A Part Of Me: Neck Deep (Jalex)
Title: "I miss him." We still talk like everyday…
Author: jaaalex Myself
Title Credit: A Part Of Me: Neck Deep
Pairing: Jalex (I don't write any other pairing)
Rating: R (Possibly?)
Disclaimer: I don't own All Time Low, only the story. All of the descriptions of Abuse are simply from what i have learned by reading fics about it.
Warnings: Mentions of: Abuse, Rape
Summary: It used to be Alex & Jack, but now they are simply two people, together because they have a business to run.
A/N: Thankyou heaps for the original idea alltimefanfiction who were sent this ask by an anonymous person: http://alltimefanfiction.tumblr.com/post/66712193526/ greatly appreciated.
Here is the original lyrics to A Part Of Me: Neck Deep if you were interested: http://www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/neck+deep/A+Part+Of+Me/
I also made minor adjustments to the lyrics of this song to fit the intended purpose, e.g. Changing 'She' to 'He' etc…etc…
I just had a minor surgery, so I'm fine and good, but i have to keep this thing on for 24 hours and it should be fine after that. A quick recovery hopefully.
Anyway, onto the story…
I'll paint you a picture with words,
"I miss him."
We still talk like everyday
I still spoke to Alex, sure, but our language wasn't one of partners or friends, it was one of colleagues, only in each others presence for professional reasons, our movements weren't as fluid as they were a few years ago, they were old, the seemingly innocent touches that once grew to more, were now non existent, but never the less, i still lay at night staring at the black ceiling re-living the moments where we would talk like best friends, but its all gone, i still lay here, with my breath growing soft and my eyes slowly blinking shut as i was slipped into darkness, whispering "I still love you Alex"
But we don't talk in the same way that we used to,
I'll move on and forget you,
We could never see eye to eye,
But either way
Our talks grew far and in-between, the only time our voices touched each others was when they were raised, i can still remember you shouting to me for not being at bus call, or not putting your guitar away properly, but being the person i am, i would never shout back, i would never talk to you the way you talked to me. In the back of my mind, i know i can move on. But the bruises and the scars that litter my sides and skin would always be a constant reminder than your loving hands were once those of the devil, that your kind whispered words, where once those of hate and spite. I still remember the times that our fingers intertwined behind the stage. But somewhere deep down, i know that i can move on from you. Maybe…
I like him 'cuz he's smart, headstrong and independent,
He puts me in my place, but I don't know where I stand,
And if only I could find the words, or muster up the nerve to tell him
I'll never forget him
And he'll always have a part of me.
Alex always was the one that made me feel like i had a home, his loving touch, his hands roaming over the bare plains of my body reminded me that someone cared how i slept at night, that someone cared about where i was going to be that night, but at times when more than a few shots passed your lips, you would roam the streets, passing strangers, locking eyes with your targets, you would stammer home at the early hours of the dusk, greet me with a twisted smile, a gut wrenching feeling used to wash over me, until i found out that i was in utter and complete love with you, that the world around me no longer mattered, that as long as you came home to me, the world was at peace, i always wanted to tell you how much i loved you and missed you, but you stopped coming home, you stopped asking me how i slept in the morning, you stopped wondering how i would get to our next town. Your slaps and words always had my at my knees begging to be let down, begging for the red hand stain baring my skin to be put to rest. I knew where i stood with you, and i knew i should stay there.
Don't let me go down this road again,
We both know where this ends,
In a storm of feeling, I'm so unappealing
I can't play these games
After a while, being around you became something i bared, something i would dread, your skin, your heat was like a fire, it was a raging inferno that engulfed me as you lay beside me, knee over my thigh and had wrapped around my chest, i began with a sinking feeling, it turned to hate, then to boiling anger, for you managed to forget that your actions had consequences, that your hands had to be placed somewhere, that somewhere was me, i had such a hard time telling you when i wasn't comfortable with your touch, it was like i was scared, your eyes widened when i barely opened my mouth to say something, i just kept it closed, you had no idea what i was thinking, yet the expectation that i would tell you, was delirious, for i had no intention of you finding out where i was going that night, you barely cared how i would get to the next venue anyway.
