Thesis, academia, jobs, graduation.
Today I met with my thesis advisor to go over my latest draft, where I thought I FINALLY had some kind of argument. It thoroughly depressed me. He made his little “Hmmmm” noise at the beginning, which means that he has reservations (Me: “That’s not a good sound, is it?”) and started pointing out flaws in what I thought was a good argument. I guess that means he’s a good advisor, but it’s damn difficult because the thesis is due in a month and I feel like I’m spinning again just when I thought I was on the beginnings of solid ground. I'll see what my second reader thinks, but I'm sort of freaking out because it's due in just over a month. I need to get myself going (he asked "So, have you done any new work over the break?" "Um...").
But skipping boring lectures about Ulysses (I'm only in that class for the Woolf, obviously, and the professor isn't the world's best lecturer. Rather disappointing for my last class at Berkeley) to meet with Professor Picciotto to ask for a letter of recommendation really, really helped boost my general confidence, if not that of the thesis. She said she would be delighted to write me a letter and asked about my plans. When I said that I’d really like to stay at Berkeley, she actually said, “Really? I’d love, love, love for you to stay at Berkeley.” I know she’s effusive with everyone, but what a compliment anyway. And she will write me a killer letter, I know. I wish I could read it, but I have to waive my right to that. Maybe I can read it after I get in somewhere, just for a confidence boost. She did say some things that give me pause about grad school (“I can’t imagine doing anything else, but it has made me miserable some times”), and said “Welcome to the clan [of misery]” before I left. We had a lovely conversation about my love for Woolf and just general grad school questions and it was delightful. I miss her class. I love her. I want to be her. Or, you know, just acquire a tenth of her brilliance.
The Hours soundtrack is amazing. I just got it from Amoeba for $4.99 and I think it's going to be on permanent repeat for the next month while I write thesis. It's extremely appropriate background music for a Mrs. Dalloway thesis.
I'm looking at grad school websites to put off thinking about thesis. Found out that Maria DiBattista teaches at Princeton, Perry Meisel teaches at NYU, and J. Hillis Miller teaches at UC Irvine (all Woolf scholars I'm drawing on for thesis) so of course I want to apply all of those places immediately. Of course, I'm drawing the most from (and arguing against) David Dowling right now and he's in British Columbia somewhere. I don't think I want to go to Canada. But the thesis must be finished and the job search must (hopefully) yield fruit before I can begin thinking seriously about that (applications are currently up to 28 jobs, and I've heard from 2. Both of which said no). And I graduate in six weeks and it's freaking me the fuck out. I'm sure I'll rant more on these things later, as always.
-Sarah