Is there a psychiatrist in the house?
It's 4:47am right now and I'm still awake when I have to get up for work in 6 hours. I did something tonight that I wish I didn't do. I searched every possible thing I could think of as far as Erik goes. I found out some interesting and rather disturbing aspects that have really taken a physical toll on me. Due to the lack of sleep I'm currently depriving myself of and this overwhelming sense of emotion, I'm a real fucking nervous wreck right now and it's even difficult to type with my hands shaking like this. It's 7 months since I've last spoken to him and I still can't go a day without thinking about it him one way or another. Normally, it doesn't bother me, and I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep causing my inevitable meltdown, or if other days, I'm just better at ignoring it. Why did I love him so much? Why did I do the things I did? Why were we the way we were? I'm so angry and so confused and I can't do anything fucking about it! I hate my life right now and if I don't get some sleep soon, I'm going to call into work. I feel like utter shit right now. I don't want to sleep, I can't cry, and I'm so effing stressed out right now, I could die. I need help. Therapeutic help. Mental help. I need someone not involved in my life to hear my story and medicate me heavily. I'm calling every place I can in the morning. If I stay awake, then I'll do it at 8 or 9am, or if I sleep, then I'll do it whenever I wake up. I'm fairly sure I'll call-in in the morning, I don't know that I can handle that already intolerable cruelty of my juvenile co-workers... God, I'm sick.