[fic] Perfection, or 20 Truths of Blaine Anderson
Title: Perfection, or 20 Truths of Blaine Anderson
Author: jakia / luckyjak
Word Count: 2085
Summary: Twenty facts about Blaine Anderson, and why he constantly strives for perfection. Background Kurt/Blaine, mostly a character study.
A/N: A lot of previous fandoms I've been in had 20_truths challenges, which is basically exactly what it says on the tin: you write 20 truths or 20 facts about a character/pairing/group, often in a stylized format that ends up being part fanfiction, part meta, and part headcanon. I haven't seen this format used for the Glee fandom hardly at all, so I thought I'd introduce it and see if it spreads. (If someone wants to write 20 Truths of Lord Tubbington that would be fantastic thanks). That, and I had ~ideas~.
Enjoy!
1. Blaine’s not white. Not, of course, that there’s anything wrong with that. Blaine’s brother is white, and Blaine’s father is white, but Blaine’s not. Blaine’s a hundred percent hapa, thank you very much.
Hapa, of course, meaning half.
So he’s one hundred percent half of something.
--
2. Contrary to popular belief, Blaine was never the black sheep of his family. In fact, he was the golden child compared to Cooper, who wore all black and ran away to L.A. to become an actor, for Christ's sake. In comparison to that, little Blaine was his parents' angel, their sweet, talented, smart, well-mannered little boy. They supported him in everything, went to every single one of his performances, his games, everything.
It made Blaine confident, because he felt like he could do anything, and his parents would be proud.
--
3. Which is why, at age 12 and a half, when he first realized he liked guys for the first time, Blaine came out; no deep soul-searching, no kissing girls to be sure, nothing. He liked boys, and he didn't think there was a problem with that.
--
4. It never occurred to him that his parents might be slightly homophobic until after he came out to them, and his father looked at him, for the first time in Blaine's life, with soul-crushing disappointment.
--
5. His parents had always loved and supported him no matter what. It never occurred to twelve year old Blaine that that could ever stop, that there was a limit on parental affection, if you ever stopped being exactly what they wanted you to be.
--
6. Blaine’s parents have always been exactly two things to Blaine: highly critical, and extremely proud.
After he comes out, they stop being proud.
Eventually, they stop bothering to even watch, so there’s less criticism, at least, but there’s nothing else, either.
--
7. From ages 12-14, Blaine's entire life and personality takes a 180 degree turn. He goes from a confident, fairly popular and well-liked kid to being insecure, bullied and nearly friendless. His parents find excuses to no longer be a part of his life anymore, though they try to pass it off as them being "busy with work" rather than "disappointed he's gay".
--
8. He strives, then, to become perfect at everything he does. Because if he's perfect, people will like him again. It worked with his parents when he was a little kid--why won't it work again?
--
9. That said, he's still somewhat of a cocky little shit in spite of his growing inferiority complex, which is why, as a freshman, he goes up to the only other out guy in the school (a senior) and asks him out to the Sadie Hawkins dance. The senior says yes out of amusement, an admiration of Blaine’s courage, and mostly because he’d like to attend at least one school dance before he graduates.
--
10. At fourteen, after nearly being beaten to death, he learns that his parents still love him enough to send him to Dalton for his own safety, but not enough to talk to him.
--
11. At Dalton, he comes back to life. People like him. He has friends again, even if he’s not particularly close to any of them. He gets to sing, and people are happy to hear him. He gets his confidence back. He has people he can eat lunch with now, and people who want to play video games with him. And maybe they don’t care about the latest issue of Vogue, or that bowties are making a comeback in the fashion world, but they also don’t seem to mind that he’s gay, and that’s such a relief.
He still has to be perfect, of course, but, well, when isn’t he?
--
12. He finds out the hard way, clutching his slushie-covered face while thrashing in pain on hard asphalt, that Dalton, like everything else in his life, only ever liked him when he was being who they wanted him to be, rather than himself.
--
13. Kurt Hummel is the first person in Blaine’s life to ever point out Blaine’s flaws, and still like him anyway. He does it over (you’re an idiot and you make a fool out of yourself because you have a crush on a boy, but I like you anyway) and over (you don’t know anything about yourself and you hurt my feelings, but I like you anyway) and over (you’re often inappropriate and you don’t know half as much as you act like you do, but I like you anyway) and over (you steal other people’s spotlight and you sing so often it becomes monotonous, but I like you anyway) again.
