After getting a letter from my dad.....
Dad,
I read your letter, and a few sentences into it started to cry. I truly felt my heart break...and to think i thought i had felt that 8 years ago that day at the park. You truly don't understand my pain. I am not upset about the divorce, i never really was. Sure i was sad to see my parents go their seperate ways but shortly after the divorce you made it crystal clear it was the best thing and it actually made me happy afterwards being able to spend time with you playing nintendo and boardgames and watching movies. I felt like you were so much happier, as apposed to you coming home angry everyday and reading the paper, watching tv and going to bed. I still remember sitting on the couch eatting marshmallow cereal watching CHiPS and Johnny Quest...what happened to that dad? what did i do?
From reading your letter it seems like i've done a lot. I've dissapointed you and pushed you out of my life? No that's not how i see it at all. Dad how long did you expect me to call you and suggest hanging out with you only to have you bring the person who split us up? I've never tried to hide the fact that Jeanette and i simply don't get a long. That was never a reason for me to not spend time or have a strong relationship with you, it was just a hurdle that you never seemed to want to jump. I invited you to countless sporting events only to be broken hearted at each half time searching for your face in the crowd and never finding it.... Didn't come to a single volleyball game this year-my last year, my best year. That tore me up inside on a daily basis. I just couldn't keep initiating spending time with YOU and being rejected, i was tired of being the one putting any effort into hanging out with my own father. that's not the child's job. So i decided i'd see how long it'd take before you called me and couldn't live with out me and sadly that day has only recently come. And to my sadness...it wasn't that you couldn't live without me it was to deliver an angry letter to me telling me how i'm a dissapointment and that i don't respect you and how it was my responsibility to re-establish our relationship, but i didn't mean to walk out of your life the day i walked out of your home...you let that happen. Do you know how hard it was for me to see you living your life like it didn't bother you that i wasn't hardly in it? It seemed like you were more than happy with Becky and Jeanette and all of her kids-heck, you were 2 for 3 and i was merely the one who didn't make the cut. And for you to tell me that the reason you didn't come to my sports games was because they were too early and you had to work and then to go to becky's basketball games an entire hour before mine and see you in the stands at EVERY game?? That killed me.
You mentioned that it was probably our last real conversation and that once i move you will probably never see me again. And if this is true it is only because you can get by each day without me you have no problem with it...just like the last 8 years. You can't blame me for not trying because i exhausted myself trying to get your approval and your interest. I wore myself out dad and i couldn't try and force you to want to me apart of my life.
Your letter confused me because you say I'm so special and i've matured so much....i only matured at this rate because my father told me at eleven years old that some woman he had met a year prior was more important than me...his first born baby girl. God that hurt more than you can imagine. All i had ever wanted was to be "your sweets" your bug...Jacine... and in one split second i was no longer aplicable for that. I had no choice but to grow up... after years of trying to have a strong relationship with you i gave up. I had no dad at that point and would cry thinking about my wedding one day without a dad, having Dan walk me down the aisle because all my real dad was good for was a joke or two, anything serious and i was out of luck. Going from being a complete daddy's girl to that....that'll take something out of you. Another part of your letter you say i only called when i needed money. Don't you think it broke my heart to ask you when i see my sister eatting top ramen for dinner and getting rationed on her milk? My mom made me call you each and every time because she knew you wouldn't answer if you say her calling and each time i'd argue and tell her that i didn't want you to think that i was using you for money. that was my biggest fear over the years is that you would come to see me like my mom and dan see dan's girls. Only caring when they needed something...and that wasn't me and i'm horribly upset that that's what you've come to know me as. Had you only take interest in me or called me once and a while to see how things were you would have know that...had you known me you would have known that. You say you've had an ache and a hole in your heart since i left.... did this ache keep you from picking up the phone to tell me you loved and missed me? Dad that's all i wanted over these last few years was to know you still thought of me and missed me and wanted me in your life. I felt like you didn't need me and it made me feel completely abandoned. So on my 18th birthday, after 8 years of trying to get you to notice me and love me and want to spend time with me i gave up and decided