Contemplations of a soon-to-be college graduate
So, here it is now a month away from graduation (well, technically one day less than that since it's 1:45 a.m., but I haven't gone to sleep yet, so it's still a month). There's a lot going through my mind, so I thought I'd put it down so those of you in a similar place can see you're not alone.
I've got senioritis bad. A few friends and I agree that we've pretty much checked out of school. I have no motivation to do any homework, which is bad considering professors decide the end of the semester is the time to give you all the hardest work. I'm really ready to just get out of here and start the next chapter in my life.
But that scares me at the same time, especially since I don't have a job nailed down yet. I have an application in for the Gannett program, and I should hear by the end of the month whether or not I got it. I'm really beginning to get nervous because it's only a few days before the end of the month and I haven't heard anything. They only notify the winners. I've also got my resume at a few other smaller places, but there's not offers there yet, although I should be talking to one of them this weekend to discuss more. The Sun's business publication just got some of my clips and has asked me to stay in touch, but once again, there's nothing for sure there either. I've got these possibilities, but a month from graduation, I have no definite thing, and that makes me scared to begin the new chapter.
And how about a new chapter involving love? As I posted on my MySpace the other day, that's complicated as well. I thought I was moving on, but I really don't want to. As Nick says in the movie "The Wedding Date" (I watched it today), "I've realized that I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else." I would rather go through the toughest of times with that one than even think about moving on to anyone else. And I hate that I feel that way because I'm almost positive that one doesn't feel the same.
I think that I've been working so hard to finish this important phase of my life (college) and be sure I don't disappoint my family, and that's why I poured myself into school and The Chimes and didn't make time to relax. Sadly, that's why the relationship fell apart. And a big part of me wants to think that maybe we can give it another go now that it's done and things will be so much better, but I've been told that's not happening. Oh how I wish ...
I also wish now more than ever that I had taken more time to just relax and enjoy the company of friends. In the past two weeks, I've taken the time to sit an eat meals with some of the girls from the Chimes staff more than I have the rest of the year, and it has been so much fun. As much as I've had to do and as many things as I had to worry about, I let myself forget that for about half an hour and just have fun with those girls. I wish I could have made myself slow down to do that with more friends more often because I'm now realizing that I may not ever get to do it ever again with some people in just a few weeks.
And speaking of The Chimes, I'm only in charge for two more issues. Three are put out, but the new staff takes over for the last one, and I'm just there in the office to be a point person and answer any questions. The biggest part of my life for the past four years is about to end in just a few weeks, and that makes me so sad (in fact, I've actually now got tears in my eyes). The Chimes is my baby, and as much as it stresses me out a lot, I'm going to miss working there with the amazing people I have over the past four years and seeing how things change. But I know I'm leaving it in capable hands. Jenna will do awesome.
I, however, don't seem to be doing so awesome. I feel like I've failed at life right now. I missed the honor society by .05 points on my GPA, and I've never missed honors things ever. The jouranlism department picks a print person of the year at the end of every year, and since the one picked has been Chimes editors in chief the past few years, I thought I was a shoe-in. But I don't think I'm going to get that either. I'm almost positive, and others agree with me, that another girl in the department will get it. We don't find out for another couple of weeks, but I have the feeling it won't be my name that is called. All that coupled with not being offered a job yet makes me feel like I missed the mark. And to think that I missed it after striving so hard that I drove one of the most important people in my life away makes it even harder.
I should be happy right now that it's almost over, but how can I be when I haven't made the time to be happy? How can I be when so many things that have defined me have been or will be lost? All I want is to be happy, and I will try my hardest to make myself happy. I just hope I can get to that point. Fast.
I've got senioritis bad. A few friends and I agree that we've pretty much checked out of school. I have no motivation to do any homework, which is bad considering professors decide the end of the semester is the time to give you all the hardest work. I'm really ready to just get out of here and start the next chapter in my life.
But that scares me at the same time, especially since I don't have a job nailed down yet. I have an application in for the Gannett program, and I should hear by the end of the month whether or not I got it. I'm really beginning to get nervous because it's only a few days before the end of the month and I haven't heard anything. They only notify the winners. I've also got my resume at a few other smaller places, but there's not offers there yet, although I should be talking to one of them this weekend to discuss more. The Sun's business publication just got some of my clips and has asked me to stay in touch, but once again, there's nothing for sure there either. I've got these possibilities, but a month from graduation, I have no definite thing, and that makes me scared to begin the new chapter.
And how about a new chapter involving love? As I posted on my MySpace the other day, that's complicated as well. I thought I was moving on, but I really don't want to. As Nick says in the movie "The Wedding Date" (I watched it today), "I've realized that I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else." I would rather go through the toughest of times with that one than even think about moving on to anyone else. And I hate that I feel that way because I'm almost positive that one doesn't feel the same.
I think that I've been working so hard to finish this important phase of my life (college) and be sure I don't disappoint my family, and that's why I poured myself into school and The Chimes and didn't make time to relax. Sadly, that's why the relationship fell apart. And a big part of me wants to think that maybe we can give it another go now that it's done and things will be so much better, but I've been told that's not happening. Oh how I wish ...
I also wish now more than ever that I had taken more time to just relax and enjoy the company of friends. In the past two weeks, I've taken the time to sit an eat meals with some of the girls from the Chimes staff more than I have the rest of the year, and it has been so much fun. As much as I've had to do and as many things as I had to worry about, I let myself forget that for about half an hour and just have fun with those girls. I wish I could have made myself slow down to do that with more friends more often because I'm now realizing that I may not ever get to do it ever again with some people in just a few weeks.
And speaking of The Chimes, I'm only in charge for two more issues. Three are put out, but the new staff takes over for the last one, and I'm just there in the office to be a point person and answer any questions. The biggest part of my life for the past four years is about to end in just a few weeks, and that makes me so sad (in fact, I've actually now got tears in my eyes). The Chimes is my baby, and as much as it stresses me out a lot, I'm going to miss working there with the amazing people I have over the past four years and seeing how things change. But I know I'm leaving it in capable hands. Jenna will do awesome.
I, however, don't seem to be doing so awesome. I feel like I've failed at life right now. I missed the honor society by .05 points on my GPA, and I've never missed honors things ever. The jouranlism department picks a print person of the year at the end of every year, and since the one picked has been Chimes editors in chief the past few years, I thought I was a shoe-in. But I don't think I'm going to get that either. I'm almost positive, and others agree with me, that another girl in the department will get it. We don't find out for another couple of weeks, but I have the feeling it won't be my name that is called. All that coupled with not being offered a job yet makes me feel like I missed the mark. And to think that I missed it after striving so hard that I drove one of the most important people in my life away makes it even harder.
I should be happy right now that it's almost over, but how can I be when I haven't made the time to be happy? How can I be when so many things that have defined me have been or will be lost? All I want is to be happy, and I will try my hardest to make myself happy. I just hope I can get to that point. Fast.