Perceptive Perspectives
***WARNING: LONG POST!!!***
Well well... so I'm FINALLY writing a blog about some realizations I had a week ago. A few of you who I am close to, or have talked to in depth recently know what this contains. For the rest of you, I warn you....this is a LONG self-realization style type post. And you know how long winded I normally am. If I say it's gonna be long, well, let's just say I warned you!
So last Saturday I went to a club. I went with some good friends, and pretty much went on the premise I'd get to see some good friends I don't get to see too often. I didn't go with expectations beyond that at all. Now this club was like the places you see on TV or in the movies...like a stereotypical overcrowded club. Hell I was in line for like 20 minutes just to use the bathroom! So, there were hundreds of people here, and as such hundreds of girls as well. Being a single guy in a club atmosphere, it's hard to not notice that. It's also not hard for a guy like me to notice all of the weird looks, dirty looks, and the "what the hell are YOU doing here?" type of looks. I'm NOT a club going type of guy. Being a non-drinker, non-dancer, non-good at meeting random women type of guy, the only business I have in a club is being a performer on stage. Nothing more really. I don't fit in, can't even PRETEND to fit in, and in reality, don't want to.
Now it's bad enough seeing that type of unspoken reaction to yourself from one woman, much less a whole lot of them. So, driving home from this, I did some thinking. I had an hour drive home, so plenty of time to think. I had some epiphanies or something.
First of all, I was depressed. I didn't want to be. I didn't even think I REALLY cared about the reactions, but I guess somewhere I did. It did made me think though. I began thinking of the whole club/bar/whatever scene. Girl gussies herself to attract guys. Guys use everything at their disposal to convince the girls to be willing to be with them. This whole thing is a variation on sales. Guys are selling THEMSELVES to women. However, guys can't present EVERYTHING about themselves. Because if the woman knew ALL these things about the guy, there would be plenty to dislike. Women want to see just enough of what they consider "ideal" traits in a guy. Nothing more, nothing less. Guys are selling the women on the fact that THEY possess these traits in JUST the way the woman would want them. And a good salesman, er, guy, will not overdo this. Offering up themselves and their actions in just the way to appear interesting and mysterious, is precisely the way to sell the woman on the ideal that HE is an awesome guy for her. If all goes according to plan, these two hang out together, maybe go home together, hook up, and MAYBE even talk again after that!
Now, regular club going men and women know this is how it works. It seems that alcohol is necessary for both sexes to ACCEPT it, or partake in it, but that's another story...
For the record I'm not very good at sales. Quite the contrary, I have a tendency to talk people OUT of things! One of the mantras that I pass on to my students is as follows: No matter how good you are at something, there is somebody better, no matter how bad you are at something there is somebody worse, so use that as an opportunity to just be yourself. Being true to who you are is always the best solution. It's easier to give advice than to follow it sometimes though.... Anyway, I accept that in the scheme of things, meeting random women is something I'm much more on the bad end of things than the good end. Not to mention being myself also pushes me much closer to that bad end as well. I'm not trying to put myself down, I'm just looking at it from a bystander's point of view. In summation, I'm at a HUGE disadvantage from this standpoint.
Secondly, there is this. Are club going type girls the type of girls I really want? I mean seriously. Everyone wants to get some. That goes without saying. Maybe I want it more than some others. Even still, do I REALLY want it from girls like that? For as cute, young, whatever as they may be, being that I'm not viewing it as a competition type of thing, it would probably be very unfulfilling for the most part. Probably wouldn't go much beyond a one night stand. And for as much as that can be exciting in some ways, I am and always have been a self professed "personality person". I need someone with a personality to really stimulate me. How much personality am I really gonna find during some BS club conversation, or from someone drunk enough to want to let me talk to her or even sleep with her? Just my point. Moving on...
