(no subject)
Okay well again...ton's has happened since I last updated, I had my second meeting about the park plan idea thing, basically it went better than I could have dreamed, I had no nerves, no worries...my completed business plan was laid out around the conference table when everyone arrived, they went nuts over it, loved it!...the plan is now backed by three councillor's(four once I bag the mayor...and it will happen) I held a meeting (me!! held a meeting!!) everyone at the meeting was demanding my attention and my ideas and it felt amazing! Important people, and I was the centre of it all, I got more praise in that hour than in half of my entire life!! all cos I took it upon myself to change things and its so hard to believe how much of a difference I am making and so quickly, important people want to hear what I have to say...and repect me and I respect them and now...well, I couldnt turn my back on this even if I wanted to, I am gonna be in the paper, on the radio and thats just now!! when the plan isnt even well known!! I have people making huge sized copies of my design, making calls, calling meetings and I love it!!
The greatest thing is that right now...I never have to prove anything to anyone, people trust me, respect me, like me, John adores me, my family are close...Jamie and I are more close than I ever even hoped we would be, I think we finally get each other, and that makes me so so happy! ( i <3 my brother) My friends are constantly around me, I'm talking GROUPS of friends too, at my house, laughing with me
Some part of me feel's so in control for maybe the first time ever, and the other thinks 'shit I cant take on all this' I actually have to check my diary every day to know all the stuff I have on! I am now enrolled in 9 courses, some are one day some are 12 weeks, I'm doing everything and somehow managing to please everyone... I contantly feel like I MUST be forgetting something I worry that any moment I could let it all slip away, but then seconds later I know I wont because something snapped in me...I became someone different, maybe I became the me I always wanted to be, maybe I just lucked out but I dont give a shit quite frankly, this overwhelming motivation is over taking me
Sometimes........I miss the happiness I felt in the past, and I dont just mean recent relationships that ended, I mean everything....I mean I am suddenely transported somewhere else, with someone else and its happy, and it hurts when I come back here and I dont want to...but then I do and Im glad....I saw Zack today, he was my boyfriend when I was seventeen, we were totally in love, even lived together for 4 months, then it went to shit, I was devastated but I got over it, but when I saw him, ...I missed him, then I backed up and thought....no, I dont miss him, I miss everyone that I have been close to that somehow slipped away, whether it was my fault or their's it has always been beyond my comprehension how people can go from being EVERYTHING to each other, to nothing…it’s beyond me,I dont think I had properly accepted alot of things in my past because this time I felt like I was grieving for many different things, many lost moments, lost hopes and lost relationships, romantic or not...I never took proper time to deal with things, just tried to throw myself in to something new, but this time the fall was much greater and i found myself having to deal with alot of different crazy muddled feelings, but i think I'm letting go of the past fully now...maybe its what was holding me back all along, who knows but I feel alot lighter, well anyway something I have learnt is to realise when I am wrong, when I push too hard…at others and myself
Anyway on happier notes Valentines day was awesome! I have always hated the day, thought it was a commercial pile of bullshit that pressured couples and made single people feel like shit but this time it was really relaxed, John didn’t try to wow me with gifts although its his style usually…he got me a single red rose and it meant the world to me, we went to see meet the fokers it was hilarious, after we raced around to asda in Hull for plenty of wine, and the day ended with me getting a massage, damn it felt good. Had a gathering the other night, John, Paul, Benji, Matt and Rach, it was a seriously fun night!! We all got pretty fucked up…in a good way.
Lots of shit is going on right now to do with my health that I would rather ignore, but I know I cant…I am becoming less able physically by the day and sometimes I feel frightened but other times I think ‘haha this shit wont beat me!!!!
The greatest thing is that right now...I never have to prove anything to anyone, people trust me, respect me, like me, John adores me, my family are close...Jamie and I are more close than I ever even hoped we would be, I think we finally get each other, and that makes me so so happy! ( i <3 my brother) My friends are constantly around me, I'm talking GROUPS of friends too, at my house, laughing with me
Some part of me feel's so in control for maybe the first time ever, and the other thinks 'shit I cant take on all this' I actually have to check my diary every day to know all the stuff I have on! I am now enrolled in 9 courses, some are one day some are 12 weeks, I'm doing everything and somehow managing to please everyone... I contantly feel like I MUST be forgetting something I worry that any moment I could let it all slip away, but then seconds later I know I wont because something snapped in me...I became someone different, maybe I became the me I always wanted to be, maybe I just lucked out but I dont give a shit quite frankly, this overwhelming motivation is over taking me
Sometimes........I miss the happiness I felt in the past, and I dont just mean recent relationships that ended, I mean everything....I mean I am suddenely transported somewhere else, with someone else and its happy, and it hurts when I come back here and I dont want to...but then I do and Im glad....I saw Zack today, he was my boyfriend when I was seventeen, we were totally in love, even lived together for 4 months, then it went to shit, I was devastated but I got over it, but when I saw him, ...I missed him, then I backed up and thought....no, I dont miss him, I miss everyone that I have been close to that somehow slipped away, whether it was my fault or their's it has always been beyond my comprehension how people can go from being EVERYTHING to each other, to nothing…it’s beyond me,I dont think I had properly accepted alot of things in my past because this time I felt like I was grieving for many different things, many lost moments, lost hopes and lost relationships, romantic or not...I never took proper time to deal with things, just tried to throw myself in to something new, but this time the fall was much greater and i found myself having to deal with alot of different crazy muddled feelings, but i think I'm letting go of the past fully now...maybe its what was holding me back all along, who knows but I feel alot lighter, well anyway something I have learnt is to realise when I am wrong, when I push too hard…at others and myself
Anyway on happier notes Valentines day was awesome! I have always hated the day, thought it was a commercial pile of bullshit that pressured couples and made single people feel like shit but this time it was really relaxed, John didn’t try to wow me with gifts although its his style usually…he got me a single red rose and it meant the world to me, we went to see meet the fokers it was hilarious, after we raced around to asda in Hull for plenty of wine, and the day ended with me getting a massage, damn it felt good. Had a gathering the other night, John, Paul, Benji, Matt and Rach, it was a seriously fun night!! We all got pretty fucked up…in a good way.
Lots of shit is going on right now to do with my health that I would rather ignore, but I know I cant…I am becoming less able physically by the day and sometimes I feel frightened but other times I think ‘haha this shit wont beat me!!!!