(no subject)
yesterday... it was... not expected
i knew i would cry...
i cried alot...
im such an emo little boy
i got video of most of it
then the tape ran out
it sucked
i got mad
i should have gotten a new tape for it
but instead i have Company Competition and Military Ball on the same tape...
i dont know why i feel this way...
its like my life is over; yet just begining
for 4 years, JROTC has been my life... now thats over
and now i have to go in to the real world...
the military...
JROTC was fun, i got to do what ever i wanted, i owned it...
but the military... its the fucking marine corps...
its not a 0630 - 1435 job... its 24/7; 365...
i know ill have leave, and time off... and its not like im going to be on base 24/7...
but if i get called up... ill be on the front lines
where if i fuck up... people die...
if i screw up, myself or other mariens will pay for it...
i guess what im afraid of most is failing... myself and my corps.
i dont want to be the marine who panics...
i dont want to be the marine who gets other marines killed...
with in 8 months... i will be a fully trained battle ready marine...
6 months after my 18th birthday, ill be trained to kill...
its not that im scared...
i feel as though im growing up to fast...
i feel as though im going to miss out on alot
but then, i dont really want to wait
i want to leave right now...
i WILL be a united states marine
its the only thing that i will ever feel right about.
i dont know if the marine corps is the answer...
but its an opertunity... and im willing to give it a shot
i want to be remembered
if being a marine means ill go down in the history books...
by all means, ill be there
i realized... thats what i want the most
i want to have a family; so i can pass on my name
but i want to be a marine; so i can pass on a legand...
i wanted to be Battalion Commander of JROTC... so i can be seen
i want to be commandant of the Marine Corps... so i will be seen...
i feel as though i have more then anyone else...
i have something no one else has...
and i WANT it to be recognized...
is that wrong?
for me to be that selfish...?
for me to want everything... just so i can be noticed?
would i be willing to sacrifice everything for my ambition?
i dont know...
i need to know what the fuck im going to do...
because i dont know yet, but im pretty sure that i wont be able to keep a family with my goals...
the only way to get to the top... is to prove im the best... and if that means fighting in every battle from the day i graduate SOI till the day i die/retire, then thats what ill do...
and i dont see a wife willing to let me go in to countless battles for an ambition...
for some reason... i dont see me having a family
as much as i want one...
i think my arogance will make me lose them
i dont think im capable of backing down from a goal...
i havent so far... and i dont think i ever will
ill be commandant even if it means my death
because atleast ill die fighting for my dream
i watched my Military Ball tape over and over again lastnight...
my mother recorded my speech...
i cried again...
i dont understand it, its not like my life is over...
yet why do i cry?
its stupid, ill have other squads, other platoons, other battalions, other regaments, other bridgades... and one Marine Corps, before im done...
if i acted like that over a JROTC Battalion... how am i going to act when i have to give up the Marine Corps...?
hopefully ill have grown up by then...
by then, i see all of my tears being drained from my body in blood and sweat
i hope so
i want to bleed, i want to have stories
i want to get in to knife fights, hand to hand combat fights, sniper duels,
i want to get stabed, i want to get punched, i want to get shot...
i want my blood to be added to the "Blood Stripe" on the side of the dress blue slacks...
i want to be known...
like vanessa put it last night...
i want my grandchildren to recognize me...
read about me in history books
learn about my victories
and brag to the other kids, that they are related to me
Carlos N. Hathcock II...
the greatest sniper to ever live...
2500 yards... one kill... (not possiable)
93 enemy confirmed killed...
his name as been regarded with the highest ammount of honor in the Marine Corps books and archives...
the most enemy kills from a sniper... the best... and hes held that title since 1969...
i want to be greater then that
i want to be studied by marines and civils alike...
i know that my ambition will proably kill me...
i wish i knew how to quit thinking about this
its consuming my mind...
my body...
my feelings...
and my life
i hate it.
im going to go now, my time is done.
