Accounting
Lately I have been thinking about what it means to be accountable. Right after Claire was born, I wrote that she makes me want to be a better person, but I didn't delve into the mechanics of it. I think becoming a parent is one of the only external reasons a person can truly change their hard-wired nature--because all the sudden you find yourself face to face with someone who is utterly reliant on you, and will be learning the ways of the world from you. This little person will begin to not only mirror but magnify your behaviors, and it can be truly horrifying to imagine your personal shortcomings being repeated.
In my past, I have consistently let myself down. I have always been my own worst critic, and I have let that inner voice squash so many opportunities I have had to evolve, to try new things, to fail and learn from it. Consequently, when I HAVE failed, it has utterly derailed me because I was so unaccustomed to it. I realized I didn't want that for Claire, and the only way I had to show her how to be brave was to myself be brave. If I wanted to set a good example, I had to stop phoning in wanting to be good and really BE GOOD. This has ultimately meant I have had to become accountable to myself.
It didn't happen overnight--it's been more of a progression, and there are definitely days when I don't feel like I have the energy to be a role model. Then I look at my daughter and remember that she deserves a mom who always tries to be her best, even if that means she sometimes falls short. For me, following through, doing things right the first time and being open and honest are the three pillars I strive to hold up even when my world gets crazy. In a few years I may add a few extra pillars, but that's what MY accountability looks like right now.
In my past, I have consistently let myself down. I have always been my own worst critic, and I have let that inner voice squash so many opportunities I have had to evolve, to try new things, to fail and learn from it. Consequently, when I HAVE failed, it has utterly derailed me because I was so unaccustomed to it. I realized I didn't want that for Claire, and the only way I had to show her how to be brave was to myself be brave. If I wanted to set a good example, I had to stop phoning in wanting to be good and really BE GOOD. This has ultimately meant I have had to become accountable to myself.
It didn't happen overnight--it's been more of a progression, and there are definitely days when I don't feel like I have the energy to be a role model. Then I look at my daughter and remember that she deserves a mom who always tries to be her best, even if that means she sometimes falls short. For me, following through, doing things right the first time and being open and honest are the three pillars I strive to hold up even when my world gets crazy. In a few years I may add a few extra pillars, but that's what MY accountability looks like right now.