Adventures in Mommyhood and Trying to Not Lose Myself
I was looking at old pictures on Facebook tonight and wow, how much has changed in 4 years. Back when I was 20, I was so carefree. Yes, I had my drama with cheating on Brian and the fiasco with Lucas, but then I went through Listening Ear training and my life seemed back on track. I had new friends, I was popular and social, and my life possibilities were endless. Now, I'm 24, I have a one year old baby, I'm living at home with my parents, I have no friends, no real romantic prospects...as much as I love my baby boy, I miss my old life, when things were simple and there were so many opportunities. Maybe things will change when I start nursing school, I won't have as much time to think. I don't know, I feel like I have so much free time, I should make my life better NOW, but I don't know how. How do I meet people? How do I make new friends? It's so awkward, and dating, ugh, it's just so frustrating. I have this guy I'm kind of seeing, Andrew, but he doesn't exactly meet my emotional needs. I was so excited when I first met him and wanted him to be my boyfriend, but he thought things were moving too fast. He definitely doesn't make me a priority in his life, but I get so lonely, I guess he's better than nothing. I told him how I was feeling introspective and mourning the loss of my old life tonight and his response was just, "uh, don't feel that way." Not exactly helpful. Oh well, I'll start volunteering at the Listening Ear again. Maybe that'll give me SOME social interaction. I just feel so pathetic tonight. Somedays, I feel really strong and really happy about my life, but not today. *sigh* Life won't always suck, right? It'll get better? I guess it's gotten a lot better than it used to. I used to be so depressed, I couldn't even leave bed and didn't know if I'd be able to survive. Well, I survived, and I'm thriving, some might say. I have a good job, I'm financially stable, I'm taking a class and the prospect of me getting into nursing school looks great. It's just my social life that's a little rough. I can go to the bar, strike up a conversation with some people and party with them drunkenly into the night, but it's not long lasting. I text those people later and they don't respond. I need some girlfriends, I feel like I would make me feel really good. Even just ONE friend, someone I can rely on and turn to to share girly chats. I do pretty well with guys, but that's because they usually just want to fuck me. *sigh* And how do I balance all of this, dating, a social life, with being a good and responsible mother? It seems like the two don't go well together. I guess what I'm saying is right now, I just feel really lost and don't know how to make my life right, but it's been good before, so it can be good again, right? Just gotta hang in there, I guess.