Thirdly, I'm an artist. Thankfully I've pulled my crap together enough that I'm not starving anymore, but still an artist! As such, I have this crazy desire and dream for others to accept me. I have this crazy notion that I want a girl to know everything about me and not just accept it, but actually like it and want to be a part of it. I want that level of acceptance from everyone to some degree, so I basically require it in someone who would be close to me. The problem with that is that if a girl learns that much about me, she is either scared away, or determines that she knows too much about me to ever be with me. As a guy, you can't spill yourself out to women. It's seen as too effeminate, overwhelming, or they understand so much, you inherently become someone that they'd be afraid of hurting, i.e., a friend. It's not a trait that a lot of women are generally looking for in their men, let's just put it that way.
Fourth, is another observation. Basically, the way things are, like I said women get approached by men. Women are flattered by this, and expect men to talk to them. It helps the women shed her insecurities (which I don't understand why they have them....must be a society thing) and also to feel flattered by the man. A woman knows immediately that the guy accepts what they are offering. A woman can be thinking to herself "I hope my butt doesn't look big in this skirt" or "I hope my eyebrows look even" or whatever, but as SOON as the guy is talking to her, whether she acknowledges it or not, it's a given that he is accepting of all of these things, and even moreso, he's INTERESTED. Interested enough to go out of his way to come talk to her. Hence, flattery for the woman.
Now this being said, a guy doesn't get this satisfaction. It turns into what I call "slightly better than nothing". When a guy approaches a woman and she doesn't tell him where to shove it, she is accepting. At this point, he has managed to prove himself as being slightly better than her talking to nobody. At the very best, he has convinced her that he is better than the other guys that are present at said locale and other guys who she's interacted. In reality, he's just better than the guys she's interacted with up until this point at this event. And even more likely, he's just slightly better than nothing. Whereas a girl KNOWS that a guy who comes up and talks to her, thinks her hair is nice, her outfit is rockin', and that her body is great, etc. Or else he'd talk to someone else right? However, the guy could be too fat for her, too short, have the wrong color eyes or clothes even, or whatever, but if THAT is slightly better than what she's seen so far, she won't push it away. Until the better one comes along and presents himself as better than THAT. Slightly better than nothing.
Think about that mentality for a moment. Especially outside of the club scene I'm painting here. How many of you know women that live type of situation or mentality in their everyday lives? You see it everywhere. Battered wives who still "love" their husbands, general unhappy marriages, girls who are considered "sluts", etc. I'm not making this up here. So many women are with guys in many situations because they are "slightly better than nothing". I've been victim of it numerous times I'm certain. But the guy never gets to really know just where they stand in their view. They just know that they aren't standing outside alone. They never get that satisfaction of knowing just how into them a girl is really. They usually just find out when the girl is more into someone else unfortunately.
Now this leads me to my fifth point. It is a theory I've also had for a while, as well as the "sales" theory or observation. This is what I call the "Rockstar theory". The rockstar theory is when the woman's situation is turned around 180 onto the men. Like I said, women want to be approached. If you ask a woman how many guys SHE has asked out, it will likely be a much lesser number than a guy would give, even from the shyest of guys. However, there are certain situations in which the girl WILL take that first step of approach. This is often seen in the "Rockstar" (or in the bitter reality of recent, RAP star...ugh) world. Guy puts himself out there, doing what he does. Kinda like revealing a naked soul of himself to the public, baring all that he is and what he does to the world. This intrigues and amazes the woman, and she is led to feel that she wants THAT, and will do what it takes to get it. This means, foregoing the flattery of being approached, and forces her to take matters in her own hands. This mindset can be summed up in one word: groupies. Not saying all women who've experienced this are groupies, that's just an extreme example of this mindset. But there are certain situations when the woman would be inclined to actually make their move on the man. In this situation the guy actually DOES get to know where he stands in that woman's eyes. He stands so much higher than even the sweetest of talkers at a club or whatever. She is GENUINELY interested in this guy. So much so, that she'd abandon the "standard" approach that puts her at an advantage! Yes, this is an approach where THE GUY can actually be given the flattery normally reserved for women. A guy would KNOW that this girl sees who he is and what he does, and really wants it!
