I feel the need to share. Poor you.
I'm feeling very lonely, and so, I'm posting. That's usually how it happens. One of two things happen, sometimes both, one first then the other, when I'm lonely. Either I'm depressed or I'm happy. That's weird in itself. But I digress.
I miss Woofie. I miss how we used to talk, and it be happy, and us making each other feel good. Now, everytime he gets on, I piss and moan about being lonely, or missing him, or both, and sometimes...no, let's be honest, most of the time I bitch at him for not doing this or not doing that or how he could fix this or that. Or sometimes, I just bitch at him for getting distracted. And that's not right. That's not right at all. I justify it by thinking, well if he were on more, I wouldn't have to do this, or if he'd remember, I wouldn't have to do this...And he lets me. He feels bad. He hurts, too. And do I let him know I care? No. No, I don't. I just tell him it's alright and I've forgiven him or I'm over it, and then bitch at him again next time. I am so scared.
Most recently, I called to give him the numbers for a calling card I bought him, and I heard the messenger, whoever it was, talking to him, asking him if he wanted her to tell me he was sick and was sleeping. :shakes head: All I could think about was how he hadn't gotten on the phone for the two seconds it would have taken to give him the numbers, or wonder if he really was sick, and wonder why he didn't want to talk to me when he was sick. All because I'm scared that I'll/I've scared him off. I'm scared to lose him. And since we haven't met in person, I'm scared to lose the idea of him.
But I've so incredibly selfish. I really have. I Will scare him off, I will make him lose interest this way. And I want him as a friend if I can't have him as anything else. I want him as a brother. He's so incredibly wonderful, and anybody out there, ANYBODY, who can't see that can go fuck themselves with a sharp, rusty object. I'll give you our old shovel myself.
Rarely have I EVER met a soul so soft and warm and comfortable, and even more rarely been allowed to know that soul as more than an aquaintance. I've read that good friends, good lovers, and good memories, should be kept close and guarded jealously. Well...that's half true. They also need a good reason to stay.
It's killing me to not have him around, and when I'm in pain, I've always been taught to let the person know. Well I have, over and over, but for some reason, I didn't want to understand that sometimes, circumstances suck. I've never been the type to suffe quietly. If something bugged me, I let you know about it, and let you know it'd better change. I'm a fool. Why do I think life won't go on, or go right, without me?
:sighs: I got on here to bitch, actually, about how lonely I've been and how hard this was and how I was starting to doubt. :shakes head: I'm stronger than this. I'm Better than this. What a man makes, a man has, and no one's going to make life pretty for you.
I'm sorry, Woofie. You're true blue.
I miss Woofie. I miss how we used to talk, and it be happy, and us making each other feel good. Now, everytime he gets on, I piss and moan about being lonely, or missing him, or both, and sometimes...no, let's be honest, most of the time I bitch at him for not doing this or not doing that or how he could fix this or that. Or sometimes, I just bitch at him for getting distracted. And that's not right. That's not right at all. I justify it by thinking, well if he were on more, I wouldn't have to do this, or if he'd remember, I wouldn't have to do this...And he lets me. He feels bad. He hurts, too. And do I let him know I care? No. No, I don't. I just tell him it's alright and I've forgiven him or I'm over it, and then bitch at him again next time. I am so scared.
Most recently, I called to give him the numbers for a calling card I bought him, and I heard the messenger, whoever it was, talking to him, asking him if he wanted her to tell me he was sick and was sleeping. :shakes head: All I could think about was how he hadn't gotten on the phone for the two seconds it would have taken to give him the numbers, or wonder if he really was sick, and wonder why he didn't want to talk to me when he was sick. All because I'm scared that I'll/I've scared him off. I'm scared to lose him. And since we haven't met in person, I'm scared to lose the idea of him.
But I've so incredibly selfish. I really have. I Will scare him off, I will make him lose interest this way. And I want him as a friend if I can't have him as anything else. I want him as a brother. He's so incredibly wonderful, and anybody out there, ANYBODY, who can't see that can go fuck themselves with a sharp, rusty object. I'll give you our old shovel myself.
Rarely have I EVER met a soul so soft and warm and comfortable, and even more rarely been allowed to know that soul as more than an aquaintance. I've read that good friends, good lovers, and good memories, should be kept close and guarded jealously. Well...that's half true. They also need a good reason to stay.
It's killing me to not have him around, and when I'm in pain, I've always been taught to let the person know. Well I have, over and over, but for some reason, I didn't want to understand that sometimes, circumstances suck. I've never been the type to suffe quietly. If something bugged me, I let you know about it, and let you know it'd better change. I'm a fool. Why do I think life won't go on, or go right, without me?
:sighs: I got on here to bitch, actually, about how lonely I've been and how hard this was and how I was starting to doubt. :shakes head: I'm stronger than this. I'm Better than this. What a man makes, a man has, and no one's going to make life pretty for you.
I'm sorry, Woofie. You're true blue.