A long ride home.
A very long ride home. However, tonight, preride home, I shall describe to you first. So, we went cosmo bowling, and I lost miserably both times. Not to say it wasn't fun, at least I got my caffeine fix. Thats about all we did though, because Teddy, Beth's dear adorable dog is not doing well. So we went home, to little bluffingtonvillecrest and then meredith and i drove about for a bit. I hadn't been having a fantastic night, and she asked what was on my mind.
Well, meredith, now you know how truly, whats the word I'm looking for...stalkerish, strange, lame lame lame I am. Ok, so we only talked about one subject the whole time and I feel absolutely young and stupid right now. At least you understood to a further point than anyone else I've talked to with about that subject. Oh wait, I haven't talked to anyone else about it. All my previous posts must now make a little more sense right now.
I am like a goldfish. I only focus on one main thing/subject in my life at a time. That current subject is a sad thing that I don't think I can ever comprehend or be a part of in this life. I hate knowing I care more and such things are not returned. (note to all others than meredith, this is a continuation of our conversation and is hard to follow. Don't get paranoid about this. Its a way way way different subject!) I feel so young and just stupid. Yeah, its bash me day. I need to bash me in this post, because its been back in my mind for a few months now. I need to blame myself for not being even able to change or even nudge the way things are going in a different path. I have no control. I am on the outside looking in through a pinprick of life. A life that is not mine, although I wish to be a part of it, even a small sliver of part.
I'm like a student in the back of class room of a 120 other taller smarter older kids, raising and franticly shaking my hand wanting to be called on to give an answer, but the teacher doesn't give a damn.
I can't ever be involved in something like that. If I say anything, I'll only be a part of it from pity. I don't fecking need pity. I am the only one allowed to fecking pity me.
I crave the depth of this subject like a person in a desert who stumles accrost a full well. But 50 other people live off that well also in that desert, and its theirs to use, not mine. I have no right to come in after but a few months. I have no right to make jugdements, concerns, no right to say that I care so far to say I love. I love. What does that even mean? Every 20 minutes I wonder about my subject. Little things remind me.
Let me feel stupid. I need to. I feel so damn childish and outside. Young. Unexperienced. A tag along. A bother. A 'why the hell is she here anyway, I don't know her'.
I need to work tomorrow, otherwise this post would be much longer.
Ana
Well, meredith, now you know how truly, whats the word I'm looking for...stalkerish, strange, lame lame lame I am. Ok, so we only talked about one subject the whole time and I feel absolutely young and stupid right now. At least you understood to a further point than anyone else I've talked to with about that subject. Oh wait, I haven't talked to anyone else about it. All my previous posts must now make a little more sense right now.
I am like a goldfish. I only focus on one main thing/subject in my life at a time. That current subject is a sad thing that I don't think I can ever comprehend or be a part of in this life. I hate knowing I care more and such things are not returned. (note to all others than meredith, this is a continuation of our conversation and is hard to follow. Don't get paranoid about this. Its a way way way different subject!) I feel so young and just stupid. Yeah, its bash me day. I need to bash me in this post, because its been back in my mind for a few months now. I need to blame myself for not being even able to change or even nudge the way things are going in a different path. I have no control. I am on the outside looking in through a pinprick of life. A life that is not mine, although I wish to be a part of it, even a small sliver of part.
I'm like a student in the back of class room of a 120 other taller smarter older kids, raising and franticly shaking my hand wanting to be called on to give an answer, but the teacher doesn't give a damn.
I can't ever be involved in something like that. If I say anything, I'll only be a part of it from pity. I don't fecking need pity. I am the only one allowed to fecking pity me.
I crave the depth of this subject like a person in a desert who stumles accrost a full well. But 50 other people live off that well also in that desert, and its theirs to use, not mine. I have no right to come in after but a few months. I have no right to make jugdements, concerns, no right to say that I care so far to say I love. I love. What does that even mean? Every 20 minutes I wonder about my subject. Little things remind me.
Let me feel stupid. I need to. I feel so damn childish and outside. Young. Unexperienced. A tag along. A bother. A 'why the hell is she here anyway, I don't know her'.
I need to work tomorrow, otherwise this post would be much longer.
Ana