Phew. Yes, take a breath. I am. (remember, you only have to read, but I have to type all of this!) Ok, so those are the situations, theories, and observations. Let's put them to use.
So the short solution: I need to become a rockstar! And not that I wouldn't welcome that. But, let's get realistic here, and use this information to put myself and my life in perspective, and not for dreaming.
Now, I am single. Have been for quite some time. In the neighborhood of about 2½ years now. One of MANY reasons for my being single is that I didn't want to have any regrets. I never really experienced "single" life. Since age 19 or so, I had been in committed relationships. I was never a confident kind of guy, so I never got to actually be out there and play the field, or whatever cliche'd description you'd tack onto that. I didn't want to be some old guy trying to re-live youth and be a laughing stock. Arguably at this point I'm not far off from that, but at least I'm not nearly as pathetic as I could be. But I was (and still am) sick of living a life full of "what ifs". I will go so far as to say at this point, I realize that THAT type of single life is by no means for me. I'm not cut out for it, I can't hang. Some guys are good at it. I can't lie that part of me wishes I could be. I guess it's my inner ego. But realistically, it's not going to happen. It's fair to say that I don't see it as a what if anymore. It's more of a "nope, not me. Next." kinda outlook now.
Let's say for sake of argument, I was to TRY and overcome this whole meeting new women thing. Most likely it would be done by "getting myself out there" and going to these types of clubs or whatever on a regular basis. Putting myself in these situations that are uncomfortable until I break out of the discomfort and can manage to muster up a wee bit of confidence and pursue something. Well, I see how depressed I was after being at a club with no intentions on meeting anyone. Let's say I went every day for a week. It's quite likely that I would get more and more depressed each day. And maybe MAYBE by the end of the week, I actually convinced some girl that she wouldn't have to waste a drink to splash in my face and that I was slightly better than nothing. Maybe MAYBE, conversation would progress to the point that she let me *gulp* take her home. (Quite likely this WOULDN'T happen, just hypothetically...follow me here) If it just so happened that this situation took place, it PROBABLY wouldn't go much beyond that. Inevitably, odds are THAT would be it. And for as fulfilling, even temporarily, as it could be, if I was LUCKY, it may just balance out a week of depression and denial that I was faced with. Quite likely, it wouldn't even do that. Now, this would be me STILL being in a worse place than I started in. That's even MORE depressing. The amount of rejection I'd have to face (the odds game) to enable this to happen a first time, much less AGAIN would cause me way more hurt than the rewards would likely make up for. As an "artist" type, I take each rejection much more personally than anyone probably should. Essentially, it would do more harm than good. Definitely not a good way to build my ego or confidence.
So, I can say that I've come to grips that the "single guy player type" lifestyle is not for me.
Also, as many of you probably know I've been hurt a lot by women in my past. It's kind of a motif I guess you could say. And as I said, I take these things way more personally than I probably should. Thus, my ego and confidence level are much below where they most likely should be. I have a lot of issues with self worth, and such. In the last few years I've made huge steps on taking back control of my life and pursuing my dreams so that I can begin to make improvements in that area of things. Unfortunately this still holds true in regards to women. Looking at my track record, well quite frankly I don't have all that much going for me to be all that confident about. I am quite insecure with myself in regards to women, and pretty much anyone who has seen and experienced what I have in that field would likely be too. Anyway, the point is that at this stage, being "slightly better than nothing" is probably going to fuel that insecurity. I have enough self doubt the way it is, without the fear of knowing where I stand to a girl I like may only be a step away from being abandoned for the guy slightly better than me.
Being that I'm on a track of trying to get my life in order MY way, it's fair to say I'm in a selfish stage of my life. Rightfully so I believe. I'm not compromising myself for anyone. I've done enough of that, now it's for me. After all I've been through, and what I'm capable of, I believe I deserve that. ("As I Am" by Dream Theater sums up my mindset of the last 2 or 3 years) So, basically I feel that the only way that I will be able to be involved with someone and not have that insecurity or fear set in as it always tends to, is to have a situation come into play that is much more "rockstar" than "slightly better than nothing". Yes, after all the crap I've been through, I feel I need a girl to meet me on MY terms. Selfish? Yes. Quite frankly after all I've been through I NEED that ego boost. And anything else will quite likely knock me down further, and that's the last thing anyone wants for me really, including myself.