I fell for a boy who would ask me to come over
Just for a day, when his parents were away,
Now all I can do is lay in my room,
Fall asleep, dream of you,
Then wake up and do nothing about it
The feeling that i used to have for you was immense, like when i looked at you, my heart would flutter, my stomach would rise to my throat, my legs would give way, i put you on a pedestal, the only choice i regret more than falling for your eyes in the first place, the only way to describe what you meant to me was in those moments, we were laying in bed, our chests heaving up and down, our limbs tangled together, our faces red, giggles and sweet nothings erupting from our mouths, and as awe drifted off, my dream of being your everything was all it was, a dream, if being the one that you would whisper "i love you" to at 3 in the morning, when you came home from your adventures. But all my freezing and aching body ever got was another forehead kiss and a few profanities before you were passed out leaving me to clean up your messes. Waking up was the hardest part, all of memories and the lies flooding back to me, leaving my breathing irregular and a confused look on your face, a few softly spoken words and your mind was at ease. Mine was far from it. So very very far from at ease.
I fell for a boy who could never ever let me walk home that way,
'Cause you gotta be safe,
So hold back your views,
We're both leaving soon,
I can't fall back on you,
'Cause that's not what I do.
You used to care about how i got home from my endless nights of drinking and drowing my sorrows, you never asked why i drank to my hearts content, you only ever asked if i was coming to the bus, you knew why i drank, you knew because i told you why, the only time you asked, but what if i told you i lied to you about why i drank so much i couldn't see straight, maybe i didn't want to see you, maybe your voice was enough to send my heart skyrocketing into space, maybe your voice, you know the croaky one that you used when you were muttering sweet nothings into my ear as i fell asleep in your arms after i got back from my drinking hours, maybe just maybe, i don't want to be able to hear your voice when you go away from me, maybe out of all the things you could do to me, leaving me wasnt going to hurt me as much as i first thought. On the other hand, i was someone who knew i had to be strong and not rely on your, because when you get back from your nights drinking, i knew just like myself, you wouldn't want to hear my voice, i couldn't help but hear yours when you told me i should stop drinking, you used more than your voice, you used your hands, around my neck, clamped over my mouth as you hit me more times than i could ever count. I felt safe with you, the way a victim feels safe with serial killer. Your soft touches made me feel like i belonged somewhere, but your undeniable harsh touches made me feel like i had a purpose, you were always right, i am a bit fucked up.
He hates it when I shout these words,
But I'll still sing for you.
One of the last straws for myself was one the last day of our tour, i don't even remember which one now, but it doesn't matter anymore, what matters is i finally got to tell you how you made me feel, i remember words forming in my brain then just spilling out of my mouth, no filter attached, no worries about what the consequences of my words were, you weren't worried about the consequences of your actions, let alone your words, so why should i be worried about mine, right? My eyes spilled over with hot tears, staining my cheeks and a strangled cry ripping through my throat as you grabbed me, you grabbed me hard, my fighting prevailed though, i was out of your grip, slying away from you and your monstrous hands, keeping a eye on where your feet were planted and where your gaze was landing, it landed on the hand shaped bruises that littered my neck, deep purple splashing the expanses of my neck, mixed with love bites and strangled cries, word after word just kept spilling from my mouth, the only reason they halted was because the grip you had on my bruised neck cut them off, with spluttering and choking i wiggled out of my inevitable death and ran as far away as i could, before i bumped into our friends, who escorted me back.
Few know the full story of what happened, i had told one of our bandmates, he now never leaves me alone with you, which is nice, because although the history between us wasn't great, i sometimes just wanted to be alone with you and only you. On the other hand, i knew what you were capable of. I knew far too well.
But in the early hours of the morning, i still hear your strangled cries and whimpered noises of "Jack, i love you, I'm so sorry" and yet i still do sit in bed and whisper up at the black ceiling "i still love you Alex" because to be perfectly honest, i still do.
