Fic: Death Has Had Too Many Near James T. Kirk Experiences [Star Trek/Discworld]

[jade_dragoness]

Title: Death Has Had Too Many Near James T. Kirk Experiences and One Time It Wasn’t Near at All
Author: J.D. aka jade_dragoness
Rating: PG
Pairing: none really, maybe Death/Jim if you squint.
Spoilers: Star Trek IX
Summary: Death really hates Quantum.
Word Count: 1,055
Disclaimer: Never ever will be mine. *sadness*
A/N: Having injured myself in a silly way [pulled neck muscles really hurt]. I was rereading 'Reaper Man' which meant that I wasn't able to resist using him. So for cliche_bingo square #14 - Crossover: Books
Feedback is hugely welcomed.
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AO3 Link: here
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ONE - The Aborted Suicide

Death wasn’t used to collecting suicides. Usually they had a pretty good idea what was coming next and his showing up to reap their souls was a superfluous waste of his time. 1

Still it was very startling to show up in time to see a blond boy, little more than twelve years old pressing the pedal of an old metal carriage, the kind that didn’t come with horses and choose at the last minute to save himself.

It made Death out pull out the sand timer to squint at it. 2

The sand of James Tiberius Kirk’s life was back to filling the upper bulb of the timer.

COME ON BINKY, said Death. ANOTHER WASTED TRIP.

Death sighed as Binky trotted to their next assignment.

I REALLY AM BECOMING QUITE ANNOYED WITH THIS QUANTUM BUSINESS.

-1- Not that he was subject to time in any way it was just that even a personification found it embarrassing to show up and find the soul was already gone.*
* Really the last thing one wanted was the reminder that maybe you weren’t actually needed.
-2- As much as a skull’s sockets could squint which wasn’t that much.
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THREE - The Nasty Bar Fight

Death ignored how Death of Rats was sniffing at a bowl of bar nuts.

I WILL HAVE THE JOLLY GOOD TIME ON THE BEACH.

The bartender blinked rapidly and slowly nodded. The sound of Death’s voice made him want to run the other way. At least until he saw the thick silver coin that Death put upon the barstool. 3

The bartender quickly put it out of sight. 4

Death turned to see a blond young man laugh and mock the three burly men. He pulled out the timer again, and as the first punch landed on the laughing blond, the sand poured faster into the bottom bulb.

Death absently lifted his drink and then set it back onto the bar before he lifted his scythe. Only a surprising sharp whistle pierced the air bringing everyone and even the sand to a standstill. 5

Death of Rats startled enough to fall into the bowl of nuts with a happy SQUEAK.

OH, NOT AGAIN, said Death. He tapped the upper bulb that was rapidly refilling with a click of bone on glass. Then he sighed.

SQUEAK, said Death of Rats, sympathetically.

YES. IT APPEARS THAT QUANTUM HAS HAD ITS SAY AGAIN. 6

-3- It had a skull and crossbones motif that made it look more like pirate treasure than anything else.
-4- The bartender ended up trading the coin for enough credits to end up at a dilithium mining planet where he became so rich that he ended up buying it back from the collector-*
-*he still had it on him when Death came around. He then gave it to Death as a tip.-**
-**which just goes to show that what goes around really does come around.
-5- The air wasn’t particularly happy about being pierced but since it was air, and not a personification, it had no one to complain to.
-6- Death was already keeping an eye on the Quantum timer.

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TEN- The Angry Vulcan

Death watched with interest a sight that hadn’t been seen in several hundred years.- 7

A Vulcan being spectacularly and intensely emotional.

The sound of breaking glass from the console where James Tiberius Kirk was smashed into reminded him to pull out the timer from his robes. He was watching the sand more than he was watching the fight. So he saw exactly when the sand stopped dropping so quickly.

“Spock!” said Sarek.

Death sighed again.

THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME I HAVE HAD TO SHOW UP FOR HIM TODAY. AND THE DAY IS NOT YET OVER.- 8

WELL BLINKY, SINCE WE’VE COME THIS FAR WE MIGHT AS WELL TAKE THE SCENEIC ROUTE BACK.

-7- He could give you a the exact time and place since he had been there for the event but it wasn’t nearly as interesting as you would think.
-8- Since having to go all the way to Delta Vega, Death had taken to carrying the Quantum timer with him to give it an shake every time he had to return to visiting James T. Kirk.
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+ONE -

I REALLY WOULD RATHER JUST COLLECT SC-THSC -, Death gave up, SPOCK AND GET ON WITH IT.- 9

“And I‘m not letting you take him without fight,” said Jim, his arms crossing his chest as he glared hotly at Death.

I DO NOT FIGHT, said Death.- 10

“Well, buddy, I‘m certainly not going to just let Spock die,” said Jim. Then his voice softened, “so I‘m not moving away. Bones just needs more time. Please.”

Death considered the stubbornness of one James Tiberius Kirk.- 11 Then he pulled out the timer with Spock’s name on it. He tapped the glass and then considered it. There was no reason why he couldn’t make quantum work on his side for once.

YOU COULD SHARE YOUR TIME WITH HIM.

“Yes. I‘ll do it. Give him some of my time,” said Jim.

YOU WILL HAVE TO DO IT. I CANNOT TOUCH YOUR TIME.

“How?” demanded Jim.

YOU KNOW.

Jim considered and then nodded. He closed his eyes and focused.

Death watched the upper bulb of Spock’s timer began to gain sand. It poured into existence right inside the bulb keeping the level from dropping to nothing.

After several minutes sounds of relief came from the medical bay.

The sand in Spock’s timer abruptly began filling up.

ENOUGH, said Death.

Jim opened his eyes and blinked rapidly. He tilted his head to listen to McCoy’s voice being gruff with sarcasm and delight. And smiled widely.

He then leaned up and kissed Death firmly on a bony cheeky.

Death tucked away the timer and was grateful that bone did not blush.

Jim spun away and ran back into the medical bay.

QUANTUM MAY HAVE SOME BENEFITS, Death admitted to Binky.- 12 Then he rode off to his next appointment certain that it would not be the last time he had a near Kirk experience.

-9- Even Death found it hard to pronounce that name. He was a personification of human death after all.
-10- This was not exactly true. His fights were just a lot more on the metaphysical level than old-fashioned fisticuffs.
-11- It was hardly an idle threat. The unmovable object would have taken one look at Kirk’s face and hastily moved out of the way.
-12- But quietly. In case it was listening.

END

a/n: Death is too cool for me not to use. Oh, I adore Discworld so much.