the coldest story ever told
I was already gone.
It’s strange where life takes you
If it’s all neurons transmitters and Mylar sheaths
Where did it get so complex?
All the theories and facts jumble into one
The road least taken
How do we know?
Nothing prepared me for this
And I wonder what I’d do over if I could
But how it would change the result
The product of that path
The regrets the horrible memories
The good ones
I watch everyone I know change
Going through their own shit
And becoming stronger because of it
I wonder how strong have I really become?
And can I do this insane amount of work a head of me?
Once this task is done another one appears
It all seems to snowball together and blend, like the fading colors of fall.
Why can’t we just know?
Save the heartache, the hurt.
Knowing no matter who your with someday they could leave you
One way or another and my god how do you survive it?
Get through it?
Even if you’re the one creating the situation
I don’t have any advice to give
Though I have been thinking about it quite a bit.
What can you tell a friend doing the hardest thing she has to do?
When she tells you she doesn’t think she’s strong enough to do it?
When in your mind she is the strongest person you know.
God she makes me doubt my strength
Next to her I look like nothing.
But she inspires me. I just want to help her as much as I can
Terrified I am leading her down the wrong road.
For years I have been praying for her to wake up and realize she could do so much better
But who the hell am I to tell someone who is good enough for someone else?
God knows I have no right to judge anyone.
I’m human and I fuck up
So does everyone else.
I just know in my heart that maybe he would never stray but that’s not a good enough reason to stay. If that were all that was wrong with the situation, I wouldn’t tell her to walk out because of that.
It’s just the years of fucked up interactions that I can’t believe she would ever tolerate that makes me want her to run fast and far.
All I have to compare it with is ryan.
And I don’t know how well I can do that anymore.
My heart no longer hurts for him.
It took almost 4 years for the ache to quiet
It took 6 to not feel anything anymore.
What I have now is better than that could have ever been.
And I want her to find that too.
All the shit we went through was just stupid.
But it’s all made me realize just how lucky I really am.
And I could have lost it all.
I wont run that risk ever again.
I’ve never been so committed
And as luck would have it the man I married despite his flaws, which are irritating
I have a great guy.
She loves him because she knows he’s good to me good for me.
I want to be able to say the same about her guy.
I hope I can help her through this because I hate that she has to go through it
I remember the pain and my god it is blindsiding.
I haven’t told her how long it took me to get to this point,
I don’t think it will take her as long.
But it will take a lot of time either way.
At least I’ll be able to be there for her more.
Now she will live even closer to me.
So at least I can help her through it.
Though school will keep us busy I already told her she is more than welcome to do stuff with me and chase. Come over and go swimming in the pool. I plan on spending every free second with him outside doing something this summer. We are NOT sitting in that house.
I hope she takes me up on it.
The official count down began 20 days ago it is now down to 12 until chris comes home.
I can’t wait.
I do not look forward to the hectic craziness but in a way I do.
I can’t wait to feel like a family again.
I can’t wait for my partner to come home
I am not myself without him.
I do things and I just don’t want to, it feels wrong.
I don’t know how to act or what to say
I guess when I am with his friends and family I can take turns with him
I can always talk to him
I have the tendency to say things I shouldnt and he saves me from that.
I also have more to say when he’s home
I haven’t really had much to say to anyone
With the exception of Melissa and chris I haven’t talked much to anyone.
I feel so disjointed.
It's very disorienting
I just have to adjust I guess.
It’s not going to be easy
My sleep pattern needs to desperately change.
Chase has started waking me up at 7:30 which is good
We’ll be getting up much earlier soon.
I’ll have to drop him off and head to school.
Then of course once I move I’ll be going another 20 min out of my way
I am pretty much going back to work without getting paid.
Instead I pay to go there.
It sounds stupid really but if there is even half a slice of a chance at getting a job I actually enjoy in an office with windows and opportunities then I want it.
If not I’ll end up with something like woodcock again and I may have to settle with that for a little while.
I just don’t see my life going that way.
I can’t do it..
I won’t do it.
I believe chris and I are headed for better things I really do.
It’s going to take a lot of team work.
It makes me wonder what it’ll be like when he gets home.
What an adjustment it will be for both of us.
And hopefully it goes well.
I’m scared
Of a lot of things
I try not to think about them
I don’t give myself enough time
But at night when I try to sleep I lie awake eyes closed my brain fully active.
I’m working out a way to shut it off, I guess dealing with it is the best way.
I haven’t really talked it out yet.
I don’t want to.
I can’t do anything about it until it all happens.
I feel like I am at a stand still at the moment and nothing starts til January.
He leaves and I start packing
Holidays are over thank god
School is breaking for three weeks and I get a storage space and start this process.
75 $ a month Melissa said
I have yet to look into it. No money at the moment no idea what size I need.
I’ll be getting a sitter for a day or two to get shit done. It’s the only way to do it.
Pack what I can at night and move shit during the day.
I’m already eyeballing shit I can move.
I of course need my parents to get their asses in gear and they are waiting until after the holidays. I can’t start shit and I hate it.
This is going to be a nightmare I have shit blocking his closet no where to put it… Ugh who loves Christmas? Not me… extra shit I have to do and I don’t want to.