Author: jaaalex Myself
Title Credit: A Part Of Me: Neck Deep
Pairing: Jalex (I don't write any other pairing)
Rating: R (Possibly?)
Disclaimer: I don't own All Time Low, only the story. All of the descriptions of Abuse are simply from what i have learned by reading fics about it.
Warnings: Mentions of: Abuse, Rape
Summary: It used to be Alex & Jack, but now they are simply two people, together because they have a business to run.
A/N: Thankyou heaps for the original idea alltimefanfiction who were sent this ask by an anonymous person: http://alltimefanfiction.tumblr.com/post/66712193526/ greatly appreciated.
Here is the original lyrics to A Part Of Me: Neck Deep if you were interested: http://www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/neck+deep/A+Part+Of+Me/
I also made minor adjustments to the lyrics of this song to fit the intended purpose, e.g. Changing 'She' to 'He' etc…etc…
I just had a minor surgery, so I'm fine and good, but i have to keep this thing on for 24 hours and it should be fine after that. A quick recovery hopefully.
Anyway, onto the story…
I'll paint you a picture with words,
"I miss him."
We still talk like everyday
I still spoke to Alex, sure, but our language wasn't one of partners or friends, it was one of colleagues, only in each others presence for professional reasons, our movements weren't as fluid as they were a few years ago, they were old, the seemingly innocent touches that once grew to more, were now non existent, but never the less, i still lay at night staring at the black ceiling re-living the moments where we would talk like best friends, but its all gone, i still lay here, with my breath growing soft and my eyes slowly blinking shut as i was slipped into darkness, whispering "I still love you Alex"
But we don't talk in the same way that we used to,
I'll move on and forget you,
We could never see eye to eye,
But either way
Our talks grew far and in-between, the only time our voices touched each others was when they were raised, i can still remember you shouting to me for not being at bus call, or not putting your guitar away properly, but being the person i am, i would never shout back, i would never talk to you the way you talked to me. In the back of my mind, i know i can move on. But the bruises and the scars that litter my sides and skin would always be a constant reminder than your loving hands were once those of the devil, that your kind whispered words, where once those of hate and spite. I still remember the times that our fingers intertwined behind the stage. But somewhere deep down, i know that i can move on from you. Maybe…
I like him 'cuz he's smart, headstrong and independent,
He puts me in my place, but I don't know where I stand,
And if only I could find the words, or muster up the nerve to tell him
I'll never forget him
And he'll always have a part of me.
Alex always was the one that made me feel like i had a home, his loving touch, his hands roaming over the bare plains of my body reminded me that someone cared how i slept at night, that someone cared about where i was going to be that night, but at times when more than a few shots passed your lips, you would roam the streets, passing strangers, locking eyes with your targets, you would stammer home at the early hours of the dusk, greet me with a twisted smile, a gut wrenching feeling used to wash over me, until i found out that i was in utter and complete love with you, that the world around me no longer mattered, that as long as you came home to me, the world was at peace, i always wanted to tell you how much i loved you and missed you, but you stopped coming home, you stopped asking me how i slept in the morning, you stopped wondering how i would get to our next town. Your slaps and words always had my at my knees begging to be let down, begging for the red hand stain baring my skin to be put to rest. I knew where i stood with you, and i knew i should stay there.
Don't let me go down this road again,
We both know where this ends,
In a storm of feeling, I'm so unappealing
I can't play these games
After a while, being around you became something i bared, something i would dread, your skin, your heat was like a fire, it was a raging inferno that engulfed me as you lay beside me, knee over my thigh and had wrapped around my chest, i began with a sinking feeling, it turned to hate, then to boiling anger, for you managed to forget that your actions had consequences, that your hands had to be placed somewhere, that somewhere was me, i had such a hard time telling you when i wasn't comfortable with your touch, it was like i was scared, your eyes widened when i barely opened my mouth to say something, i just kept it closed, you had no idea what i was thinking, yet the expectation that i would tell you, was delirious, for i had no intention of you finding out where i was going that night, you barely cared how i would get to the next venue anyway.