Its why, when Blaine finally falls in love with Kurt, he falls so quickly and so deeply that it absolutely terrifies him, to need and want and love somebody that much, while he’s still so young.
--
14. To always remind you how perfectly imperfect you are might’ve been written more with Blaine in mind than Kurt, because to Blaine Kurt is perfection personified, even when he’s being vain or mean or insensitive. It’s Blaine who needs the reminders.
Kurt understands the sentiment, regardless.
--
15. “I’m so proud of you” is the nicest thing you can say to Blaine. It means more to him than “you’re perfect” or “you sing like a dream” or “you did good” because those are all about something Blaine did, are a part of his performance-they aren’t him.
“I’m proud of you” though, that means you’re proud of Blaine, of himself, for the good things he’s done, and the bad, not just of what he can accomplish in front of an audience.
It takes Kurt a little while to figure this out, but once he does, he never stops.
--
16. After he leaves Dalton, his parents stop coming home, really. Blaine tells himself that it’s better this way-if they aren’t here, they can’t constantly criticize him. If they aren’t here, Kurt can come over all the time, and they can have privacy and locked doors and things other kids his age don’t get to have with their boyfriends.
But then he finds himself holding an extra pair of tickets to West Side Story that he knows aren’t going to get used, and he thinks, sadly, that he’d trade it all-his privacy with Kurt, his parents’ constant disappointment-if it meant they cared enough about him to show up in the first place.
--
17. There is a reason it takes until Cooper returns to Lima for the two brothers to ever reconnect. There’s the realization that Blaine is not the golden child any more, that Cooper, without meaning to, has started to become their father (“You aren’t good enough you will never be good enough why can’t you be good enough do this do that why are you still not good enough?”). There’s a hug, a flurry of compliments, and an offer to help.
Mostly though, it’s the realization that while neither of them are ever going to be what their parents want them to be, that doesn’t mean they have to do it alone.
It doesn’t replace the emptiness of a vast house, and brotherly affection will never be the same as a father’s unconditional love, but God, it’s nice to get a weekly phone call from someone who’s genuinely happy to hear that his Glee Club won Nationals, or anything else good that’s happened in Blaine’s life.
It’s not enough, of course, but it’s more than he had before, so he’ll take what he can get.
--
18. To be completely honest, he likes girls, a bit. Not enough to be straight, or even enough to be classified as bi, really, but he does like them. Likes kissing them, anyway, and while he has a hard time imagining what sex with a girl would be like, he thinks he could probably make it happen, if he really wanted to.
For him, though, it’s like comparing apples to chocolate. Sure, he likes apples alright, and he’d eat one if he was hungry. But if he could get away with only ever eating chocolate for the rest of his life? God, why would he even look at an apple?
--
19. Sometimes, he wishes he had gotten to know Quinn Fabray more before she graduated. He thinks, if they ever did sit down and talk, that they’d have a lot in common.
Looking at her, sometimes, is like looking at himself through a funhouse mirror-twisted and distorted and strange, but fundamentally still the same person.
He doesn’t know how to have that conversation, though, and so he never does.
--
20. To be completely honest, McKinley scares the hell out of Blaine. It scared him last summer, when Kurt batted his eyelashes at him and asked him to transfer. It scares him now, and he’s been there for an entire year.
At McKinley, he’s nothing, really, not even a blip on anyone’s radar. He’s not popular, but he’s also not bullied really. His charisma is encouraged for performances but mostly it just gives him jealous enemies rather than friends. And the New Directions are a hot mess of crazy, and sometimes he can’t believe that these are the people he’s decided to align himself with.
He struggled to make friends even in the New Directions at first, with Finn constantly harassing him out of jealousy, and Santana accusing of trying to make it the Blaine and Rachel Show, and he’s just so lost, in the beginning. Singing, dancing, being the perfect showman--that was how he made friends at Dalton-why isn’t it working here? The first semester he’s at McKinley he feels like Kurt’s shadow, unable to exist full on his own without him.
