Query Letter
Hiya all. I've been bullied into submitting my novel to literary agents. Got my first two chapters polished, my synopsis looking decent (no small thanks to Stu and Sagacious C for their help a with that a while back) and now all I have to do is the query letter.
Here it is. Any and all help will be utterly priceless.
Thank you.
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Dear [Agent],
Fifteen-year-old Emily Forias is abducted from her home to fight in a conflict that she knows to be impossible. For generations, Britain has lived underground in perfect isolation, so how can it be at war? Taken to the Aebber Institute of Proving, she discovers telekinetic abilities inside herself, which she and others are being trained to use. Her captors, led by the charismatic Offence Master, explain only that this secret war is necessary, while spouting patriotic sound-bites that ensure the blind obedience of Emily’s fellow students.
Enraged at the breach of everything she thought her society stood for, Emily fights back and refuses to embrace the violence taught by the Institute. Despite the sadistic discipline of the Offence Master and the scorn of her fellow students, Emily launches a bitter crusade to discover the truth.
Yet even as Emily makes allies and gets closer to her goal, a terrible psychosis is creeping over one of her few confidantes. At the same time as she unravels the truth behind the war, Emily’s plans are manipulated into an attempt to destroy the Institute. In the battle that follows, Emily must decide whether to hold on to her once-dear values or whether to sacrifice them for the sake of humanity’s survival.
White Fire is a completed manuscript of just over 100,000 words, written as the first book in a Young Adult trilogy.
[Short Bio, etc. and end.]
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I'm torn between two versions of the final describing paragraph. Here's the other version:
Yet even as Emily makes allies and gets closer to her goal, a terrible psychosis is creeping over one of her few confidantes. When Emily’s plans are manipulated into an attempt to destroy the Institute, she discovers a threat too great to ignore. As she tries to save the lives of those who have tormented her, Emily must decide whether to hold on to her once-dear values or whether to sacrifice them for the sake of humanity’s survival.
Here it is. Any and all help will be utterly priceless.
Thank you.
---
Dear [Agent],
Fifteen-year-old Emily Forias is abducted from her home to fight in a conflict that she knows to be impossible. For generations, Britain has lived underground in perfect isolation, so how can it be at war? Taken to the Aebber Institute of Proving, she discovers telekinetic abilities inside herself, which she and others are being trained to use. Her captors, led by the charismatic Offence Master, explain only that this secret war is necessary, while spouting patriotic sound-bites that ensure the blind obedience of Emily’s fellow students.
Enraged at the breach of everything she thought her society stood for, Emily fights back and refuses to embrace the violence taught by the Institute. Despite the sadistic discipline of the Offence Master and the scorn of her fellow students, Emily launches a bitter crusade to discover the truth.
Yet even as Emily makes allies and gets closer to her goal, a terrible psychosis is creeping over one of her few confidantes. At the same time as she unravels the truth behind the war, Emily’s plans are manipulated into an attempt to destroy the Institute. In the battle that follows, Emily must decide whether to hold on to her once-dear values or whether to sacrifice them for the sake of humanity’s survival.
White Fire is a completed manuscript of just over 100,000 words, written as the first book in a Young Adult trilogy.
[Short Bio, etc. and end.]
---
I'm torn between two versions of the final describing paragraph. Here's the other version:
Yet even as Emily makes allies and gets closer to her goal, a terrible psychosis is creeping over one of her few confidantes. When Emily’s plans are manipulated into an attempt to destroy the Institute, she discovers a threat too great to ignore. As she tries to save the lives of those who have tormented her, Emily must decide whether to hold on to her once-dear values or whether to sacrifice them for the sake of humanity’s survival.