this is one of those nights where staying up only does bad things
its friday the 13th! thats an odd way to start a post. maybe since it's been so long i dont know that i need to start with an actual introduction anymore. i'm not sure i'm really keen to the idea of organizing this entry to begin with though.
the reason i'm posting now is because i've been keeping up with christianna's blog, and it brings me back to the idea of putting thoughts down somewhere to reference later. for example there's a post down about two where i was very self-critical on the situation of the relationship i had with kay at the time.
there really is nothing like getting your thoughts down that makes you feel a little bit like someone's listening.
earlier in the post i started going off about how i hadn't expected a role of respect in high school wen i became a senior, and it's an idea that still bothers me today. the idea that i've always favored having someone as my steadfast-sanity reminder. someone that keeps me thinking about the things that are important to me, but is also a major factor in what drives my ambition. the past few weeks, i've had an overwhelming flow of self-ambition occurring, the likes of which haven't happened since last semester (which was a first - ever - for me). it's strange because this has come in a time where i got into a car accident, had my debit card expire and live day-to-day on very little cash, lost my drivers license, and haven't been out past 10 more than once. now, i have a feeling most of this is happening because i've been re-introduced to someone that stimulates my mind with almost every conversation, and almost acts as a catalyst that makes the ambitious part of me wake up.
there's two points i want to make here, and i don't know if they will come out right.
the first is that without any reserve, i absolutely love the idea that there are people out there who can inspire me in such a way that i have a completely different level of motivation and confidence in general. i think it's also helping me realize how i can help other people in return, to deal with similar issues in confidence or uncertainty, and not have an awkward moment overanalyzing how i should respond because of my own problems.
the second point i want to make is that i'm pissed. i'm pissed at me, pissed that it takes a catalyst to turn on what is probably a natural flow of ambition for most people at RPI. thinking back to middle school, i never wanted to do my homework because it was this task that required me to come out of my daydream and scribble down the same thing that every other kid in the class was writing. until this past semester, i'd still had problems finding ambition in projects that i was mentally invested in.
at the moment, i'm bursting with ideas to do - and i'll most likely get a few of them off the ground. at the same time, i really hope that whatever it was that kept me going mentally last semester (was it busyness, always having a schedule of things to keep up with?) keeps up this semester, because she won't always be there for coffee in the middle of the day.
maybe i should get back into the hang of this journal thing.. i'll just keep adding things to the to-do list i guess
the reason i'm posting now is because i've been keeping up with christianna's blog, and it brings me back to the idea of putting thoughts down somewhere to reference later. for example there's a post down about two where i was very self-critical on the situation of the relationship i had with kay at the time.
there really is nothing like getting your thoughts down that makes you feel a little bit like someone's listening.
earlier in the post i started going off about how i hadn't expected a role of respect in high school wen i became a senior, and it's an idea that still bothers me today. the idea that i've always favored having someone as my steadfast-sanity reminder. someone that keeps me thinking about the things that are important to me, but is also a major factor in what drives my ambition. the past few weeks, i've had an overwhelming flow of self-ambition occurring, the likes of which haven't happened since last semester (which was a first - ever - for me). it's strange because this has come in a time where i got into a car accident, had my debit card expire and live day-to-day on very little cash, lost my drivers license, and haven't been out past 10 more than once. now, i have a feeling most of this is happening because i've been re-introduced to someone that stimulates my mind with almost every conversation, and almost acts as a catalyst that makes the ambitious part of me wake up.
there's two points i want to make here, and i don't know if they will come out right.
the first is that without any reserve, i absolutely love the idea that there are people out there who can inspire me in such a way that i have a completely different level of motivation and confidence in general. i think it's also helping me realize how i can help other people in return, to deal with similar issues in confidence or uncertainty, and not have an awkward moment overanalyzing how i should respond because of my own problems.
the second point i want to make is that i'm pissed. i'm pissed at me, pissed that it takes a catalyst to turn on what is probably a natural flow of ambition for most people at RPI. thinking back to middle school, i never wanted to do my homework because it was this task that required me to come out of my daydream and scribble down the same thing that every other kid in the class was writing. until this past semester, i'd still had problems finding ambition in projects that i was mentally invested in.
at the moment, i'm bursting with ideas to do - and i'll most likely get a few of them off the ground. at the same time, i really hope that whatever it was that kept me going mentally last semester (was it busyness, always having a schedule of things to keep up with?) keeps up this semester, because she won't always be there for coffee in the middle of the day.
maybe i should get back into the hang of this journal thing.. i'll just keep adding things to the to-do list i guess