i wanted to me around people who cared about me on my birthday. You didn't seem to fit that criteria in my mind at that time so no, i didn't call you and ask you to be there. Honestly, i didn't want to be reminded of how happy you were without me on my birthday. I didn't want to see you with becky and jeanette...you're happy family...all the time knowing i was once a part of that...once a long time ago. I did call you and thank you for the gifts, i don't know how you could say i didn't. My mom made sure that i did, even though i would have withour her telling me to. It really hurts that you say i dissapointed you and don't respect you and most of all that i don't have the decency to call you and thank you..especially when i did. that just sets an example of how little you remember of me. I never once said you were a horrible parent or neglected to aknowledge you...so yes this letter is incredibly harsh in my eyes. I don't know why you'd chose to give it to me when it seems like we've been getting back to the point where everything is fine. You have never ever been uninportant to me dad...never. It has always felt the other way around and i didn't want to bother you..or worse feel rejected when you had other plans with "your family". It breaks my heart that you think after all these years it's been my fault that we aren't closer or that i never tried. I tried but i just couldn't be the parent anymore...i NEVER should have had to put out an effort to keep you close. You should have done more, but that's in the past and as you said i'm older now. I love you, you're my daddy and i always always will love you and you'll always be important to me, but i can't balance out our relationship and make it my duty to let you know how important you are to me when you haven't done the same for me. I don't think you know what all this has done to me. i really don't know how to trust people, and i have horrible confidence. I've done a lot of thinking about myself and i've realized that i can never trust people to love me, or stay with me when my own father forgot about me. I can't tell you how many fights i've been in with Trevor when he tries to tell me he'll be with me forever and i can't accept that because i had no faith in forever. I realllly don't want this feeling of hopelessness with you dad, i forgive you for the past, and i just hope you know that i never ever wanted you out of my life it just felt like you were partial and didn't really mind if i wasn't there and i was killing myself by putting myself out there to be let down so i stopped. I love you and always will.
-Jaci
I read your letter, and a few sentences into it started to cry. I truly felt my heart break...and to think i thought i had felt that 8 years ago that day at the park. You truly don't understand my pain. I am not upset about the divorce, i never really was. Sure i was sad to see my parents go their seperate ways but shortly after the divorce you made it crystal clear it was the best thing and it actually made me happy afterwards being able to spend time with you playing nintendo and boardgames and watching movies. I felt like you were so much happier, as apposed to you coming home angry everyday and reading the paper, watching tv and going to bed. I still remember sitting on the couch eatting marshmallow cereal watching CHiPS and Johnny Quest...what happened to that dad? what did i do?
From reading your letter it seems like i've done a lot. I've dissapointed you and pushed you out of my life? No that's not how i see it at all. Dad how long did you expect me to call you and suggest hanging out with you only to have you bring the person who split us up? I've never tried to hide the fact that Jeanette and i simply don't get a long. That was never a reason for me to not spend time or have a strong relationship with you, it was just a hurdle that you never seemed to want to jump. I invited you to countless sporting events only to be broken hearted at each half time searching for your face in the crowd and never finding it.... Didn't come to a single volleyball game this year-my last year, my best year. That tore me up inside on a daily basis. I just couldn't keep initiating spending time with YOU and being rejected, i was tired of being the one putting any effort into hanging out with my own father. that's not the child's job. So i decided i'd see how long it'd take before you called me and couldn't live with out me and sadly that day has only recently come. And to my sadness...it wasn't that you couldn't live without me it was to deliver an angry letter to me telling me how i'm a dissapointment and that i don't respect you and how it was my responsibility to re-establish our relationship, but i didn't mean to walk out of your life the day i walked out of your home...you let that happen. Do you know how hard it was for me to see you living your life like it didn't bother you that i wasn't hardly in it? It seemed like you were more than happy with Becky and Jeanette and all of her kids-heck, you were 2 for 3 and i was merely the one who didn't make the cut. And for you to tell me that the reason you didn't come to my sports games was because they were too early and you had to work and then to go to becky's basketball games an entire hour before mine and see you in the stands at EVERY game?? That killed me.