(Why do they not like him? He’s being what they want. Why is that still not good enough?)
Come January, he’s still not sure he understands the New Directions, but he does understand one thing about them: when you are a part of them, then you are a member of that family. And the New Directions protect their own. They may not even like each other all that much, but they’re all they’ve ever had and so are fiercely protective of one another.
Its why, when the Warblers almost blind him, he learns what friendship-what family-really is.
It’s Santana taping a recorder to her underboob and interrogating Sebastian, even though she doesn’t like Blaine all that much and mocked his bowties when he tried to help her after she came out.
It’s Finn visiting Blaine and bringing him movies that feature eyepatches, even though Finn spent most of the first semester being so jealous of Blaine he couldn’t see straight.
It’s Artie, being so angry on Blaine’s behalf, that he wants to stand up and yell at Mr. Schue for him. But he can’t, so instead he buys a tape recorder and convinces her to wear it to Dalton, because one of their own has been hurt.
It’s Mercedes praying for him.
It’s Rachel coming to his house and singing to him, because she doesn’t know how to comfort someone otherwise.
It’s Tina bringing him his homework without being asked.
It’s Sugar, buying out Breadstix and inviting him to sing, so he can surprise his boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.
Its love, unconditional and familial, something he’s wanted his entire life, but never quite knew how to ask for. And it’s not perfect-Brittany will make fun of his hair at prom, and Puck will make him feel like he’s not really a part of the group, at time-but even with the fights and the name-calling and the solo-stealing and the insults, he knows these people have his back, and he has theirs.
That’s why, even though he’s going to miss Kurt like crazy next year, he thinks he’ll be alright at McKinley on his own.
He has family here now, and they need him. And yeah, Brittany might insult his hair again, or Artie might go crazy with power, or Tina might turn into a diva, but he also knows that, when push comes to shove, they’ve got his back, and he has theirs.
So he’ll be perfect for them, because that’ll help them win competitions, but not because they need him to be.
He’s already won his place in this family; he doesn’t have to fight for it anymore.
(And if he still strives for perfection, still does all he can to be liked, well, old habits die hard. There’s not a problem with that.)
--
END
Author: jakia / luckyjak
Word Count: 2085
Summary: Twenty facts about Blaine Anderson, and why he constantly strives for perfection. Background Kurt/Blaine, mostly a character study.
A/N: A lot of previous fandoms I've been in had 20_truths challenges, which is basically exactly what it says on the tin: you write 20 truths or 20 facts about a character/pairing/group, often in a stylized format that ends up being part fanfiction, part meta, and part headcanon. I haven't seen this format used for the Glee fandom hardly at all, so I thought I'd introduce it and see if it spreads. (If someone wants to write 20 Truths of Lord Tubbington that would be fantastic thanks). That, and I had ~ideas~.
Enjoy!
1. Blaine’s not white. Not, of course, that there’s anything wrong with that. Blaine’s brother is white, and Blaine’s father is white, but Blaine’s not. Blaine’s a hundred percent hapa, thank you very much.
Hapa, of course, meaning half.
So he’s one hundred percent half of something.
--
2. Contrary to popular belief, Blaine was never the black sheep of his family. In fact, he was the golden child compared to Cooper, who wore all black and ran away to L.A. to become an actor, for Christ's sake. In comparison to that, little Blaine was his parents' angel, their sweet, talented, smart, well-mannered little boy. They supported him in everything, went to every single one of his performances, his games, everything.
It made Blaine confident, because he felt like he could do anything, and his parents would be proud.
--
3. Which is why, at age 12 and a half, when he first realized he liked guys for the first time, Blaine came out; no deep soul-searching, no kissing girls to be sure, nothing. He liked boys, and he didn't think there was a problem with that.
--
4. It never occurred to him that his parents might be slightly homophobic until after he came out to them, and his father looked at him, for the first time in Blaine's life, with soul-crushing disappointment.
--
5. His parents had always loved and supported him no matter what. It never occurred to twelve year old Blaine that that could ever stop, that there was a limit on parental affection, if you ever stopped being exactly what they wanted you to be.
--
6. Blaine’s parents have always been exactly two things to Blaine: highly critical, and extremely proud.
After he comes out, they stop being proud.