Ok, now realizing all of this, I think it's safe to assume that I'm not going to find this in a "fling" or a "club" type girl. I MIGHT, but it's HIGHLY unlikely. I can meet some random girl and be like "I'm a musician" and they would be like "Oh, cool." or whatever. They would never quite grasp just what that means to me. Or care even. And I can't have that. Not anymore. I've tried to push through that barrier with none to moderate success. I don't want to do that anymore. It's not a fight I think is worth fighting. The end result will lead me.....well slightly better than nothing as well.
Plus for a girl to be willing to take me THAT seriously and understand me and WANT me that much, it's going to mean MUCH more than just some random hookup. Inevitably it will be something much more serious than that. And if it meets these absurd expectations, I guess I would be ok with that. Even though after all I've been through, a long term relationship has been the LAST thing I wanted in my life, I guess I've come so far as to say that I'd actually be ok with another long term relationship, if it came to be under these circumstances. I've also come so far in my selfishness that if it doesn't come about in this way, then I don't want it.
I also realize that this isn't going to happen overnight or anytime soon really. Nor do I expect it to. Music is the utmost highest priority in my life right now, bar none. Anyone I meet would have to accept that completely. With that attitude I realize that I'll probably spend another good chunk of time alone. For some reason now that I've put all this together, I'm much more accepting of it, and the reasons behind it. I also think THAT will make me appreciate that much more when it does reveal itself to me. In the meantime, Jake the musician is going to continue to pour his heart and soul into his dreams. And now I also have a much better idea of what I'm looking for, what I'm NOT looking for, and I definitely accept things much more approvingly as well. And if things happen to change for me, I'll welcome it knowing exactly what I want and need. Thanks for getting to the end of this with me. It really means a lot to me. Seriously.
One more.....phew.
Well well... so I'm FINALLY writing a blog about some realizations I had a week ago. A few of you who I am close to, or have talked to in depth recently know what this contains. For the rest of you, I warn you....this is a LONG self-realization style type post. And you know how long winded I normally am. If I say it's gonna be long, well, let's just say I warned you!
So last Saturday I went to a club. I went with some good friends, and pretty much went on the premise I'd get to see some good friends I don't get to see too often. I didn't go with expectations beyond that at all. Now this club was like the places you see on TV or in the movies...like a stereotypical overcrowded club. Hell I was in line for like 20 minutes just to use the bathroom! So, there were hundreds of people here, and as such hundreds of girls as well. Being a single guy in a club atmosphere, it's hard to not notice that. It's also not hard for a guy like me to notice all of the weird looks, dirty looks, and the "what the hell are YOU doing here?" type of looks. I'm NOT a club going type of guy. Being a non-drinker, non-dancer, non-good at meeting random women type of guy, the only business I have in a club is being a performer on stage. Nothing more really. I don't fit in, can't even PRETEND to fit in, and in reality, don't want to.
Now it's bad enough seeing that type of unspoken reaction to yourself from one woman, much less a whole lot of them. So, driving home from this, I did some thinking. I had an hour drive home, so plenty of time to think. I had some epiphanies or something.
First of all, I was depressed. I didn't want to be. I didn't even think I REALLY cared about the reactions, but I guess somewhere I did. It did made me think though. I began thinking of the whole club/bar/whatever scene. Girl gussies herself to attract guys. Guys use everything at their disposal to convince the girls to be willing to be with them. This whole thing is a variation on sales. Guys are selling THEMSELVES to women. However, guys can't present EVERYTHING about themselves. Because if the woman knew ALL these things about the guy, there would be plenty to dislike. Women want to see just enough of what they consider "ideal" traits in a guy. Nothing more, nothing less. Guys are selling the women on the fact that THEY possess these traits in JUST the way the woman would want them. And a good salesman, er, guy, will not overdo this. Offering up themselves and their actions in just the way to appear interesting and mysterious, is precisely the way to sell the woman on the ideal that HE is an awesome guy for her. If all goes according to plan, these two hang out together, maybe go home together, hook up, and MAYBE even talk again after that!
