(no subject)
Its definitely an obsession at this point, but hopefully not unhealthy. I've never be so in love with a band as I've fallen with Cool Hand Luke. I think I could fill an entire screen of why they are amazing. They're everything I love. Poetic, with such intense meaning and so much wonderful truth! And the music itself... I think if Jesus were to come back and be a musician, with the most incredible musical talent ever witnessed, His music would be something like Cool Hand Luke's... It's not necessarily all "peaceful" or "beautiful" (though much is)- its just so artistic. It's so expressive and creative and thoughtful. Every song is so different and uniquely inspired. I love them.
And I just realized Melanie must know of them, and apparently likes them, based on her screen name... Thats cool, cause it seems that nobody in the world knows of them. Shameful, too! You're all sadly, sadly missing out.
I guess I'm avoiding the important stuff. Today has been weird. I've been happy, or fine, yet so sad. I went out to dinner at Applebee’s with Sarah, Kate, Justin, Tiffany, Mitchel, and Dan. Needless to say we didn’t get as much catching up as I would've hoped. Not to mention the fact that I’m really the biggest jerk I know to Justin. And I don’t understand why in the world I haven’t been able to control it. I’ve learned to control wildly out-of-control things in my life and I can’t watch my mouth toward Justin. What’s wrong with me…
Then, I started feeling awful nostalgic, missing Arizona… It’s been almost four years since I left and usually I think back and thank the Lord I got to leave that hellhole. But sometimes… Oh, I have so many memories there. I feel like crying when I think of the way my relationships are with my friends there. Pretty much non existent. Especially since I can’t even remember the last time I visited. Since the divorce ever even started, me and the boys haven’t been there once. I don’t suppose I’ll be going any time soon, either.
I saw a picture on myspace of some girl outside someplace in Scottsdale. The sun, the random little leafless “trees” that are hardly there at all, and the beige/tan colored stucco on every single building everywhere. Its so weird… I miss that! Gosh Michigan is so much prettier. There’s life and trees and seasons and real houses and its nice. But Scottsdale is so crisp and clean. Not that MI is dirty, but it’s a lot more enclosed. AZ is really open… And I’m getting emotional about it. It’s a completely different life. I even kind of miss the drama with the girls in middle school. Wow I hated middle school. But all the good that was intertwined with most of the hell was really really GOOD! And before middle school, that’s where all the best stuff is. There were lots of good times, especially with Kayla. And with Sophie, Ally, Nikki, Kristin. That’s going way back… They’re not even names that are a part of my life. Not even Terese or Sophie. The hardest part is that people don’t really get it… People don’t understand what it is to long for a home in the past. It’s quite different than just missing memories. It’s missing an entire life, a completely different atmosphere and situation and entirely different interactions and lifestyle and even way of breathing. Moving changes everything but the family. Everything…
So I’m not really depressed. But you could say I actually feel self destructive for the first time in so long. Compared to anything it ever was, its nothing. But its definitely strange to feel that way for once again. Praise Jesus for such a heavy prayer covering over me right now. Even when I’m too weak to pray, there are those precious loves there to preservere for me. Thank you, I can’t even believe how great the protection, peace, calm, and even joy has been through what may be some of the toughest months of my life. I love you, girls. I love you forever! And boy hehe, thank you too. Prayers going heard, loud and clear.
PS- sorry for forgetting how to write short entries
And I just realized Melanie must know of them, and apparently likes them, based on her screen name... Thats cool, cause it seems that nobody in the world knows of them. Shameful, too! You're all sadly, sadly missing out.
I guess I'm avoiding the important stuff. Today has been weird. I've been happy, or fine, yet so sad. I went out to dinner at Applebee’s with Sarah, Kate, Justin, Tiffany, Mitchel, and Dan. Needless to say we didn’t get as much catching up as I would've hoped. Not to mention the fact that I’m really the biggest jerk I know to Justin. And I don’t understand why in the world I haven’t been able to control it. I’ve learned to control wildly out-of-control things in my life and I can’t watch my mouth toward Justin. What’s wrong with me…
Then, I started feeling awful nostalgic, missing Arizona… It’s been almost four years since I left and usually I think back and thank the Lord I got to leave that hellhole. But sometimes… Oh, I have so many memories there. I feel like crying when I think of the way my relationships are with my friends there. Pretty much non existent. Especially since I can’t even remember the last time I visited. Since the divorce ever even started, me and the boys haven’t been there once. I don’t suppose I’ll be going any time soon, either.
I saw a picture on myspace of some girl outside someplace in Scottsdale. The sun, the random little leafless “trees” that are hardly there at all, and the beige/tan colored stucco on every single building everywhere. Its so weird… I miss that! Gosh Michigan is so much prettier. There’s life and trees and seasons and real houses and its nice. But Scottsdale is so crisp and clean. Not that MI is dirty, but it’s a lot more enclosed. AZ is really open… And I’m getting emotional about it. It’s a completely different life. I even kind of miss the drama with the girls in middle school. Wow I hated middle school. But all the good that was intertwined with most of the hell was really really GOOD! And before middle school, that’s where all the best stuff is. There were lots of good times, especially with Kayla. And with Sophie, Ally, Nikki, Kristin. That’s going way back… They’re not even names that are a part of my life. Not even Terese or Sophie. The hardest part is that people don’t really get it… People don’t understand what it is to long for a home in the past. It’s quite different than just missing memories. It’s missing an entire life, a completely different atmosphere and situation and entirely different interactions and lifestyle and even way of breathing. Moving changes everything but the family. Everything…
So I’m not really depressed. But you could say I actually feel self destructive for the first time in so long. Compared to anything it ever was, its nothing. But its definitely strange to feel that way for once again. Praise Jesus for such a heavy prayer covering over me right now. Even when I’m too weak to pray, there are those precious loves there to preservere for me. Thank you, I can’t even believe how great the protection, peace, calm, and even joy has been through what may be some of the toughest months of my life. I love you, girls. I love you forever! And boy hehe, thank you too. Prayers going heard, loud and clear.
PS- sorry for forgetting how to write short entries