Eventually, they stop bothering to even watch, so there’s less criticism, at least, but there’s nothing else, either.
--
7. From ages 12-14, Blaine's entire life and personality takes a 180 degree turn. He goes from a confident, fairly popular and well-liked kid to being insecure, bullied and nearly friendless. His parents find excuses to no longer be a part of his life anymore, though they try to pass it off as them being "busy with work" rather than "disappointed he's gay".
--
8. He strives, then, to become perfect at everything he does. Because if he's perfect, people will like him again. It worked with his parents when he was a little kid--why won't it work again?
--
9. That said, he's still somewhat of a cocky little shit in spite of his growing inferiority complex, which is why, as a freshman, he goes up to the only other out guy in the school (a senior) and asks him out to the Sadie Hawkins dance. The senior says yes out of amusement, an admiration of Blaine’s courage, and mostly because he’d like to attend at least one school dance before he graduates.
--
10. At fourteen, after nearly being beaten to death, he learns that his parents still love him enough to send him to Dalton for his own safety, but not enough to talk to him.
--
11. At Dalton, he comes back to life. People like him. He has friends again, even if he’s not particularly close to any of them. He gets to sing, and people are happy to hear him. He gets his confidence back. He has people he can eat lunch with now, and people who want to play video games with him. And maybe they don’t care about the latest issue of Vogue, or that bowties are making a comeback in the fashion world, but they also don’t seem to mind that he’s gay, and that’s such a relief.
He still has to be perfect, of course, but, well, when isn’t he?
--
12. He finds out the hard way, clutching his slushie-covered face while thrashing in pain on hard asphalt, that Dalton, like everything else in his life, only ever liked him when he was being who they wanted him to be, rather than himself.
--
13. Kurt Hummel is the first person in Blaine’s life to ever point out Blaine’s flaws, and still like him anyway. He does it over (you’re an idiot and you make a fool out of yourself because you have a crush on a boy, but I like you anyway) and over (you don’t know anything about yourself and you hurt my feelings, but I like you anyway) and over (you’re often inappropriate and you don’t know half as much as you act like you do, but I like you anyway) and over (you steal other people’s spotlight and you sing so often it becomes monotonous, but I like you anyway) again.
Its why, when Blaine finally falls in love with Kurt, he falls so quickly and so deeply that it absolutely terrifies him, to need and want and love somebody that much, while he’s still so young.
--
14. To always remind you how perfectly imperfect you are might’ve been written more with Blaine in mind than Kurt, because to Blaine Kurt is perfection personified, even when he’s being vain or mean or insensitive. It’s Blaine who needs the reminders.
Kurt understands the sentiment, regardless.
--
15. “I’m so proud of you” is the nicest thing you can say to Blaine. It means more to him than “you’re perfect” or “you sing like a dream” or “you did good” because those are all about something Blaine did, are a part of his performance-they aren’t him.
“I’m proud of you” though, that means you’re proud of Blaine, of himself, for the good things he’s done, and the bad, not just of what he can accomplish in front of an audience.
It takes Kurt a little while to figure this out, but once he does, he never stops.
--
16. After he leaves Dalton, his parents stop coming home, really. Blaine tells himself that it’s better this way-if they aren’t here, they can’t constantly criticize him. If they aren’t here, Kurt can come over all the time, and they can have privacy and locked doors and things other kids his age don’t get to have with their boyfriends.
But then he finds himself holding an extra pair of tickets to West Side Story that he knows aren’t going to get used, and he thinks, sadly, that he’d trade it all-his privacy with Kurt, his parents’ constant disappointment-if it meant they cared enough about him to show up in the first place.
--
17. There is a reason it takes until Cooper returns to Lima for the two brothers to ever reconnect. There’s the realization that Blaine is not the golden child any more, that Cooper, without meaning to, has started to become their father (“You aren’t good enough you will never be good enough why can’t you be good enough do this do that why are you still not good enough?”). There’s a hug, a flurry of compliments, and an offer to help.
Mostly though, it’s the realization that while neither of them are ever going to be what their parents want them to be, that doesn’t mean they have to do it alone.