Now, regular club going men and women know this is how it works. It seems that alcohol is necessary for both sexes to ACCEPT it, or partake in it, but that's another story...
For the record I'm not very good at sales. Quite the contrary, I have a tendency to talk people OUT of things! One of the mantras that I pass on to my students is as follows: No matter how good you are at something, there is somebody better, no matter how bad you are at something there is somebody worse, so use that as an opportunity to just be yourself. Being true to who you are is always the best solution. It's easier to give advice than to follow it sometimes though.... Anyway, I accept that in the scheme of things, meeting random women is something I'm much more on the bad end of things than the good end. Not to mention being myself also pushes me much closer to that bad end as well. I'm not trying to put myself down, I'm just looking at it from a bystander's point of view. In summation, I'm at a HUGE disadvantage from this standpoint.
Secondly, there is this. Are club going type girls the type of girls I really want? I mean seriously. Everyone wants to get some. That goes without saying. Maybe I want it more than some others. Even still, do I REALLY want it from girls like that? For as cute, young, whatever as they may be, being that I'm not viewing it as a competition type of thing, it would probably be very unfulfilling for the most part. Probably wouldn't go much beyond a one night stand. And for as much as that can be exciting in some ways, I am and always have been a self professed "personality person". I need someone with a personality to really stimulate me. How much personality am I really gonna find during some BS club conversation, or from someone drunk enough to want to let me talk to her or even sleep with her? Just my point. Moving on...
Thirdly, I'm an artist. Thankfully I've pulled my crap together enough that I'm not starving anymore, but still an artist! As such, I have this crazy desire and dream for others to accept me. I have this crazy notion that I want a girl to know everything about me and not just accept it, but actually like it and want to be a part of it. I want that level of acceptance from everyone to some degree, so I basically require it in someone who would be close to me. The problem with that is that if a girl learns that much about me, she is either scared away, or determines that she knows too much about me to ever be with me. As a guy, you can't spill yourself out to women. It's seen as too effeminate, overwhelming, or they understand so much, you inherently become someone that they'd be afraid of hurting, i.e., a friend. It's not a trait that a lot of women are generally looking for in their men, let's just put it that way.
Fourth, is another observation. Basically, the way things are, like I said women get approached by men. Women are flattered by this, and expect men to talk to them. It helps the women shed her insecurities (which I don't understand why they have them....must be a society thing) and also to feel flattered by the man. A woman knows immediately that the guy accepts what they are offering. A woman can be thinking to herself "I hope my butt doesn't look big in this skirt" or "I hope my eyebrows look even" or whatever, but as SOON as the guy is talking to her, whether she acknowledges it or not, it's a given that he is accepting of all of these things, and even moreso, he's INTERESTED. Interested enough to go out of his way to come talk to her. Hence, flattery for the woman.
Now this being said, a guy doesn't get this satisfaction. It turns into what I call "slightly better than nothing". When a guy approaches a woman and she doesn't tell him where to shove it, she is accepting. At this point, he has managed to prove himself as being slightly better than her talking to nobody. At the very best, he has convinced her that he is better than the other guys that are present at said locale and other guys who she's interacted. In reality, he's just better than the guys she's interacted with up until this point at this event. And even more likely, he's just slightly better than nothing. Whereas a girl KNOWS that a guy who comes up and talks to her, thinks her hair is nice, her outfit is rockin', and that her body is great, etc. Or else he'd talk to someone else right? However, the guy could be too fat for her, too short, have the wrong color eyes or clothes even, or whatever, but if THAT is slightly better than what she's seen so far, she won't push it away. Until the better one comes along and presents himself as better than THAT. Slightly better than nothing.
