christmas

[j88ls]

what a strange christmas
it started with midnight mass
with sara and christian
the same church I attended for thirty years
but so many different people
the same christmas songs
some of the choir the same
but so many little changes
different priest presents for children
a feeling of being out of place
and then the christmas celebrations
and stories from my daughter
christmas with her father's family
names of people who were my relatives
for thirty years during my marriage
stories of marriages pregnancies babies
greetings sent from those who ho longer care
whose family I no longer belong to
it all seems so meaningless
who would think of all the people you can lose
at the end of a marriage
my life is now full of these holes
friends family acquaintances
it is hard to to pretend they have not changed
or is it I who have changed
I have faced each hurdle before me
I have got through seven years of struggle
I have built myself out of an idea
but I still feel lost
I have moments close to despair
only my family keep me going
I fight against the sadness
I think of all the good things in my life
I hope yet again as the year draws to a close
that somehow it will all work out in the end
that there really is a meaning to existence
that the hope of christmas
is the hope of a new life