"Benefits"...My Way
**This is what would happen if I controlled the HIMYM universe. I don't, so we'll probably get more of the Ted/Robin saga in reality, but I like my world just fine, thank you very much. =)
“What made you guys think this was a good idea?” Barney’s voice sounded petulant even to his own ears.
Ted took a sip of his beer as he shrugged. “She doesn’t have an apartment. I have a spare room. We’re friends. What’s bad about it?”
Everything, Barney wanted to answer. Everything’s bad about it. Because you’ll be living together. Because you might be tempted. Because Robin might be tempted. Because Robin…because it’s Robin. It’s Robin. Instead of saying any of those things, Barney simply pulled a shrug. “I don’t know, it just seems like a recipe for disaster. Don’t you think it’ll be more than a little awkward?”
Ted popped a pretzel before saying, “I think it’ll be fine.”
Barney fought off frustration, gave a polished grin, and raised a brow. “You guys couldn’t be alone together not that long ago, and now you’re going to be living together? I don’t know, it just seems-”
“It seems to me that you’re finding reasons to be unhappy about this arrangement,” Ted interrupted. “Wanna tell me why?”
Barney rolled his eyes. “Please. Don’t flatter yourself. Or her. I just think you guys are making a big mistake?”
“Who’s making a big mistake?” Lily asked as she sat in the booth next to Ted.
“Ted and Robin. This whole ‘living together’ thing.” Barney smirked into his scotch.
“And I think Barney’s being ridiculous. And paranoid.”
Lily looked at Barney. She knew why he was being paranoid, but that wasn’t the only reason she said what she did. “I don’t know, Ted, he may be right.”
“Right about what? You haven’t even heard his side of the-”
“Well, since most of what Barney says involves sex, I can guess. And I don’t think he’s totally wrong.”
To Barney’s dismay, Ted’s face didn’t register disbelief or doubt; he smiled. “You really think Robin would sleep with me again?”
Lily groaned. “Oh, no, Ted. Ted. Not this again. Not Robin again.”
“I’m not saying I want to sleep with her, I’m just saying-”
“Please,” Barney said for the second time. “You don’t want to sleep with her, sure, I believe that for about a-bzzz,” he made a buzzer noise and smiled. “Not at all. I don’t believe it. It’s Robin. Don’t kid yourself. She’s gorgeous. You should be so lucky.”
Ted acknowledged this by nodding. “Okay, yeah, I guess so. But I’m just saying, what would be so bad about that? We’re both adults, we’re both unattached…so tell me, what would be so bad about it, if we did hook up?”
Lily raised her eyebrows in Barney’s direction, and he shook his head infinitesimally. No, I don’t want to talk about it.
“Because you’ve already played this scene all the way through, and we all remember how it ended.” Barney was proud how eloquent and not petty this sounded.
“I’m not saying we’d be boyfriend and girlfriend,” Ted protested weakly. “We’d just be…well, I guess we’d be…”
“Fuck buddies?” Barney asked, brows raised.
“I never thought I would hear you say that phrase in a disapproving tone,” Ted responded instead of an answering.
Barney just shrugged and shook his head.
“Shouldn’t you be high-fiving me right now and making dirty jokes? Followed by ‘what up?’?”
Barney sipped his scotch and looked at Ted. “Theodore, if you jumped off a bridge and happened to survive, I wouldn’t high-five you.”
“Yes, you would.”
“My point,” Barney steam-rolled, “is that if you happen to get out of this with your dignity and friendship with Sherbatsky intact, I’ll be amazed.”
“And that’s why you’re not a fan of this.” Ted obviously didn’t believe him.
“Yeah,” Lily jumped in just a little too quickly. “That’s why. Right, Barney?”
Barney looked over as Robin walked into the bar. “Right.”
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
“Hello?” Robin answered her phone as she skimmed over the notes for that day’s broadcast.
“Hey, Sherbatsky.”
“Barney, hi. What’s up?”
He hesitated and clenched his jaw. “I just…um…”
“Barney? You there?”
Barney thought about hanging up and letting her think she’d lost him, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t wimp out. It just wasn’t in him. “Yeah, I’m here. What’re doing tonight?”
She stacked her papers and answered, “I don’t know, probably McLaren’s. Like every night.” She laughed. “Man, we’re pathetic.”
“Want a chance to be awesome?”
This time it was her turn to hesitate. “With you?”
His heart started beating a little faster, but his tone stayed sharp and confident. “Of course. Who else could you be awesome with? Mosby? Marshall? Please.”
“What do you have in mind?”
The fact that he’d gotten this far made him a little more comfortable to continue. “We can stop by the bar, sure, but I’m thinking something a little more…interesting.”
She shifted the phone to her other ear. “Such as?”
This was the first time in recent memory that he had to try to be nonchalant. “I’ve got these tickets. Somebody at work gave them to me as a…how do I put this…incentive.”
“A bribe?”
“Pretty much, yeah.” He smiled. “So whaddya say?”
“What kind of tickets are we talking about here?”
She sounded interested, so he let her wait for a couple of seconds before saying, “They may be hockey tickets.” He waited again. “Possibly first row center ice.”
She gasped. “Um, hell yeah, I’m in.”
“Great!” He struggled to reign in his enthusiasm. “You wanna grab dinner beforehand?”
“Sure. You want to come to my place? I’m cooking for Ted tonight; I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a third.”
Barney’s inner party came crashing to a halt.
“Barney?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry, got distracted. Some guy in hall, ranting in Cantonese. Work thing.” He let out a breath and once more found himself clinching his teeth.
“Seriously, what do you do?”
He forced a laugh. “Please.”
She scooted her chair under the table. “So what do you say? My place, six o’clock?”
Her words echoed through his head. I’m cooking for Ted tonight…cooking for Ted…“Sounds great,” he said finally. “I’ll be there.”
“Okay, I’m about to go on. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Good luck.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I want to tell you something,” he blurted before he could stop himself. “And I want you to wait until I’m done before you say anything. If you say anything it’ll mess me up. You distract me.” He laughed nervously. “I mean that in the best way possible. Robin…I’d prefer if Ted isn’t there tonight. At dinner, I mean. Nothing against Ted, but I’d like better if it was just you. Just me and you.” He tapped anxiously on his desk. “Like, a date, maybe.” He sounded as uncertain as he felt. “So…there. Okay, you can speak now. If you want.”
No response.
His breath started coming faster and faster. “Robin, you there? Come on, it’s not that shocking, is it? Robin?”
He pulled the phone away from his ear only to discover that she’d already hung up.
He had no idea how long she’d been gone, or how much she’d heard.