expect the worst hope for the best

[jamaciamecrazii]

i don't think things can get any worse then they already have. this entire winter break was absolutely terrible. christmas night jimmy's car decided to break and he decided he wanted a break. it crushed me but i had hope. things didn't get any better. i heard all this shit and then i hear that fucking sam trupin kissed jim. i ended the relationship that night and the next day jim said he wanted to work things out [this was wednesday]. i was just about to get into the car to get a ride over there but then his mom had to go to work so i couldnt go over. yesterday after the orthodontist jimmy's mom picked me up at my house and me, jimmy, big jim, and jackie went to ikea. me and jimmy stayed in the car and worked everything out. it was great. i was so freaking happy to have my jimmy back. i finally got sam's number and jim warned me not to call her or he's not gonna see me today [new years]. i'm not just gonna let her get away kissing my fucking boyfriend. so i called, and left a message cuz she didn't pick up. i left a calm, civil message. she called jim and everyone else like a little fucking pussy. jim got mad and said "i'm not seeing you" blah blah blah. we tried to work shit out. i was willing to forgive and forget EVERTHING he ever did to hurt me if i could see him tonight and work everything out. it was now or never. he said no. he wanted monday. he wanted the weekend to himself. he chose the weekend over me. that crushed me. so i tried to negotiate. i said okay sunday at the latest we will work shit out. he said no can do. if he really cared and wanted to work shit out he would be fine with sunday. so now we are offically "broken up" i guess. i can't deal with this. my winter break, christmas, and now new years is ruined. i just want my old jimmy back. i don't know how many times i told him. i just want things back to how they used to be. i hate fighting and i hate feeling unwanted and unloved. i want jim to prove to me that he cares and he hasn't done a thing to prove that yet. well yesterday in the car at ikea he did. i miss him so much. i can't deal without him. idk how i put up with all this shit all the time i really don't. i love him more then he loves me it seems. he says that's not true but idk anymore. he invited me to nick's just reminding me that we're not going out. problem with that is that i have a right there but not a ride home. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like i'm living on a false hope. i just want this all to be over and me and jimmy okay again. i thought i had no more tears to cry yet they keep on coming. i want my old jimmy back. i have a feeling we might get back together but what if he has so much fun this weekend without having me as his girlfriend that he never wants to come back to me. idk anymore about anything. i hate living like this. in confusion. in doubt. in a false hope. what a great way to bring in 2005. jimmy if you're reading this please, realize what you could be loosing. i might not be much but still. i don't know anyone else that would deal with all this shit. i can't stand it. where did my old jimmy go. i not only lost a boyfriend, i lost the love of my life and my best friend. i hope he comes back but idk if he will. :'(
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what i lost
wake me up when -s-e-p-t-e-m-b-e-r- december ends