lessons learned and feelings hurt
sometimes its just not easy.
balancing the people you love, the people you want to be with, the things you want to do and the things you have to do.
two years ago there was no balancing problem, because there was only one thing to balance. its ironic how sometimes the things that you wish the most for are the things that can end up making your life so complicated.
as i sit here and type this, there is an uncomfortable aim silence between carolyn and i. carolyn is one of my best friends. we got into a fight two weeks ago that really is stupid and never got resolved because i chose to make myself too busy.
two years ago, i didnt have a single friend to my name. meghan was just starting to become a friend.
today, i have all of these people that i really truly love for their individuality, their souls (or lack thereof, in the case of some people). its not easy being popular. and im not saying popular as in, "oh my god! hes like so popular and gets on all these chicks," but more in like the julianne's phone rings and she says "popular."
its come to the point where i can't pay attention to everyone and the balancing act has become a problem. i feel like i neglect carolyn and lauren and other friends, other people even who want to get to know me.
i cant hurt someone or tell someone why i dont like them or something about them that bothers me. i cant come to grips with the fact that i cant seem to ever do what is right. i cant ever see why i have a black heart. i truly am a bad person. and i dont know why. im happy?
we just read a reading in flex that talks about how happiness can not be made with things, happiness can not be made up of anything unless you have virtue. and for a seminar grade of "a" if ashley or evan reads this, i see the author's case right in my own soul. no virue. no true happiness.
sometimes i try to impress my friends. ive learned a long time ago, you dont need to impress your friends, you just need to be yourself. people have been telling me ever since 6th grade to be myself and not the person i act like. its gotten so bad, i dont know myself anymore. my heart and soul, not unlike my lungs, have been covered with a thick layer of tar.... so thick i cant see the real thing that lies underneath.
im afraid. im afraid of being myself, because myself would not be everything that i am today. and i like everything (well, not everything) i am today.
its just hard. as i live life i learn lessons. lessons that dont stick with me. case in point:
the whole lilly ******* issue. i dont have a flying clue who this girl is. i was told she was a bad person and what can i say, took off from there. i blew up and made her a joke. im the bad person. what the fuck? sometimes i dont know why i would ever intentionally try to hurt a person, but i guess i do do it. i guess i thought just because she seemed to have friends, just because she appeared happy, meant that what some little fucker like me says wouldnt effect her. i guess it did. i guess it does. what a person does, what a person says, what a person looks like, what a person's reputation is does not make them a bad person. actually, i gained a lot of respect for lilly throughout whatever happened. shes really nice and really a levelheaded person. maybe i went along with the whole anti-lilly thing because i was intimidated like everyone else. when she sees me, shes so nice. if someone did that to me, i would fucking never accept an apology and just be a total bitch. i dont deserve her courtesy, and yet i recieve it. weird as all hell. i guess thats why i can look up to the girl.
it makes me ashamed to know what i did after people have done the same to me. i used to be hurt all of the time when people made fun of me. its just been up until recently that ive been able to just say, fuck 'em. not feeling emotion corresponds to being a coldhearted bitch.
i guess its just a lesson that i hope can stick with me.
the friends issue needs to be resolved before it solves itself by me losing more friends. i cant do that.
on a lighter note, field day and all that stuff is going on next week. big collection day is tomorrow and im uber excited.
meghan comes in town soon.
spring break is going to be a hoot, if we can ever get something together.
i will leave you with this quote:
"it is better to die on your feet than live on your knees."
-from the greek tragedy agamemnon (i think)
balancing the people you love, the people you want to be with, the things you want to do and the things you have to do.
two years ago there was no balancing problem, because there was only one thing to balance. its ironic how sometimes the things that you wish the most for are the things that can end up making your life so complicated.
as i sit here and type this, there is an uncomfortable aim silence between carolyn and i. carolyn is one of my best friends. we got into a fight two weeks ago that really is stupid and never got resolved because i chose to make myself too busy.
two years ago, i didnt have a single friend to my name. meghan was just starting to become a friend.
today, i have all of these people that i really truly love for their individuality, their souls (or lack thereof, in the case of some people). its not easy being popular. and im not saying popular as in, "oh my god! hes like so popular and gets on all these chicks," but more in like the julianne's phone rings and she says "popular."
its come to the point where i can't pay attention to everyone and the balancing act has become a problem. i feel like i neglect carolyn and lauren and other friends, other people even who want to get to know me.
i cant hurt someone or tell someone why i dont like them or something about them that bothers me. i cant come to grips with the fact that i cant seem to ever do what is right. i cant ever see why i have a black heart. i truly am a bad person. and i dont know why. im happy?
we just read a reading in flex that talks about how happiness can not be made with things, happiness can not be made up of anything unless you have virtue. and for a seminar grade of "a" if ashley or evan reads this, i see the author's case right in my own soul. no virue. no true happiness.
sometimes i try to impress my friends. ive learned a long time ago, you dont need to impress your friends, you just need to be yourself. people have been telling me ever since 6th grade to be myself and not the person i act like. its gotten so bad, i dont know myself anymore. my heart and soul, not unlike my lungs, have been covered with a thick layer of tar.... so thick i cant see the real thing that lies underneath.
im afraid. im afraid of being myself, because myself would not be everything that i am today. and i like everything (well, not everything) i am today.
its just hard. as i live life i learn lessons. lessons that dont stick with me. case in point:
the whole lilly ******* issue. i dont have a flying clue who this girl is. i was told she was a bad person and what can i say, took off from there. i blew up and made her a joke. im the bad person. what the fuck? sometimes i dont know why i would ever intentionally try to hurt a person, but i guess i do do it. i guess i thought just because she seemed to have friends, just because she appeared happy, meant that what some little fucker like me says wouldnt effect her. i guess it did. i guess it does. what a person does, what a person says, what a person looks like, what a person's reputation is does not make them a bad person. actually, i gained a lot of respect for lilly throughout whatever happened. shes really nice and really a levelheaded person. maybe i went along with the whole anti-lilly thing because i was intimidated like everyone else. when she sees me, shes so nice. if someone did that to me, i would fucking never accept an apology and just be a total bitch. i dont deserve her courtesy, and yet i recieve it. weird as all hell. i guess thats why i can look up to the girl.
it makes me ashamed to know what i did after people have done the same to me. i used to be hurt all of the time when people made fun of me. its just been up until recently that ive been able to just say, fuck 'em. not feeling emotion corresponds to being a coldhearted bitch.
i guess its just a lesson that i hope can stick with me.
the friends issue needs to be resolved before it solves itself by me losing more friends. i cant do that.
on a lighter note, field day and all that stuff is going on next week. big collection day is tomorrow and im uber excited.
meghan comes in town soon.
spring break is going to be a hoot, if we can ever get something together.
i will leave you with this quote:
"it is better to die on your feet than live on your knees."
-from the greek tragedy agamemnon (i think)