It’s strange where life takes you
If it’s all neurons transmitters and Mylar sheaths
Where did it get so complex?
All the theories and facts jumble into one
The road least taken
How do we know?
Nothing prepared me for this
And I wonder what I’d do over if I could
But how it would change the result
The product of that path
The regrets the horrible memories
The good ones
I watch everyone I know change
Going through their own shit
And becoming stronger because of it
I wonder how strong have I really become?
And can I do this insane amount of work a head of me?
Once this task is done another one appears
It all seems to snowball together and blend, like the fading colors of fall.
Why can’t we just know?
Save the heartache, the hurt.
Knowing no matter who your with someday they could leave you
One way or another and my god how do you survive it?
Get through it?
Even if you’re the one creating the situation
I don’t have any advice to give
Though I have been thinking about it quite a bit.
What can you tell a friend doing the hardest thing she has to do?
When she tells you she doesn’t think she’s strong enough to do it?
When in your mind she is the strongest person you know.
God she makes me doubt my strength
Next to her I look like nothing.
But she inspires me. I just want to help her as much as I can
Terrified I am leading her down the wrong road.
For years I have been praying for her to wake up and realize she could do so much better
But who the hell am I to tell someone who is good enough for someone else?
God knows I have no right to judge anyone.
I’m human and I fuck up
So does everyone else.
I just know in my heart that maybe he would never stray but that’s not a good enough reason to stay. If that were all that was wrong with the situation, I wouldn’t tell her to walk out because of that.
It’s just the years of fucked up interactions that I can’t believe she would ever tolerate that makes me want her to run fast and far.
All I have to compare it with is ryan.
And I don’t know how well I can do that anymore.
My heart no longer hurts for him.
It took almost 4 years for the ache to quiet
It took 6 to not feel anything anymore.
What I have now is better than that could have ever been.
And I want her to find that too.
All the shit we went through was just stupid.
But it’s all made me realize just how lucky I really am.
And I could have lost it all.
I wont run that risk ever again.
I’ve never been so committed
And as luck would have it the man I married despite his flaws, which are irritating
I have a great guy.
She loves him because she knows he’s good to me good for me.
I want to be able to say the same about her guy.
I hope I can help her through this because I hate that she has to go through it
I remember the pain and my god it is blindsiding.
I haven’t told her how long it took me to get to this point,
I don’t think it will take her as long.
But it will take a lot of time either way.
At least I’ll be able to be there for her more.
Now she will live even closer to me.
So at least I can help her through it.
Though school will keep us busy I already told her she is more than welcome to do stuff with me and chase. Come over and go swimming in the pool. I plan on spending every free second with him outside doing something this summer. We are NOT sitting in that house.
I hope she takes me up on it.
The official count down began 20 days ago it is now down to 12 until chris comes home.
I can’t wait.
I do not look forward to the hectic craziness but in a way I do.
I can’t wait to feel like a family again.
I can’t wait for my partner to come home
I am not myself without him.
I do things and I just don’t want to, it feels wrong.
I don’t know how to act or what to say
I guess when I am with his friends and family I can take turns with him
I can always talk to him
I have the tendency to say things I shouldnt and he saves me from that.
I also have more to say when he’s home
I haven’t really had much to say to anyone
With the exception of Melissa and chris I haven’t talked much to anyone.
I feel so disjointed.
It's very disorienting
I just have to adjust I guess.
It’s not going to be easy
My sleep pattern needs to desperately change.
Chase has started waking me up at 7:30 which is good
We’ll be getting up much earlier soon.
I’ll have to drop him off and head to school.
Then of course once I move I’ll be going another 20 min out of my way
I am pretty much going back to work without getting paid.
Instead I pay to go there.
It sounds stupid really but if there is even half a slice of a chance at getting a job I actually enjoy in an office with windows and opportunities then I want it.
If not I’ll end up with something like woodcock again and I may have to settle with that for a little while.
I just don’t see my life going that way.
I can’t do it..
I won’t do it.
I believe chris and I are headed for better things I really do.
It’s going to take a lot of team work.
It makes me wonder what it’ll be like when he gets home.
What an adjustment it will be for both of us.
And hopefully it goes well.
I’m scared
Of a lot of things
I try not to think about them
I don’t give myself enough time
But at night when I try to sleep I lie awake eyes closed my brain fully active.
I’m working out a way to shut it off, I guess dealing with it is the best way.
I haven’t really talked it out yet.
I don’t want to.
I can’t do anything about it until it all happens.
I feel like I am at a stand still at the moment and nothing starts til January.
He leaves and I start packing
Holidays are over thank god
School is breaking for three weeks and I get a storage space and start this process.
75 $ a month Melissa said
I have yet to look into it. No money at the moment no idea what size I need.
I’ll be getting a sitter for a day or two to get shit done. It’s the only way to do it.
Pack what I can at night and move shit during the day.
I’m already eyeballing shit I can move.
I of course need my parents to get their asses in gear and they are waiting until after the holidays. I can’t start shit and I hate it.
This is going to be a nightmare I have shit blocking his closet no where to put it… Ugh who loves Christmas? Not me… extra shit I have to do and I don’t want to.