You mentioned that it was probably our last real conversation and that once i move you will probably never see me again. And if this is true it is only because you can get by each day without me you have no problem with it...just like the last 8 years. You can't blame me for not trying because i exhausted myself trying to get your approval and your interest. I wore myself out dad and i couldn't try and force you to want to me apart of my life.
Your letter confused me because you say I'm so special and i've matured so much....i only matured at this rate because my father told me at eleven years old that some woman he had met a year prior was more important than me...his first born baby girl. God that hurt more than you can imagine. All i had ever wanted was to be "your sweets" your bug...Jacine... and in one split second i was no longer aplicable for that. I had no choice but to grow up... after years of trying to have a strong relationship with you i gave up. I had no dad at that point and would cry thinking about my wedding one day without a dad, having Dan walk me down the aisle because all my real dad was good for was a joke or two, anything serious and i was out of luck. Going from being a complete daddy's girl to that....that'll take something out of you. Another part of your letter you say i only called when i needed money. Don't you think it broke my heart to ask you when i see my sister eatting top ramen for dinner and getting rationed on her milk? My mom made me call you each and every time because she knew you wouldn't answer if you say her calling and each time i'd argue and tell her that i didn't want you to think that i was using you for money. that was my biggest fear over the years is that you would come to see me like my mom and dan see dan's girls. Only caring when they needed something...and that wasn't me and i'm horribly upset that that's what you've come to know me as. Had you only take interest in me or called me once and a while to see how things were you would have know that...had you known me you would have known that. You say you've had an ache and a hole in your heart since i left.... did this ache keep you from picking up the phone to tell me you loved and missed me? Dad that's all i wanted over these last few years was to know you still thought of me and missed me and wanted me in your life. I felt like you didn't need me and it made me feel completely abandoned. So on my 18th birthday, after 8 years of trying to get you to notice me and love me and want to spend time with me i gave up and decided i wanted to me around people who cared about me on my birthday. You didn't seem to fit that criteria in my mind at that time so no, i didn't call you and ask you to be there. Honestly, i didn't want to be reminded of how happy you were without me on my birthday. I didn't want to see you with becky and jeanette...you're happy family...all the time knowing i was once a part of that...once a long time ago. I did call you and thank you for the gifts, i don't know how you could say i didn't. My mom made sure that i did, even though i would have withour her telling me to. It really hurts that you say i dissapointed you and don't respect you and most of all that i don't have the decency to call you and thank you..especially when i did. that just sets an example of how little you remember of me. I never once said you were a horrible parent or neglected to aknowledge you...so yes this letter is incredibly harsh in my eyes. I don't know why you'd chose to give it to me when it seems like we've been getting back to the point where everything is fine. You have never ever been uninportant to me dad...never. It has always felt the other way around and i didn't want to bother you..or worse feel rejected when you had other plans with "your family". It breaks my heart that you think after all these years it's been my fault that we aren't closer or that i never tried. I tried but i just couldn't be the parent anymore...i NEVER should have had to put out an effort to keep you close. You should have done more, but that's in the past and as you said i'm older now. I love you, you're my daddy and i always always will love you and you'll always be important to me, but i can't balance out our relationship and make it my duty to let you know how important you are to me when you haven't done the same for me. I don't think you know what all this has done to me. i really don't know how to trust people, and i have horrible confidence. I've done a lot of thinking about myself and i've realized that i can never trust people to love me, or stay with me when my own father forgot about me. I can't tell you how many fights i've been in with Trevor when he tries to tell me he'll be with me forever and i can't accept that because i had no faith in forever. I realllly don't want this feeling of hopelessness with you dad, i forgive you for the past, and i just hope you know that i never ever wanted you out of my life it just felt like you were partial and didn't really mind if i wasn't there and i was killing myself by putting myself out there to be let down so i stopped. I love you and always will.
-Jaci