your identity is safe with me
Dammit, and I thought livejournal was safe.....sneaking up on me like that. Flattering that you want to know more about me, but at the same time, it's like standing naked in front of you. Because in some entries, these words are me. Totally exposed. However, now that it's 5am, I'm tempted to bare a little more of my soul.....for your viewing pleasure of course. I hate you.
Like I was saying earlier, life experiences mold a person. How they act, what they value, their perspective on the world. So the way one person views the world is so different from the next person's view, mainly because of how they have learned through experience how to percieve.
I feel like I don't see the world like anyone I have ever met. You and I, we'll never see eye to eye. And my fear is that I will never find someone I can see eye to eye with. My past is so fucked, the way I interpret the world is fucked. One night while we laid in bed, I took out my notebook and wrote an outline to a poem (which Kevin said I should turn into songs, but you know my musical limitations). Some of the lines spoke about how sometimes I'm afraid, because I see the same anger inside of you, clouded behind your eyes...the same anger that I RESTRAIN. My life is all about restraint. Because if there was no restraint, you would see the real me. Angry, hurt, fucked. I'm afraid I'll never find someone to show the real me to...because no one will ever understand what I've been through in my life. Therefore no one will understand why I think the way I do. I can be with a normal person, who I will feel inferior to, as if I'm damaged goods and have everything to hide. Or I can be with someone who is a little fucked up too. But I feel like most people don't have the past I do, aren't as fucked up. And if there is someone like that, I certainly know it will be a disasterous relationship combining those two angry souls. Or I could be with you. And we say weird but always getting better. But still....you must wonder....why is it weird? There's just something not said...or something not done....or a feeling that is missing. Is it me? What I have to say will probably blow your mind. And I don't feel I'm different around other people. And it's not an LJ thing. It's probably the inferior writer in me coming out. Organzing my thoughts in a way I feel I can comprehend. Anyway..
I've learned not to trust. I've learned not to love anyone. Because everyone who I ever loved has broken my heart. Has heart me to the fullest extent. The absolute minute I opened up my life to Mike. Told him things I've never told a soul in my life....it's fuck you baby, I'm outta here. And I felt so empty inside. Not from losing him. But from baring a piece of my soul...giving a peice of myself that I hide so fiercely....and having the other person not repsect that, or comprehend the magnamity of it. When he took off, he took with him that piece of my soul I bared. My parents too. They took a piece of my soul. Or should I say, shaped what bit of me I have left. Scarred me to feel this emptyness. My grandparents and Erin and Sarah and I dunno who else, are the only ones who have not broken my heart. But even still, I show restraint. Everyday with them.
I've learned it's hard for me to sometimes enjoy life. Sometimes the greatest moments of my life are the saddest. Because I have no one to share them with, or they only reccur memories of pain. Everyday life scares me. Sometimes in the beginning, you scared me. Not so much anymore, but still, I'm a little scared of you sometimes.
I've learned I'm different. Damaged. Sometimes I almost have a sinister outlook on life. Sometimes I feel so alone. Music will never be important to me. Writing or teaching will never be important to me. People are important to me. Because people are the one thing I can't have. The one thing I've been denied, that I long for so much. Someone I can feel so comfortable with, I don't need to show restraint. And sometimes I feel comfortable with you. You kno I've told you a few things one night, the night I cried. And I feel like it was building up inside of me and I needed to tell you. But still, it took a lot to tell you. And even after reading this, we can even have an emotional conversation, I still will show restraint. And I'm sorry. It's not that I don't trust you. Well, maybe it is a little. Like I said, I told Mike things I never told anyone. After 6 years. And look how hurt it left me. How empty and sad, sad enough to cry in the shower. If I ever trust anyone again to talk openly to, it would have to be......I don't know.....incredibly fucking big for me.
I've learned I can't be fixed. I've learned to adapt and show restraint. That hiding my emotions is the safest way to "seem normal" or keep my sanity. And there's all that bullshit about love, forgive, and accept what you can't change. Fuck that. My perception will forever be altered. I'll never feel whole, never feel fully accepted by anyone in the world, never accept another's love without secretly second guessing it or feeling undeserving of it.
