Query Letter

[j_forias]

Hiya all. I've been bullied into submitting my novel to literary agents. Got my first two chapters polished, my synopsis looking decent (no small thanks to Stu and Sagacious C for their help a with that a while back) and now all I have to do is the query letter.

Here it is. Any and all help will be utterly priceless.

Thank you.

Comments

[j_forias]

I need to beg a favour. I've done sixty billion redrafts based on lots of comments and am very, very close to a final version.

The whole thing reads like this:

'Britain has hidden in underground cities for generations - isolating itself completely against the threat of a virulent plague. So when fifteen-year-old Emily Forias is abducted to fight in a secret war, she reacts with disbelief. After all, who could her people possibly be fighting?

Taken to a secret Institute, Emily is trained to use the powerful telekinetic abilities hidden inside her. Her captors, led by the charismatic Offence Master, insist she is duty-bound to become a human weapon against an enemy they refuse to reveal. Rejecting this ‘duty’, Emily launches a bitter crusade to uncover the truth: a crusade that includes hacking into the Institute’s computer mainframe.

Emily slowly discovers that her entire nation is ruled by a lie. Her people are not hiding from a disease of the body, but one of the mind - a terrible psychosis that corrupts one of Emily’s few confidantes. As a result, Emily's own computer codes are used to bypass security and the Institute finds itself under attack from within. In order to save her world, Emily will have to save the Institute. But the cost may be having to accept what she fears the most… becoming nothing but a weapon in the hands of the Offence Master.'

I've changed the last two lines at the last moment - but have to print out query letters tonight. Does it sound okay?

[norwegianblue47]

I'm guessing this is supposed to read like the summary on a dust jacket.

I would change "Emily Forias is abducted" to "Emily Forias is taken" and I mean this in a serious way, but it just makes me question why she is reacting with disbelief to the fighting rather than the being abducted. Or maybe not "taken" but another word. But I think "taken" still implies the suddenness (especially since you use the word "captors" later on) you are going for without necessitating horror and confusion over the actual act, if that makes sense.

I don't think you need to include "a crusade that includes hacking into the Institute's computer mainframe." as it doesn't make me any more curious to see what she finds out. Though if you wanted to sell it more as a cyberpunk thing then leave it in. Then again, this is just me, but repeating "crusade" makes it sound pretty cliche. Then again, cliche probably sells, or makes it easier, from a publisher's standpoint to sell. Maybe "Rejecting this 'duty', Emily launches a bitter crusade, hacking into the Institute's computer mainframe to uncover the truth." Though I'm assuming that she does other things besides hack into the computer to investigate.

I feel like in the last paragraph maybe you are using her name too much. Maybe "She slowly discovers..." I would definitely keep the use of her name in the sentence that goes "As a result, Emily's own computer codes..." because we don't know what gender the confidant is, so if it was changed to "Her own computer codes" it wouldn't be clear if you were talking about Emily or the confidant. And I realize this sounds a bit confusing, but I didn't want to mess things up.

It reads a bit weird, in the last paragraph. You had been setting the Institute up to be the Big Bad, but then there's the reminder that the Institute is actually protecting Britain from something. I've thought about this for a good five minutes, and I think it reads easier if you changed the third sentence to "As a result, Emily's own computer codes are compromised, and the Institute is under attack from within." I'm not 100% why it reads better, except that I feel like it makes it more clear that her codes were used by her corrupted confidant (if that's what's happened) and makes it more clear that the Institute being attacked, despite being the big bad, may not be all that desirable. I don't know if I would use the term "Offence Master" at the end there, as the reader doesn't know what that is, and it sounds rather specific. If you were going to use "the Institute" or just "the master" or something like that, it's a much more vague expression and a person can project whatever they think it is into the sentence and it sounds more threatening. The use of "Offence master" even though you used it before, just kind of confused me rather than made me feel unsettled.

[norwegianblue47]

Oh and good luck!

[j_forias]

Ah... switching to 'taken' means that word is used twice in quick succession, especially noticeable as it's the first word of paragraph two.

Would this line work?

'Arriving at a secret Institute, Emily is trained to use the powerful telekinetic abilities hidden inside her. '

[norwegianblue47]

Yeah, you're right. I just read it out loud all together and it does sound off. Arriving works. I also think "Brought to a secret..." also works, since kind of retains the whole not of her own choosing feeling.

[j_forias]

Awesome feedback. Thank you. I've made every change apart from the last one. I debated, for quite a while, changing it to 'Institute' but then I have the problem of using the 'Institute' too many times, plus the earlier reference to the Offence Master seems superfluous. Unfortunately, the way this particular version is written hinges on the Offence Master and dropping him would mean a total redraft. That may make it better, but alas, I don't have the time.

In any case, your other changes are fab. Here's how it looks now:

Britain has hidden in underground cities for generations - isolating itself completely against the threat of a virulent plague. So when fifteen-year-old Emily Forias is taken to fight in a secret war, she reacts with disbelief. After all, who could her people possibly be fighting?

Taken to a secret Institute, Emily is trained to use the powerful telekinetic abilities hidden inside her. Her captors, led by the charismatic Offence Master, insist she is duty-bound to become a human weapon against an enemy they refuse to reveal. Rejecting this ‘duty’, Emily launches a bitter crusade to uncover the truth and hacks into the Institute’s computer mainframe.

She slowly discovers that her entire nation is ruled by a lie. Her people are not hiding from a disease of the body, but one of the mind - a terrible psychosis that corrupts one of Emily’s few confidantes. As a result, Emily's own computer codes are compromised and the Institute finds itself under attack from within. In order to save her world, Emily will have to save the Institute. But the cost may be having to accept what she fears the most… becoming nothing but a weapon in the hands of the Offence Master.

[norwegianblue47]

I like it. This version, compared to the version in the original post, I feel like it probably relates to the story better, and with the fixes, I think it reads smoother. Thumbs up. Good luck! I'm happy that you're doing this. :)

[j_forias]

Thanks so much! Your help on short notice is really appreciated. Let me know if you were serious about wanting to read it. I'll bump it across to you if you are. :)

[norwegianblue47]

No problem. Not much else going on a Sunday afternoon. And yes, I was serious about wanting to read it. I figured you'd rather I spend money on the book when it comes out, but if you want to bump it over, I won't say no to that.

[j_forias]

Highly unlikely to be published, I'm afraid. The agents get 50-60 queries a week. It's entirely up to you. I don't want to foist. (Although I do quite like using the word.)

[norwegianblue47]

Yes, I really do want to read it, and if you still need suggestions on it, I can do that too.

[j_forias]

Ooh. Awesome.

However, I seem to have lost your email address.