You can't do this, Megan. You were supposed to forget about me like I was supposed to forget about you, and now look at us -- you're apologizing after all this time and I actually found it. Look at what we've become. I don't know what I am supposed to do here and I'm beginning to wish I had never found it.
What do you expect me to say? That I forgive you? I don't know if I can, to be honest. We had our second chance at friendship and it failed miserably, why put ourselves through that again? You hurt me more than I could even imagine possible, and I'm not about to let that happen again.
If you've lied before, then how can I know if you are telling the truth now? I never lied to you about anything, but you accused me of being a liar numerous times. How do I know if this will happen again or not?
If you were jealous, I hope you know that you shouldn't have been. You could have had me if you wanted, but apparently you didn't, or so you told me, or was that a lie as well? You always pulled away when I was close, or am I just somehow remembering things differently?
Um, hello, you broke up with me. If you were so hurt about it, then why did you do it in the first place? If you believe that I wasn't hurt, then there is seriously something wrong with you. You broke me into pieces even before we actually broke up and then you tried to put me back together before I was ready, so I turned cold and pulled away. You didn't let me heal before you started accusing me of things or trying to be my best friend and I wasn't ready for that at that time. But I cared more about you than myself for a long time. Not anymore.
I'm strong enough to admit to you that you broke my heart, and that you left a deep wound upon myself. But. I'm also strong enough today to tell you that I have healed, I have moved on, and that scars of old have turned into lessons of new. When you hurt me, you taught me more than anyone else, and for that I am grateful. I understand life more, I understand love more, I understand myself more because you tossed me aside.
I never hated you either, but now that means nothing. I was so angry with you because of what you had done, but I let that pass over me and settled into a stage of apathy toward you, and have been in that stage for a long time until you tore me out with this.
I guess I am not so confused and torn after all. I can't accept your apology, that wouldn't do either of us any good. I don't want you back in my life, I don't think that is fair. We have too much negative history that covers up the positive.
I loved you too, but you took that for granted and now you're nothing but a memory to me. I loved the old you, not the person who now who I can't even understand, which is why I've said what I've said.
I'm not sorry, I don't believe I have anything to be sorry for.
I don't expect you to forgive me, that's okay. I compleately understand if you can't trust me, I was messed up, I'm seeking help, I'm working on it.
I just can't hold things like this inside me anymore, so I guess you could say I confessed all this to you for some selfish sense of closure. I am sorry that I shattered the closure you had found but all this time you and I have been so far away I have been miserable. I havent been able to date anyone since I broke up with you because I've been so messed up about it and yes I do remember that it was me that broke up with you. I had reasons... not to say it was the right thing to do.
You have every right to not forgive me, and you have no reason to apologize. I am just trying to get rid of the self inflicted wounds on my own heart. I honestly thought you had lied to me but I found out recently it wasn't you who lied. Another person confessed to me that they had lied.
I was pulling away from you because I was afraid, and that is where I was wrong.
I don't expect anything from you, I leave that in your hands. Why would I put myself through this you ask? Because you were the single person who I cared about the most in the world and when I read that you thought I was cynical it ripped me in half. I had never even considered that you had any complaints about me and when I found that you did It hurt me alot. it hurt my pride but as I said before I overreacted far too strongly. I should have talked to you instead of letting it fester and grow inside me until I suffocated.
I'm glad that you were able to move on, it's some consolaton I suppose. All I wanted to know is how you felt about me and you have provided me with that. Now that I have absolute proof that I mean nothing to you, that all I am is a memory and nothing more, that you'll never come back... Perhaps I can move on too.
I'm sorry I had to hurt you again for my own selfishness but when all you do is spend your time holding on to memories, faint hopes and old trinkets. Writing poetry, letters you'll never send, and dreaming about someone you lost you have to do something, otherwise you'll just waste away.
What do you expect me to say? That I forgive you? I don't know if I can, to be honest. We had our second chance at friendship and it failed miserably, why put ourselves through that again? You hurt me more than I could even imagine possible, and I'm not about to let that happen again.
If you've lied before, then how can I know if you are telling the truth now? I never lied to you about anything, but you accused me of being a liar numerous times. How do I know if this will happen again or not?
If you were jealous, I hope you know that you shouldn't have been. You could have had me if you wanted, but apparently you didn't, or so you told me, or was that a lie as well? You always pulled away when I was close, or am I just somehow remembering things differently?
Um, hello, you broke up with me. If you were so hurt about it, then why did you do it in the first place? If you believe that I wasn't hurt, then there is seriously something wrong with you. You broke me into pieces even before we actually broke up and then you tried to put me back together before I was ready, so I turned cold and pulled away. You didn't let me heal before you started accusing me of things or trying to be my best friend and I wasn't ready for that at that time. But I cared more about you than myself for a long time. Not anymore.
I'm strong enough to admit to you that you broke my heart, and that you left a deep wound upon myself. But. I'm also strong enough today to tell you that I have healed, I have moved on, and that scars of old have turned into lessons of new. When you hurt me, you taught me more than anyone else, and for that I am grateful. I understand life more, I understand love more, I understand myself more because you tossed me aside.
I never hated you either, but now that means nothing. I was so angry with you because of what you had done, but I let that pass over me and settled into a stage of apathy toward you, and have been in that stage for a long time until you tore me out with this.
I guess I am not so confused and torn after all. I can't accept your apology, that wouldn't do either of us any good. I don't want you back in my life, I don't think that is fair. We have too much negative history that covers up the positive.
I loved you too, but you took that for granted and now you're nothing but a memory to me. I loved the old you, not the person who now who I can't even understand, which is why I've said what I've said.
I'm not sorry, I don't believe I have anything to be sorry for.
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I just can't hold things like this inside me anymore, so I guess you could say I confessed all this to you for some selfish sense of closure. I am sorry that I shattered the closure you had found but all this time you and I have been so far away I have been miserable. I havent been able to date anyone since I broke up with you because I've been so messed up about it and yes I do remember that it was me that broke up with you. I had reasons... not to say it was the right thing to do.
You have every right to not forgive me, and you have no reason to apologize. I am just trying to get rid of the self inflicted wounds on my own heart. I honestly thought you had lied to me but I found out recently it wasn't you who lied. Another person confessed to me that they had lied.
I was pulling away from you because I was afraid, and that is where I was wrong.
I don't expect anything from you, I leave that in your hands.
Why would I put myself through this you ask?
Because you were the single person who I cared about the most in the world and when I read that you thought I was cynical it ripped me in half. I had never even considered that you had any complaints about me and when I found that you did It hurt me alot. it hurt my pride but as I said before I overreacted far too strongly. I should have talked to you instead of letting it fester and grow inside me until I suffocated.
I'm glad that you were able to move on, it's some consolaton I suppose.
All I wanted to know is how you felt about me and you have provided me with that. Now that I have absolute proof that I mean nothing to you, that all I am is a memory and nothing more, that you'll never come back... Perhaps I can move on too.
I'm sorry I had to hurt you again for my own selfishness but when all you do is spend your time holding on to memories, faint hopes and old trinkets. Writing poetry, letters you'll never send, and dreaming about someone you lost you have to do something, otherwise you'll just waste away.
Reply
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