Witt's End
I've reached it, truly.
He won't come see me, because of... Well, likely the only person that's reading this right now. And I feel like shit. And half of me is tempted to beg my mother, and torture myself for months, just so that he would come see me and be with me. The other half of me knows that it's impossible to do that, and that no man is worth that torture, really. I know in the end I'll be far happier in Cali... But right now the fact that he won't come see me for my birthday like we've been planning before I got kicked out of home even, because I'll be married and it would be too weird for him.. The fact that if he kisses me, he'll think "Is her husband going to kick my ass?"
That this marriage will be fake, that it's open... that doesn't matter. It doesn't feel right to him. Also, I think I won't have my own place to sleep... So even if he did come visit me... There would be no 'lovers entwined'. No... nothing, in fact, cause he won't come. All of that, and he doesn't want to drive out that far. But now he's talking planes. Why in the world does it have to be so expensive for two people to see each other? We could do motels, but prices are insane.
Maybe he will come see me in October, if we're together (and I pray we are), and if he can sleep on the couch or something. Or maybe, in January, if my work lets me and I don't have school or something, I can go see him. It's just all.. complicated, though. If I have school at that time, is it possible to tell the professor I want two weeks off, so please give me work and stuff? Can you do that in college, like high school? I'm not a little girl anymore, it would seem, and life has only grown more complicated with all the 'freedom' I received.
Really... Why can't all of this be simpler? Well, soon as I get a job, I'll have to work my ass off, to prove to them that I am a good worker, so that they would let me take two weeks off if it came down to that, sort of thing. Or at least make enough money so that I end up paying Anthony back, being able to help out with the rent and food and everything, and slowly save enough so that I can pay for a bit of the plane ticket that either Jonathon or I take.
I have no idea what's going to happen... I guess only time can tell. And the fact that I think I'm in love... it really doesn't help. This would be easier, if I didn't feel the way I did. A million emotions, thoughts... but in the end, there's nothing I can do.
And why the hell am I up so god damned early?! I woke up at 7:30, after going to sleep at 4!!!! And that fucking lady STILL hasn't gotten back to me about Atticus Nick! Bitch.
He won't come see me, because of... Well, likely the only person that's reading this right now. And I feel like shit. And half of me is tempted to beg my mother, and torture myself for months, just so that he would come see me and be with me. The other half of me knows that it's impossible to do that, and that no man is worth that torture, really. I know in the end I'll be far happier in Cali... But right now the fact that he won't come see me for my birthday like we've been planning before I got kicked out of home even, because I'll be married and it would be too weird for him.. The fact that if he kisses me, he'll think "Is her husband going to kick my ass?"
That this marriage will be fake, that it's open... that doesn't matter. It doesn't feel right to him. Also, I think I won't have my own place to sleep... So even if he did come visit me... There would be no 'lovers entwined'. No... nothing, in fact, cause he won't come. All of that, and he doesn't want to drive out that far. But now he's talking planes. Why in the world does it have to be so expensive for two people to see each other? We could do motels, but prices are insane.
Maybe he will come see me in October, if we're together (and I pray we are), and if he can sleep on the couch or something. Or maybe, in January, if my work lets me and I don't have school or something, I can go see him. It's just all.. complicated, though. If I have school at that time, is it possible to tell the professor I want two weeks off, so please give me work and stuff? Can you do that in college, like high school? I'm not a little girl anymore, it would seem, and life has only grown more complicated with all the 'freedom' I received.
Really... Why can't all of this be simpler? Well, soon as I get a job, I'll have to work my ass off, to prove to them that I am a good worker, so that they would let me take two weeks off if it came down to that, sort of thing. Or at least make enough money so that I end up paying Anthony back, being able to help out with the rent and food and everything, and slowly save enough so that I can pay for a bit of the plane ticket that either Jonathon or I take.
I have no idea what's going to happen... I guess only time can tell. And the fact that I think I'm in love... it really doesn't help. This would be easier, if I didn't feel the way I did. A million emotions, thoughts... but in the end, there's nothing I can do.
And why the hell am I up so god damned early?! I woke up at 7:30, after going to sleep at 4!!!! And that fucking lady STILL hasn't gotten back to me about Atticus Nick! Bitch.