When the time comes...
I wanted to tell him how much I love him. Yes, I've been hurt pretty badly and I'm not sure I may ever fully recover. My heart's been broken twice by the same man within almost a month. I couldn't tell if the first hurt more than the last, but I know I'll be crying for awhile.
I'm asking everyone who reads this for some advice. I've been told I need to get over him as quickly as possible, to occupy myself with something other than thoughts of him every minute of the day that I can. I think this is so that when the time comes that I see him with another girl, my heart won't be broken a third time.
I don't know how much heartache one person can take, but I know that having to say goodbye twice to a man I love more dearly than my own life, is torture. He wants no contact for the next 5 days, I guess to cement his decision to never look at me or feel for me the way he has before. It hurts to be left lonely, to know that I have no one to hold me when I go back to what has become my second home. It hurts to be given so much hope then have it slashed and burned for one single human error. I'm far from perfect, I never claimed to be good at anything. I never wanted to fall in love because I knew this would happen.
In the end, I know it was all my fault. Everything I said, everything I did factored into this; the most feared moment in my entire life. That never again I've been dreading has come to lay with me forever. What to do? How should I know?
I could think of a million things I shouldn't have done. The first of which is not to have called him back tonight. I should have given him a chance to cool down a bit. I'm glad he did it over the phone rather than email, because it was the closest he could get to in person, I'm thankful for that. But beyond the should haves and what ifs, I'm left completely lost. How do you move past someone who has shown you more than you ever imagined there was for you in the world. I've experienced more emotions, more love, more devotion, more promise in the last 7 months than my entire life. I could go back to how I was, to being numb, not letting anyone in, giving everything to people I don't even know, leaving nothing of myself for me or anyone who cares. Before him, I had a very lonely, apathetic life. He showed me it was ok to love someone with everything you are because you'll find something beautiful in return. Yet, he never let on that there was a vast emptiness to face after that was gone.
So what do I have left to share with my friends? Very little. I gave it all to someone who was worth every bit of it. And now, well, there's just nothing left, I'm exhausted and numbing.
Tim, I love you. A part of me always will. I've learned alot from you and our relationship, but I will not be able to carry it with me to the next. You've taken my heart and frankly, you can keep it, its really no use to me anymore. I just hope you remember the good instead of the bad. I hope you think of me as the girl who loved you more than herself rather than any of the things I said or did to hurt you. I'm sorry that I couldn't prove myself to be the one for you when I still believe you're the one for me. I wish I had time to get to be the woman you needed me to be. I'm sorry I couldn't be everything you needed and I hope someone will love you as much as I do and get the chance to take care of you and be with you for the rest of your life. I'm already incredibly jealous of her. And if she screws up, I'll be the first to tell her how stupid she is for letting you get away. I know how much you're worth and I know what you deserve, I just hope the girl you find to be the one for you knows that too and loves you with every fiber of her being, so unconditionally and passionately. I'll miss you very much. I love you.
I'm not taking back anything I said. I just want to add that I would do anything for you. I've been trying to change. I've been trying to be good for you. I know I can. I know I wouldn't frustrate you like I do and compicate things if I hadn't had that month to go back to my old ways. I'm not so far from that as you think. I know it seems as thought I've not changed at all, in fact you told me so. It's just that I did change, for you. Then things changed with us and that change I made for you just left me.
I'm sorry I forget things. I'm sorry I'm used to 2nd chances. I'm sorry your parents don't like me. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry if I don't seem ready to you. I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?
I love you. I've known for so long, even before we were together, that I loved you. I still love you, just more. I'm trying to not need you, but at the end of the day you are the only one I want to talk to who I know is lonely and could use a friend to just chat with. I'm sorry its so much more stressful than a friendly chat, but I love you and I can't get over it so quickly. I have to admit that it's getting hard to stay attached to you when I know you won't be ready to try again with me any time soon. I wish I could ask for an approximate time of when you'll know, but I know you don't. Besides, decisions aren't important right now, just the path to them.
You are pulling me so thin though. The single girl in me knows I should move on, but I can't because I know if I do then there's a good chance I won't get to be with you ever again. It scares me, the thought of not being with you. I am incredibly jealous of every girl who's kissed you or touched you or you've given that thought or look to wondering if she was the one. The thing is, when we were together that first month, you didn't seem to be wondering at all. That's what keeps me going, is that you'll feel that way again.
I want to be with you. But I'm not sure if it's such a good idea to wait for you only to watch you fall for someone else. I wish you hadn't shown that to your mom, that really hurts that you would show her something that you knew would spoil her image of me when you do let their opinion of girls you date influence you, even if its in the slightest way.
I love you, I can't say it enough. I still think you're the only man I will ever love this deeply and that you are the only man I will want to spend the rest of my life with, who I'm willing to change for because I know I need to before I get into any relationship, but more so because it's you, Tim. I also don't think you will find someone who will love you with more passion than me. Not that you don't deserve that, but I just don't see how anyone could love as much as I love you. I wish I could express just how much that is, but I don't know how.
I don't want anyone else. Sure, I have people I wouldn't mind dating, but for the long run, I only think of you, I only want you. Call me inexperienced, ok, but I know you're the one for me. The only thing is you don't know if I'm the one for you or not. I'm not sure it can work that way, but only you can answer that. I love you, I want to be with you, if only you'll have me, let me grow to be a better person, to learn from you and from myself. I will be at the point you need me to be when the time comes. All I'd like is an update from you when something new comes up, good or bad. That's all, I just want to know what to do. I love you.
Jenni
ps~Timmy, I hope you're not upset with me. I feel terrible about us going to bed upset. I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I'm sorry and I love you.
I'm taking a deep breath and pretending it doesn't take all my strength to hold back tears when I think of this, or losing you, the only man I will ever love this much. You are the first man I ever truly, deeply, passionately loved with every bit of me. You never forget your first love, especially if you lost them the way I have. I'm sorry again. You were more wonderful than I knew how to handle. I hope you find someone who can. I love you.