It doesn’t replace the emptiness of a vast house, and brotherly affection will never be the same as a father’s unconditional love, but God, it’s nice to get a weekly phone call from someone who’s genuinely happy to hear that his Glee Club won Nationals, or anything else good that’s happened in Blaine’s life.
It’s not enough, of course, but it’s more than he had before, so he’ll take what he can get.
--
18. To be completely honest, he likes girls, a bit. Not enough to be straight, or even enough to be classified as bi, really, but he does like them. Likes kissing them, anyway, and while he has a hard time imagining what sex with a girl would be like, he thinks he could probably make it happen, if he really wanted to.
For him, though, it’s like comparing apples to chocolate. Sure, he likes apples alright, and he’d eat one if he was hungry. But if he could get away with only ever eating chocolate for the rest of his life? God, why would he even look at an apple?
--
19. Sometimes, he wishes he had gotten to know Quinn Fabray more before she graduated. He thinks, if they ever did sit down and talk, that they’d have a lot in common.
Looking at her, sometimes, is like looking at himself through a funhouse mirror-twisted and distorted and strange, but fundamentally still the same person.
He doesn’t know how to have that conversation, though, and so he never does.
--
20. To be completely honest, McKinley scares the hell out of Blaine. It scared him last summer, when Kurt batted his eyelashes at him and asked him to transfer. It scares him now, and he’s been there for an entire year.
At McKinley, he’s nothing, really, not even a blip on anyone’s radar. He’s not popular, but he’s also not bullied really. His charisma is encouraged for performances but mostly it just gives him jealous enemies rather than friends. And the New Directions are a hot mess of crazy, and sometimes he can’t believe that these are the people he’s decided to align himself with.
He struggled to make friends even in the New Directions at first, with Finn constantly harassing him out of jealousy, and Santana accusing of trying to make it the Blaine and Rachel Show, and he’s just so lost, in the beginning. Singing, dancing, being the perfect showman--that was how he made friends at Dalton-why isn’t it working here? The first semester he’s at McKinley he feels like Kurt’s shadow, unable to exist full on his own without him.
(Why do they not like him? He’s being what they want. Why is that still not good enough?)
Come January, he’s still not sure he understands the New Directions, but he does understand one thing about them: when you are a part of them, then you are a member of that family. And the New Directions protect their own. They may not even like each other all that much, but they’re all they’ve ever had and so are fiercely protective of one another.
Its why, when the Warblers almost blind him, he learns what friendship-what family-really is.
It’s Santana taping a recorder to her underboob and interrogating Sebastian, even though she doesn’t like Blaine all that much and mocked his bowties when he tried to help her after she came out.
It’s Finn visiting Blaine and bringing him movies that feature eyepatches, even though Finn spent most of the first semester being so jealous of Blaine he couldn’t see straight.
It’s Artie, being so angry on Blaine’s behalf, that he wants to stand up and yell at Mr. Schue for him. But he can’t, so instead he buys a tape recorder and convinces her to wear it to Dalton, because one of their own has been hurt.
It’s Mercedes praying for him.
It’s Rachel coming to his house and singing to him, because she doesn’t know how to comfort someone otherwise.
It’s Tina bringing him his homework without being asked.
It’s Sugar, buying out Breadstix and inviting him to sing, so he can surprise his boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.
Its love, unconditional and familial, something he’s wanted his entire life, but never quite knew how to ask for. And it’s not perfect-Brittany will make fun of his hair at prom, and Puck will make him feel like he’s not really a part of the group, at time-but even with the fights and the name-calling and the solo-stealing and the insults, he knows these people have his back, and he has theirs.
That’s why, even though he’s going to miss Kurt like crazy next year, he thinks he’ll be alright at McKinley on his own.
He has family here now, and they need him. And yeah, Brittany might insult his hair again, or Artie might go crazy with power, or Tina might turn into a diva, but he also knows that, when push comes to shove, they’ve got his back, and he has theirs.
So he’ll be perfect for them, because that’ll help them win competitions, but not because they need him to be.
He’s already won his place in this family; he doesn’t have to fight for it anymore.
(And if he still strives for perfection, still does all he can to be liked, well, old habits die hard. There’s not a problem with that.)
--
END