News, feelings, and other such fun.
I have an announcement to all of my friends and loved ones whom view this journal without making it as public as sharing it on Facebook -this- time for sake of not rubbing salt into an open set of wounds. I've had a very personally trying time in many departments of my life. It's not even close to ending yet, but, there's lights at the end of the tunnel.
I'm going to start with the most relevant part first, my love life. I had (note the word had) 3 suitors who were vying for my attention at the same time. I had a choice to make and quick or I ultimately would be the one to get burned and lose everything; a tough lesson a certain fox has learned the hard way and I learning from that fail had to take a very quick emotional inventory and evaluate them.
I'm going to begin with the dragon (who did ultimately win out...sorry for spoilers). He came to me with his feelings after we had been friends for quite some time and I had once expressed mine but, my willingness to allow for his happiness even if it wasn't I to give it. He asked pointedly if I was single and available. Technically, that was a yes because I'd not agreed nor promised to ANYONE who had their offers in the proverbial arena at that point. Well, with that answer, he blossomed...and showed me much much more than I ever anticipated possible. Which through his methods of expression of music and words wowed me big time. He understood me and when I turned on and opened the flood gates he met me with equal resistance and passion/flood waters and didn't waiver one bit. It ended in a comfortable and happy stalemate. As I described it to a friend, "It was like if you could picture 2 fire hoses and pointed it at each other to where the streams pushed against one and other and the streams held each other in equal balanced proportion."
His inner beauty of being, and expressing, and showing me he's as genuine to my face as he is when talking to friends where I'm concerned and using equal beauty when doing so blew me away but rooted my attention to him. -goosh bubble- He's simply amazing bottom line. Half a world away, and be damned if I couldn't picture it and feel it. He reads, accepts, and interprets my "open book" exactly as I intended and he doesn't want put it down from beginning to whenever it should end. He rather wants to showcase it on his beautiful ornate and velvety book stand. I find myself returning it period...and I find we end up saying the same exact thing in our own unique ways as we can think up newer expressions thereof...we say it. I wish I could copy paste every beautiful word of our interactions. (Can you see why he ultimately was what I chose even for the geographic difficulties and consequences I had to face for such a decision yet? I can go on for hours on end babbling it out and repeating myself if you -really- need)
Then there's ferret. OMG I want to say this straight up. It must have hurt his tail when he fell from the heavens. Honest, laid back (little too much in the passion department), very well thought out, sweet, and totally understanding throughout ALL of it inclusive of my choice now. My love and respect for him have no words but, it's not -that- kind of love. Yes, there was a technology glitch, which when I finally cleared up with him before I even told him about this made me go....well crap, I'm so sorry I misunderstood and that part of my decision was him appearing to not care enough to contact me and take initiative in that department. Long discussion later, it was difficult for me to admit to him while I love him because he's him...it's not like that and I don't know what flavor the love actually is but, it ain't like above. He's such a fantastic man. I can't say enough good praise for him in his own right. That really, made it tough too but, when comparing it to above....I couldn't put it in the same ball park sadly. So, in that, I had to be forthright and honest when he asked how I felt about the above.
Then, there's fox.....and that entire saga to now well diagrammed in this blog. Almost nuff said. I think a friend put it best saying about 3/4 of my issues there which I kind of agree with him when he said 2 things. "He just doesn't want to change the past" Which, I've said to others. While in fairness some progress was made, a lot seemed lip service and it's bad when an outside observer without -that- being the conversation can see it. He doesn't want to change he wants to whine about it to anyone that'll listen telling them I'm being mean and hurtful and unfair (which mind you I've had to hear how he came to my defense when he led them to inaccurate conclusions "by accident"). And repeatedly going I don't know how....every time....like he expects someone else to fix him for him. Second, quote from same friend, "He's going to become bitter if he can't move forward" true story....bitter in progress. "I'm all alone now" (gee thanks, not like I'm not giving you a roof, trying to man up and take responsibility for the hurts I caused and trying to fix what I broke meaning his heart to the best I know how) I'm not even going to get into the ugly past 72 hours other than to say for my viewing audience that it'd be VERY UGLY which finished killing any romantic inkling crumbs I thought I had.
Save for all of that, he's sweet, giving, and loving. Gives me anything I want, and then some of the things I didn't bargain for. He looks up to me a lot. However, unlike with others whom rely upon me and look up to me...he doesn't know when to use his own two legs and not hang onto mine like a lead ball. I also look around this home and the things we do, that we built memories around, and possessions around...and go when we do cooperate we can accomplish a lot and enjoy a lot. However, we end up in more arguments, angst, and pure fury/drama....and it's always about the same story. Our communication stinks, we've been so hot n cold, and finally fizzed out on my end. Why would I keep lying to myself about that? So, as horrible as the truth was to tell him...it's one sided...let me tell you what isn't happening. You have a stable home, I understand you hurt, etc etc etc...but, do what you feel you need to do and keep on keepin on. THE END. I love him. I try to protect him and give him a fair home environment in spite of the romantic relationship failing. I dunno what else I could have done for the boy. His neurotic, jealous, and immature moments.....really just stomp it six feet under for me. The issues we had and bad habits we have....I'm worried we won't even salvage a healthy friendship after all being said and done point to point. Part my fault for choices I made, nasty and hurtful words I've said for good and born of hurt, anger, and frustration as well misinterpreting things, and visa versa is also true.
