Things I didn't say that I should have
First, I would like to say that you, in no way, have shown me any of your “Christian” values, and in fact have pushed me farther away from the church than I’ve ever been. Solely because of you, I hope to never set foot in a church again, nor will I want to associate myself with “Christians” like you again
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Before that, any "looks" you got were because I, nor anyone else, knew what the hell was going on with you. The looks were looks of confusion and concern. You stopped speaking to us, whether in the house or in public. You stopped associating yourself with us, the people that you once swore that you loved... whose friendship was very precious to you, were shut out of your life. Shutting yourself up in your room is NOT a way to be understood. How was I supposed to know what was going on with you when you admitted (above) that things that you told were lies? How were we supposed to be able to understand and appreciate the magnitude of the "struggles" you faced if you didn't say a damn thing to any of us that were within arms' reach of you?
I don't understand you anymore, Dave. Maybe if I did understand (or if I ever truly understood), maybe if you talked to me or any of us, maybe if I felt like I was being told the complete truth, I could understand.
I wish things could have ended more civilly. I wish things were different for all of us involved.
We all struggle. We all fall. Whether or not we rise up again is our choice. We complain about money, time, posessions, relationships, etc... when in all actuality we have the most blessings. We are alive. We have food to eat and clothing on our backs. We are all vastly different people but we all share a commond bond. We are all in this race, this fight to the finish. We can either run together, in the same direction, towards our goals, or we can crouch down and let everyone trample us. I've watched you fall and lay blame for all of your troubles on others. Your parents, your siblings, your roommates, your employers, your friends, and your financial insitution. Intead of laying blame, accept the responsibility and rise above the person that you seem to have become.
Rise up and run, Dave. We may never, ever meet again, and that's fine... but know what you have much more potential and more character than you allow yourself to have.
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As for an ambush, was it as much an ambush as 4 days notice that Angie wasn't paying her bills despite telling me she was two weeks earlier? Because from what I can recall, Aimee got most of the month's notice that I wouldn't be staying. I believe she found out on the 5th or so. Angie still never told me that she wouldn't be paying her part...I found out from Aimee, so what's the difference that she found out from Ray? If it was that kind of an ambush, I have as much pity for her as she had for me.
As for scaring her with my return call, how about her first call to begin with. At work at 8 o'clock, getting a call saying not only is all of your stuff moved, but your key won't work in the lock when you get home. Yeah, that's not an ambush, and it's definitely not scary...especially when you have absolutely no where to go. How would you feel if you got a call in the middle of class letting you know that you no longer had a home? Is that scary for ya?
As for the water being cut off, Aimee confirmed in her journal, it wasn't supposed to be cut until the 21st. I have no idea why it was cut on the 15th. I planned on telling Aimee that weekend, so she or Ray or whoever still had time to put it in their name or do whatever they saw fit. It was a shock to me that it was turned off, too.
The only lie I told was about my father taking money out of my account. That was told while I was under the impression we were friends, and she would see that I was having trouble meeting the extra expenses with short notice. It was so that I wouldn't appear to be attacking anyone, but that didn't change the treatment. The notes kept coming, the blame kept coming, the accusations kept coming. It was fairly obvious to me at this point that not only was it "Aimee's" house, whether my name was on the lease or not, but that the sooner I was gone, the better off we'd be. She never intended on letting me have the garage, that was a false promise. And when she moved the cats into that last bedroom and then blamed me for something they did while in there, I had to leave.
As for not telling people my problems, if that's true, then how come everyone sees me blaming all my problems on others? If you can see me blaming my problems on others, than you can see the problems I'm having.
I did not intend any of this to go this way. I just wanted out, and I wanted out quietly. Aimee's tricks of turning on all the lights, and turning the A/C down to mid-60's, I even took without saying a word. I didn't pull any tricks on her, I didn't try and "get her back" in any way. I haven't called her names or tried to ruin her name with others. I wasn't even going to write about it in this journal. I will only take so much slander, but if she doesn't say anything, I won't either. That's how I wanted to leave it.
I don't know what I have potential for...and maybe when I figure that out, I can rise up and run...until then, I'm just trying to stay out of everyone's way.
And for the record, I want you to hear this from me: I was never using you. I enjoyed the time we spent together, and I don't regret a single second of it. I told you that the smoking was a deal breaker. I meant it, and that's why I initially pulled away. I wasn't going to commit into anything while you were still smoking...in the interim you met Jordan and moved on. I don't regret it, and I don't look at it as a missed opportunity for me. It is what it is. If you ever felt used, I'm sorry. That was not my intention, and until Aimee said that, I had never even thought of it that way.
Staying in that house was not a good place for me, and from what I've read, Aimee is ten times better off without me around, so if you want a silver lining, there it is. I know she's angry, so I can stand some of the name calling and what not, but as I said, if she doesn't say anything, neither will I.
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