What is the meaning of Christmas to ME?
On Christmas day I got up and Jen had made pancakes and sausages. We ate and then we opened our gifts. I have been told that I am an extremely hard person to buy a gift for. She did her best. I sat on the couch after all the presents were opened feeling like a cheap whore. I felt empty and deflated. I guess this is partly because Christmas does not have the same religious significance to me as it does to other people. I felt like there was no truth in advertising. I did not feel the magical happiness and joy that everyone says I am supposed to feel. I looked at all the presents thinking, I don’t want this stuff…this is a waste of money…we should have donated this money to people who could really use it. Maybe I should help at a soup kitchen? Would that make me feel better? If so, why do people only help out at soup kitchens during the holidays? What about the rest of the year? Do the homeless just go hungry the rest of the year?
I thought about a family that I had never met. A family who my company had adopted because they were needy (actually, my company adopted eight families). My company had asked us to sign up to bring in food for this family’s Christmas dinner. The items requested were so basic! Stove Top stuffing and cranberry sauce! Who does not have enough money to buy that? These families and many others don’t. It really breaks my heart to think about it. Perhaps I feel guilty to have so much….to be so fortunate. What did I do to deserve all this? What is the meaning of Christmas to ME?
I don’t get depressed around other holidays so why do get upset at this one? What makes Christmas different from other holidays or from my birthday (which should be a holiday)? Is it unlike any other day of the year? I guess one reason is that the other national holidays are patriotic in nature and I am a very patriotic person. Christmas on the other hand is a religious holiday and I am not a very religious person.
The problem is, that from Thanksgiving on, there is a large build-up to Christmas - and the build-up seems to be for nothing. I need to do something different next “Christmas Season” and I have 11 months to figure it out.