Anger Management
I had my fourth visit with the psychiatrist today. She asked me if there was anything I was angry about regarding my life. That has me thinking. It takes a lot to get me angry. Most people would describe me as “happy” and “jolly”, but I know that I have a problem with anger management. Yes, it takes a lot to get me angry, but once lit, I have a very short fuse. I can go from zero to rage in no time flat. Let’s take the incident at the airport, I could have walked away from the woman and ignored her, but I didn’t. I got angry to the point of yelling at a baggage screener at the airport. Two weeks ago, a client gave me a lot of shit so I went into my manager’s office and had a total meltdown. Everyone in the office could hear me. I was a bit embarrassed afterwards and apologized after I calmed down. My boss was very understanding (he knows this client can be abusive) and told me not to worry about it.
All I can remember about my childhood is anger, frustration, and depression. By the time I was nine years old, I was responsible for my sister and myself. My parents went to work early, so I would get up and get myself and my sister ready for school, I would cook breakfast (really cook on the stove) for us and walk us both to school. When the day was over, I would walk us back home. Often times my sister would not listen to me and I would get very angry and frustrated. This anger often led to violence. I would either hit my sister or break something in the house. I did not know how to express my anger. I was probably angry at the situation of having to have such responsibility so young but I took it out on my sister.
I was always the kid in school that everyone picked on and beat up. I never learned to fight or defend myself. I was very clumsy and had very poor gross motor skills. Actually that is still the case. I remember walking home from school one afternoon when this guy from my class beat me up pretty badly right in front of my sister. I was hurt so bad that I just laid on the ground in the fetal position for several minutes and cried. I was very angry then. If I was able I would have killed that guy without remorse. Why did he have to pick on me? What did I ever do to him?
Ever since I can remember my mother has told me that I was fat and that no woman would ever want me. She would make me go out regardless of the weather and jog. I have always hated jogging. I just did not want to do it but she would not take no for an answer. I was very angry at her for making me go out there. Most of the time I would go around the corner and sit down for about 20 minutes and the walk back to the house. I would jog only jog when I knew she would see me through the window. I cannot express how angry I would be everyday when she made me go out to jog.
I was also angry at my parents for not being there for me emotionally. The topic of sex or girls was taboo in our house. I had these urges and infatuations which I was not able to discuss or express to my parents. I really needed someone to talk to and I had no one. I would see on the Brady Bunch that they all talked to their parents about the opposite sex, yet I could not. I wanted to live with the Brady Bunch family. I went through so many ups and downs, so many insecurities, that I wished I could have shared with them. All of my relationships were kept secret from my parents. They would not have approved. It was especially hard when Connie broke up with me and I was in bed for weeks suffering from depression. I had no one. They were not there for me. I needed them. But I got back at them. I shut them out of my life and was not there for them when my father died.