Think about that mentality for a moment. Especially outside of the club scene I'm painting here. How many of you know women that live type of situation or mentality in their everyday lives? You see it everywhere. Battered wives who still "love" their husbands, general unhappy marriages, girls who are considered "sluts", etc. I'm not making this up here. So many women are with guys in many situations because they are "slightly better than nothing". I've been victim of it numerous times I'm certain. But the guy never gets to really know just where they stand in their view. They just know that they aren't standing outside alone. They never get that satisfaction of knowing just how into them a girl is really. They usually just find out when the girl is more into someone else unfortunately.
Now this leads me to my fifth point. It is a theory I've also had for a while, as well as the "sales" theory or observation. This is what I call the "Rockstar theory". The rockstar theory is when the woman's situation is turned around 180 onto the men. Like I said, women want to be approached. If you ask a woman how many guys SHE has asked out, it will likely be a much lesser number than a guy would give, even from the shyest of guys. However, there are certain situations in which the girl WILL take that first step of approach. This is often seen in the "Rockstar" (or in the bitter reality of recent, RAP star...ugh) world. Guy puts himself out there, doing what he does. Kinda like revealing a naked soul of himself to the public, baring all that he is and what he does to the world. This intrigues and amazes the woman, and she is led to feel that she wants THAT, and will do what it takes to get it. This means, foregoing the flattery of being approached, and forces her to take matters in her own hands. This mindset can be summed up in one word: groupies. Not saying all women who've experienced this are groupies, that's just an extreme example of this mindset. But there are certain situations when the woman would be inclined to actually make their move on the man. In this situation the guy actually DOES get to know where he stands in that woman's eyes. He stands so much higher than even the sweetest of talkers at a club or whatever. She is GENUINELY interested in this guy. So much so, that she'd abandon the "standard" approach that puts her at an advantage! Yes, this is an approach where THE GUY can actually be given the flattery normally reserved for women. A guy would KNOW that this girl sees who he is and what he does, and really wants it!
Phew. Yes, take a breath. I am. (remember, you only have to read, but I have to type all of this!) Ok, so those are the situations, theories, and observations. Let's put them to use.
So the short solution: I need to become a rockstar! And not that I wouldn't welcome that. But, let's get realistic here, and use this information to put myself and my life in perspective, and not for dreaming.
Now, I am single. Have been for quite some time. In the neighborhood of about 2½ years now. One of MANY reasons for my being single is that I didn't want to have any regrets. I never really experienced "single" life. Since age 19 or so, I had been in committed relationships. I was never a confident kind of guy, so I never got to actually be out there and play the field, or whatever cliche'd description you'd tack onto that. I didn't want to be some old guy trying to re-live youth and be a laughing stock. Arguably at this point I'm not far off from that, but at least I'm not nearly as pathetic as I could be. But I was (and still am) sick of living a life full of "what ifs". I will go so far as to say at this point, I realize that THAT type of single life is by no means for me. I'm not cut out for it, I can't hang. Some guys are good at it. I can't lie that part of me wishes I could be. I guess it's my inner ego. But realistically, it's not going to happen. It's fair to say that I don't see it as a what if anymore. It's more of a "nope, not me. Next." kinda outlook now.
Let's say for sake of argument, I was to TRY and overcome this whole meeting new women thing. Most likely it would be done by "getting myself out there" and going to these types of clubs or whatever on a regular basis. Putting myself in these situations that are uncomfortable until I break out of the discomfort and can manage to muster up a wee bit of confidence and pursue something. Well, I see how depressed I was after being at a club with no intentions on meeting anyone. Let's say I went every day for a week. It's quite likely that I would get more and more depressed each day. And maybe MAYBE by the end of the week, I actually convinced some girl that she wouldn't have to waste a drink to splash in my face and that I was slightly better than nothing. Maybe MAYBE, conversation would progress to the point that she let me *gulp* take her home. (Quite likely this WOULDN'T happen, just hypothetically...follow me here) If it just so happened that this situation took place, it PROBABLY wouldn't go much beyond that. Inevitably, odds are THAT would be it. And for as fulfilling, even temporarily, as it could be, if I was LUCKY, it may just balance out a week of depression and denial that I was faced with. Quite likely, it wouldn't even do that. Now, this would be me STILL being in a worse place than I started in. That's even MORE depressing. The amount of rejection I'd have to face (the odds game) to enable this to happen a first time, much less AGAIN would cause me way more hurt than the rewards would likely make up for. As an "artist" type, I take each rejection much more personally than anyone probably should. Essentially, it would do more harm than good. Definitely not a good way to build my ego or confidence.
