So my musings..
I've been inspired! A friend of mine is working on bettering herself. I want to do that too. With all the positive that has been going on in our lives as of late I notice myself looking at the negative in myself and hating what I see. I don't like the person in the mirror -- I'm closer every day to a weight I swore I would never allow. I hate how I look period (clothed or not, I'm horrid). I see all these things I want and I see how others see me and I can't help but want to escape into my cave like I did years ago. My senior year of high school I was about 225. I managed to get down to a size 18. That was an achievement for me, because when I was in high school I was in NJROTC. The female's uniforms (yes we had different uniforms) only went to a size 18. After that I was in men's. When I finally got my women's uniform back I was so proud of myself.
Now I notice that as a teacher I set a shit-poor example for the kids I teach. It was cute the first time a kid asked me why my belly was so big. Now, its not so cute. Now I realize that from the mouths of babes come the truth of innocence. I want to be a size 18 again. I know how to do it. So why is it so damned hard! When I was at my smallest I was working out at least an hour a day, two on Tuesdays (ROTC physical training day; we ran the mile, did jumping jacks, did push ups and sit ups, it was great). I was usually eating chef salads or two rolls, ranch, and a shake if I was in the mood for something else. I didn't have time to drink soda or snack on junk food (except when we did candy fund raisers, then i was screwed :P). I also walked everywhere, from one end of campus to the other at least twice a day, and worked in jobs that had me doing physical labor all day.
What am I doing currently? Sitting on the steps of a playground when the kids are outside, when I should be interacting with them per my job description. I eat whatever they eat, usually, and then when I get a lunch break if I have money I go buy something really yummy for lunch. In a sense I get two lunches a day. I used to eat three squares a day, now I just eat two lunches. I should drink water. The water at school tastes funny so I like bottled water, which is expensive. That's also only if I remember to get it when I'm shopping. I use everything as an excuse as to why I can't loose weight. In reality the problem is me. I'm a lazy punk.
I want to stop being lazy. I want to stop setting the alarm back an hour when it goes off because I can sleep that late and still make it to work on time. I want to get up about six, have a light breakfast, and relax before work. I want to have homemade lunches that I take before hand and not that I buy on a whim depending on how bad traffic is and what side of the road I'm on. I want to be more active. I want to stop dreaming of the next big diet pill or crash diet that will give me instant gratification.
I'm inspired. I feel like going to the store and getting stuff to make myself a chef's salad for lunches. I'm gonna reset my alarm for six. I think those are good first steps to take.
Now I notice that as a teacher I set a shit-poor example for the kids I teach. It was cute the first time a kid asked me why my belly was so big. Now, its not so cute. Now I realize that from the mouths of babes come the truth of innocence. I want to be a size 18 again. I know how to do it. So why is it so damned hard! When I was at my smallest I was working out at least an hour a day, two on Tuesdays (ROTC physical training day; we ran the mile, did jumping jacks, did push ups and sit ups, it was great). I was usually eating chef salads or two rolls, ranch, and a shake if I was in the mood for something else. I didn't have time to drink soda or snack on junk food (except when we did candy fund raisers, then i was screwed :P). I also walked everywhere, from one end of campus to the other at least twice a day, and worked in jobs that had me doing physical labor all day.
What am I doing currently? Sitting on the steps of a playground when the kids are outside, when I should be interacting with them per my job description. I eat whatever they eat, usually, and then when I get a lunch break if I have money I go buy something really yummy for lunch. In a sense I get two lunches a day. I used to eat three squares a day, now I just eat two lunches. I should drink water. The water at school tastes funny so I like bottled water, which is expensive. That's also only if I remember to get it when I'm shopping. I use everything as an excuse as to why I can't loose weight. In reality the problem is me. I'm a lazy punk.
I want to stop being lazy. I want to stop setting the alarm back an hour when it goes off because I can sleep that late and still make it to work on time. I want to get up about six, have a light breakfast, and relax before work. I want to have homemade lunches that I take before hand and not that I buy on a whim depending on how bad traffic is and what side of the road I'm on. I want to be more active. I want to stop dreaming of the next big diet pill or crash diet that will give me instant gratification.
I'm inspired. I feel like going to the store and getting stuff to make myself a chef's salad for lunches. I'm gonna reset my alarm for six. I think those are good first steps to take.