I fell for a boy who would ask me to come over
Just for a day, when his parents were away,
Now all I can do is lay in my room,
Fall asleep, dream of you,
Then wake up and do nothing about it
The feeling that i used to have for you was immense, like when i looked at you, my heart would flutter, my stomach would rise to my throat, my legs would give way, i put you on a pedestal, the only choice i regret more than falling for your eyes in the first place, the only way to describe what you meant to me was in those moments, we were laying in bed, our chests heaving up and down, our limbs tangled together, our faces red, giggles and sweet nothings erupting from our mouths, and as awe drifted off, my dream of being your everything was all it was, a dream, if being the one that you would whisper "i love you" to at 3 in the morning, when you came home from your adventures. But all my freezing and aching body ever got was another forehead kiss and a few profanities before you were passed out leaving me to clean up your messes. Waking up was the hardest part, all of memories and the lies flooding back to me, leaving my breathing irregular and a confused look on your face, a few softly spoken words and your mind was at ease. Mine was far from it. So very very far from at ease.
I fell for a boy who could never ever let me walk home that way,
'Cause you gotta be safe,
So hold back your views,
We're both leaving soon,
I can't fall back on you,
'Cause that's not what I do.
You used to care about how i got home from my endless nights of drinking and drowing my sorrows, you never asked why i drank to my hearts content, you only ever asked if i was coming to the bus, you knew why i drank, you knew because i told you why, the only time you asked, but what if i told you i lied to you about why i drank so much i couldn't see straight, maybe i didn't want to see you, maybe your voice was enough to send my heart skyrocketing into space, maybe your voice, you know the croaky one that you used when you were muttering sweet nothings into my ear as i fell asleep in your arms after i got back from my drinking hours, maybe just maybe, i don't want to be able to hear your voice when you go away from me, maybe out of all the things you could do to me, leaving me wasnt going to hurt me as much as i first thought. On the other hand, i was someone who knew i had to be strong and not rely on your, because when you get back from your nights drinking, i knew just like myself, you wouldn't want to hear my voice, i couldn't help but hear yours when you told me i should stop drinking, you used more than your voice, you used your hands, around my neck, clamped over my mouth as you hit me more times than i could ever count. I felt safe with you, the way a victim feels safe with serial killer. Your soft touches made me feel like i belonged somewhere, but your undeniable harsh touches made me feel like i had a purpose, you were always right, i am a bit fucked up.
He hates it when I shout these words,
But I'll still sing for you.
One of the last straws for myself was one the last day of our tour, i don't even remember which one now, but it doesn't matter anymore, what matters is i finally got to tell you how you made me feel, i remember words forming in my brain then just spilling out of my mouth, no filter attached, no worries about what the consequences of my words were, you weren't worried about the consequences of your actions, let alone your words, so why should i be worried about mine, right? My eyes spilled over with hot tears, staining my cheeks and a strangled cry ripping through my throat as you grabbed me, you grabbed me hard, my fighting prevailed though, i was out of your grip, slying away from you and your monstrous hands, keeping a eye on where your feet were planted and where your gaze was landing, it landed on the hand shaped bruises that littered my neck, deep purple splashing the expanses of my neck, mixed with love bites and strangled cries, word after word just kept spilling from my mouth, the only reason they halted was because the grip you had on my bruised neck cut them off, with spluttering and choking i wiggled out of my inevitable death and ran as far away as i could, before i bumped into our friends, who escorted me back.
Few know the full story of what happened, i had told one of our bandmates, he now never leaves me alone with you, which is nice, because although the history between us wasn't great, i sometimes just wanted to be alone with you and only you. On the other hand, i knew what you were capable of. I knew far too well.
But in the early hours of the morning, i still hear your strangled cries and whimpered noises of "Jack, i love you, I'm so sorry" and yet i still do sit in bed and whisper up at the black ceiling "i still love you Alex" because to be perfectly honest, i still do.