-jP
i knew i would cry...
i cried alot...
im such an emo little boy
i got video of most of it
then the tape ran out
it sucked
i got mad
i should have gotten a new tape for it
but instead i have Company Competition and Military Ball on the same tape...
i dont know why i feel this way...
its like my life is over; yet just begining
for 4 years, JROTC has been my life... now thats over
and now i have to go in to the real world...
the military...
JROTC was fun, i got to do what ever i wanted, i owned it...
but the military... its the fucking marine corps...
its not a 0630 - 1435 job... its 24/7; 365...
i know ill have leave, and time off... and its not like im going to be on base 24/7...
but if i get called up... ill be on the front lines
where if i fuck up... people die...
if i screw up, myself or other mariens will pay for it...
i guess what im afraid of most is failing... myself and my corps.
i dont want to be the marine who panics...
i dont want to be the marine who gets other marines killed...
with in 8 months... i will be a fully trained battle ready marine...
6 months after my 18th birthday, ill be trained to kill...
its not that im scared...
i feel as though im growing up to fast...
i feel as though im going to miss out on alot
but then, i dont really want to wait
i want to leave right now...
i WILL be a united states marine
its the only thing that i will ever feel right about.
i dont know if the marine corps is the answer...
but its an opertunity... and im willing to give it a shot
i want to be remembered
if being a marine means ill go down in the history books...
by all means, ill be there
i realized... thats what i want the most
i want to have a family; so i can pass on my name
but i want to be a marine; so i can pass on a legand...
i wanted to be Battalion Commander of JROTC... so i can be seen
i want to be commandant of the Marine Corps... so i will be seen...
i feel as though i have more then anyone else...
i have something no one else has...
and i WANT it to be recognized...
is that wrong?
for me to be that selfish...?
for me to want everything... just so i can be noticed?
would i be willing to sacrifice everything for my ambition?
i dont know...
i need to know what the fuck im going to do...
because i dont know yet, but im pretty sure that i wont be able to keep a family with my goals...
the only way to get to the top... is to prove im the best... and if that means fighting in every battle from the day i graduate SOI till the day i die/retire, then thats what ill do...
and i dont see a wife willing to let me go in to countless battles for an ambition...
for some reason... i dont see me having a family
as much as i want one...
i think my arogance will make me lose them
i dont think im capable of backing down from a goal...
i havent so far... and i dont think i ever will
ill be commandant even if it means my death
because atleast ill die fighting for my dream
i watched my Military Ball tape over and over again lastnight...
my mother recorded my speech...
i cried again...
i dont understand it, its not like my life is over...
yet why do i cry?
its stupid, ill have other squads, other platoons, other battalions, other regaments, other bridgades... and one Marine Corps, before im done...
if i acted like that over a JROTC Battalion... how am i going to act when i have to give up the Marine Corps...?
hopefully ill have grown up by then...
by then, i see all of my tears being drained from my body in blood and sweat
i hope so
i want to bleed, i want to have stories
i want to get in to knife fights, hand to hand combat fights, sniper duels,
i want to get stabed, i want to get punched, i want to get shot...
i want my blood to be added to the "Blood Stripe" on the side of the dress blue slacks...
i want to be known...
like vanessa put it last night...
i want my grandchildren to recognize me...
read about me in history books
learn about my victories
and brag to the other kids, that they are related to me
Carlos N. Hathcock II...
the greatest sniper to ever live...
2500 yards... one kill... (not possiable)
93 enemy confirmed killed...
his name as been regarded with the highest ammount of honor in the Marine Corps books and archives...
the most enemy kills from a sniper... the best... and hes held that title since 1969...
i want to be greater then that
i want to be studied by marines and civils alike...
i know that my ambition will proably kill me...
i wish i knew how to quit thinking about this
its consuming my mind...
my body...
my feelings...
and my life
i hate it.
im going to go now, my time is done.
-jP