face.I look down and see the knife in my hand. I tell myself to suck it up and deal. Thats enough crying.I removed the knife from my skin and close the blade. I laid back down and went to sleep.