So, I can say that I've come to grips that the "single guy player type" lifestyle is not for me.
Also, as many of you probably know I've been hurt a lot by women in my past. It's kind of a motif I guess you could say. And as I said, I take these things way more personally than I probably should. Thus, my ego and confidence level are much below where they most likely should be. I have a lot of issues with self worth, and such. In the last few years I've made huge steps on taking back control of my life and pursuing my dreams so that I can begin to make improvements in that area of things. Unfortunately this still holds true in regards to women. Looking at my track record, well quite frankly I don't have all that much going for me to be all that confident about. I am quite insecure with myself in regards to women, and pretty much anyone who has seen and experienced what I have in that field would likely be too. Anyway, the point is that at this stage, being "slightly better than nothing" is probably going to fuel that insecurity. I have enough self doubt the way it is, without the fear of knowing where I stand to a girl I like may only be a step away from being abandoned for the guy slightly better than me.
Being that I'm on a track of trying to get my life in order MY way, it's fair to say I'm in a selfish stage of my life. Rightfully so I believe. I'm not compromising myself for anyone. I've done enough of that, now it's for me. After all I've been through, and what I'm capable of, I believe I deserve that. ("As I Am" by Dream Theater sums up my mindset of the last 2 or 3 years) So, basically I feel that the only way that I will be able to be involved with someone and not have that insecurity or fear set in as it always tends to, is to have a situation come into play that is much more "rockstar" than "slightly better than nothing". Yes, after all the crap I've been through, I feel I need a girl to meet me on MY terms. Selfish? Yes. Quite frankly after all I've been through I NEED that ego boost. And anything else will quite likely knock me down further, and that's the last thing anyone wants for me really, including myself.
Ok, now realizing all of this, I think it's safe to assume that I'm not going to find this in a "fling" or a "club" type girl. I MIGHT, but it's HIGHLY unlikely. I can meet some random girl and be like "I'm a musician" and they would be like "Oh, cool." or whatever. They would never quite grasp just what that means to me. Or care even. And I can't have that. Not anymore. I've tried to push through that barrier with none to moderate success. I don't want to do that anymore. It's not a fight I think is worth fighting. The end result will lead me.....well slightly better than nothing as well.
Plus for a girl to be willing to take me THAT seriously and understand me and WANT me that much, it's going to mean MUCH more than just some random hookup. Inevitably it will be something much more serious than that. And if it meets these absurd expectations, I guess I would be ok with that. Even though after all I've been through, a long term relationship has been the LAST thing I wanted in my life, I guess I've come so far as to say that I'd actually be ok with another long term relationship, if it came to be under these circumstances. I've also come so far in my selfishness that if it doesn't come about in this way, then I don't want it.
I also realize that this isn't going to happen overnight or anytime soon really. Nor do I expect it to. Music is the utmost highest priority in my life right now, bar none. Anyone I meet would have to accept that completely. With that attitude I realize that I'll probably spend another good chunk of time alone. For some reason now that I've put all this together, I'm much more accepting of it, and the reasons behind it. I also think THAT will make me appreciate that much more when it does reveal itself to me. In the meantime, Jake the musician is going to continue to pour his heart and soul into his dreams. And now I also have a much better idea of what I'm looking for, what I'm NOT looking for, and I definitely accept things much more approvingly as well. And if things happen to change for me, I'll welcome it knowing exactly what I want and need. Thanks for getting to the end of this with me. It really means a lot to me. Seriously.
One more.....phew.