state of the joseph
I want to say a lot of things just to relieve the pressure in my head, but huh- I have no clue how to articulate them all coherently and nicely. This has been going on for a few days.
The whole open road image symbolizing the future? Well. I don't see a road, I see an endless carpark and I have NO IDEA AT ALL what to do with myself. I don't want to stay in Film because of the nagging feeling that I just don't belong there, but I don't know what to do outside of it; I'm staying in Film basically for my friends, and for the UP diploma in the end. It would be understandable if I took something Prestigious and Relevant like Business or Management or Accounting, but this is Film! I can hate Business and take it because I know I'll be useful and stuff, but I can't think of hating Film and then being a useless schmuck when I graduate.
The computer curfew is still in place, and the way my father is so cheerful and calm and logical about it is just infuriating, especially when he peeks over my shoulder as I read gossip blogs (sorry, the stereotype kinda sparkles through my Ragingly Heterosexual Facade sometimes, VERY BRIGHTLY) and he sees pink text and an underwear ad featuring a MAN in UNDERWEAR just STANDING THERE and goes "oh, watch your life choices." I was never really confused or angry until people got angry that I wasn't confused.
I've been feeling this general sense of restlessness since I got back from Singapore. I realized why when my parents announced that we would be going out today to a mall; I literally can't remember the last time we went out together on a weekend anywhere other than church. When we got to Rockwell with our grandparents, we all split up, but just the idea of being outside the house for reasons beyond school and church felt disturbingly unfamiliar.
There's something I can't place right now that I'm feeling. It's just humming through me, confusing me to death. The closest thing I can think of is subtle low-grade worry over everything.
The whole open road image symbolizing the future? Well. I don't see a road, I see an endless carpark and I have NO IDEA AT ALL what to do with myself. I don't want to stay in Film because of the nagging feeling that I just don't belong there, but I don't know what to do outside of it; I'm staying in Film basically for my friends, and for the UP diploma in the end. It would be understandable if I took something Prestigious and Relevant like Business or Management or Accounting, but this is Film! I can hate Business and take it because I know I'll be useful and stuff, but I can't think of hating Film and then being a useless schmuck when I graduate.
The computer curfew is still in place, and the way my father is so cheerful and calm and logical about it is just infuriating, especially when he peeks over my shoulder as I read gossip blogs (sorry, the stereotype kinda sparkles through my Ragingly Heterosexual Facade sometimes, VERY BRIGHTLY) and he sees pink text and an underwear ad featuring a MAN in UNDERWEAR just STANDING THERE and goes "oh, watch your life choices." I was never really confused or angry until people got angry that I wasn't confused.
I've been feeling this general sense of restlessness since I got back from Singapore. I realized why when my parents announced that we would be going out today to a mall; I literally can't remember the last time we went out together on a weekend anywhere other than church. When we got to Rockwell with our grandparents, we all split up, but just the idea of being outside the house for reasons beyond school and church felt disturbingly unfamiliar.
There's something I can't place right now that I'm feeling. It's just humming through me, confusing me to death. The closest thing I can think of is subtle low-grade worry over everything.