So there you have it boys n girls....friends and relations...and I'm sure fox too. The truth and the independent reasons I made the choice I did per my feelings anyway.
I'm going to start with the most relevant part first, my love life. I had (note the word had) 3 suitors who were vying for my attention at the same time. I had a choice to make and quick or I ultimately would be the one to get burned and lose everything; a tough lesson a certain fox has learned the hard way and I learning from that fail had to take a very quick emotional inventory and evaluate them.
I'm going to begin with the dragon (who did ultimately win out...sorry for spoilers). He came to me with his feelings after we had been friends for quite some time and I had once expressed mine but, my willingness to allow for his happiness even if it wasn't I to give it. He asked pointedly if I was single and available. Technically, that was a yes because I'd not agreed nor promised to ANYONE who had their offers in the proverbial arena at that point. Well, with that answer, he blossomed...and showed me much much more than I ever anticipated possible. Which through his methods of expression of music and words wowed me big time. He understood me and when I turned on and opened the flood gates he met me with equal resistance and passion/flood waters and didn't waiver one bit. It ended in a comfortable and happy stalemate. As I described it to a friend, "It was like if you could picture 2 fire hoses and pointed it at each other to where the streams pushed against one and other and the streams held each other in equal balanced proportion."
His inner beauty of being, and expressing, and showing me he's as genuine to my face as he is when talking to friends where I'm concerned and using equal beauty when doing so blew me away but rooted my attention to him. -goosh bubble- He's simply amazing bottom line. Half a world away, and be damned if I couldn't picture it and feel it. He reads, accepts, and interprets my "open book" exactly as I intended and he doesn't want put it down from beginning to whenever it should end. He rather wants to showcase it on his beautiful ornate and velvety book stand. I find myself returning it period...and I find we end up saying the same exact thing in our own unique ways as we can think up newer expressions thereof...we say it. I wish I could copy paste every beautiful word of our interactions. (Can you see why he ultimately was what I chose even for the geographic difficulties and consequences I had to face for such a decision yet? I can go on for hours on end babbling it out and repeating myself if you -really- need)
Then there's ferret. OMG I want to say this straight up. It must have hurt his tail when he fell from the heavens. Honest, laid back (little too much in the passion department), very well thought out, sweet, and totally understanding throughout ALL of it inclusive of my choice now. My love and respect for him have no words but, it's not -that- kind of love. Yes, there was a technology glitch, which when I finally cleared up with him before I even told him about this made me go....well crap, I'm so sorry I misunderstood and that part of my decision was him appearing to not care enough to contact me and take initiative in that department. Long discussion later, it was difficult for me to admit to him while I love him because he's him...it's not like that and I don't know what flavor the love actually is but, it ain't like above. He's such a fantastic man. I can't say enough good praise for him in his own right. That really, made it tough too but, when comparing it to above....I couldn't put it in the same ball park sadly. So, in that, I had to be forthright and honest when he asked how I felt about the above.
Then, there's fox.....and that entire saga to now well diagrammed in this blog. Almost nuff said. I think a friend put it best saying about 3/4 of my issues there which I kind of agree with him when he said 2 things. "He just doesn't want to change the past" Which, I've said to others. While in fairness some progress was made, a lot seemed lip service and it's bad when an outside observer without -that- being the conversation can see it. He doesn't want to change he wants to whine about it to anyone that'll listen telling them I'm being mean and hurtful and unfair (which mind you I've had to hear how he came to my defense when he led them to inaccurate conclusions "by accident"). And repeatedly going I don't know how....every time....like he expects someone else to fix him for him. Second, quote from same friend, "He's going to become bitter if he can't move forward" true story....bitter in progress. "I'm all alone now" (gee thanks, not like I'm not giving you a roof, trying to man up and take responsibility for the hurts I caused and trying to fix what I broke meaning his heart to the best I know how) I'm not even going to get into the ugly past 72 hours other than to say for my viewing audience that it'd be VERY UGLY which finished killing any romantic inkling crumbs I thought I had.
Save for all of that, he's sweet, giving, and loving. Gives me anything I want, and then some of the things I didn't bargain for. He looks up to me a lot. However, unlike with others whom rely upon me and look up to me...he doesn't know when to use his own two legs and not hang onto mine like a lead ball. I also look around this home and the things we do, that we built memories around, and possessions around...and go when we do cooperate we can accomplish a lot and enjoy a lot. However, we end up in more arguments, angst, and pure fury/drama....and it's always about the same story. Our communication stinks, we've been so hot n cold, and finally fizzed out on my end. Why would I keep lying to myself about that? So, as horrible as the truth was to tell him...it's one sided...let me tell you what isn't happening. You have a stable home, I understand you hurt, etc etc etc...but, do what you feel you need to do and keep on keepin on. THE END. I love him. I try to protect him and give him a fair home environment in spite of the romantic relationship failing. I dunno what else I could have done for the boy. His neurotic, jealous, and immature moments.....really just stomp it six feet under for me. The issues we had and bad habits we have....I'm worried we won't even salvage a healthy friendship after all being said and done point to point. Part my fault for choices I made, nasty and hurtful words I've said for good and born of hurt, anger, and frustration as well misinterpreting things, and visa versa is also true.
So there you have it boys n girls....friends and relations...and I'm sure fox too. The truth and the independent reasons I made the choice I did per my feelings anyway.