I've learned I'll always be scared. I'll be this toughass at work, coming down hard on the students, handling crisis situations or physical situations. In life, I'll stand up and take control of a situation. I'll walk with my head up pass leering men. Hell, when that guy said that thing to me at BSC, I spit in his face. And when that man at Blockbusters touched me, I busted out my Cardinal Cushing moves and basketheld him (restrained him) against my car. I punched Mike and I didn't stop. I will stand up for myself when you hit me. Again and again. Fuck the cycle of violence, I will hit you back. then bite you. But I will always feel like a scared little girl inside, without ever showing it. And I'll go home....take a 30 minute shower...and cry. And cry. And I'll wonder why I can't be loved. It's probably because I won't let you in. Because then I would be again, standing naked in front of you, exposed...when I should be showing restraint.
R.E.S.T.R.A.I.N.T
Like I was saying earlier, life experiences mold a person. How they act, what they value, their perspective on the world. So the way one person views the world is so different from the next person's view, mainly because of how they have learned through experience how to percieve.
I feel like I don't see the world like anyone I have ever met. You and I, we'll never see eye to eye. And my fear is that I will never find someone I can see eye to eye with. My past is so fucked, the way I interpret the world is fucked. One night while we laid in bed, I took out my notebook and wrote an outline to a poem (which Kevin said I should turn into songs, but you know my musical limitations). Some of the lines spoke about how sometimes I'm afraid, because I see the same anger inside of you, clouded behind your eyes...the same anger that I RESTRAIN. My life is all about restraint. Because if there was no restraint, you would see the real me. Angry, hurt, fucked. I'm afraid I'll never find someone to show the real me to...because no one will ever understand what I've been through in my life. Therefore no one will understand why I think the way I do. I can be with a normal person, who I will feel inferior to, as if I'm damaged goods and have everything to hide. Or I can be with someone who is a little fucked up too. But I feel like most people don't have the past I do, aren't as fucked up. And if there is someone like that, I certainly know it will be a disasterous relationship combining those two angry souls. Or I could be with you. And we say weird but always getting better. But still....you must wonder....why is it weird? There's just something not said...or something not done....or a feeling that is missing. Is it me? What I have to say will probably blow your mind. And I don't feel I'm different around other people. And it's not an LJ thing. It's probably the inferior writer in me coming out. Organzing my thoughts in a way I feel I can comprehend. Anyway..
I've learned not to trust. I've learned not to love anyone. Because everyone who I ever loved has broken my heart. Has heart me to the fullest extent. The absolute minute I opened up my life to Mike. Told him things I've never told a soul in my life....it's fuck you baby, I'm outta here. And I felt so empty inside. Not from losing him. But from baring a piece of my soul...giving a peice of myself that I hide so fiercely....and having the other person not repsect that, or comprehend the magnamity of it. When he took off, he took with him that piece of my soul I bared. My parents too. They took a piece of my soul. Or should I say, shaped what bit of me I have left. Scarred me to feel this emptyness. My grandparents and Erin and Sarah and I dunno who else, are the only ones who have not broken my heart. But even still, I show restraint. Everyday with them.
I've learned it's hard for me to sometimes enjoy life. Sometimes the greatest moments of my life are the saddest. Because I have no one to share them with, or they only reccur memories of pain. Everyday life scares me. Sometimes in the beginning, you scared me. Not so much anymore, but still, I'm a little scared of you sometimes.
I've learned I'm different. Damaged. Sometimes I almost have a sinister outlook on life. Sometimes I feel so alone. Music will never be important to me. Writing or teaching will never be important to me. People are important to me. Because people are the one thing I can't have. The one thing I've been denied, that I long for so much. Someone I can feel so comfortable with, I don't need to show restraint. And sometimes I feel comfortable with you. You kno I've told you a few things one night, the night I cried. And I feel like it was building up inside of me and I needed to tell you. But still, it took a lot to tell you. And even after reading this, we can even have an emotional conversation, I still will show restraint. And I'm sorry. It's not that I don't trust you. Well, maybe it is a little. Like I said, I told Mike things I never told anyone. After 6 years. And look how hurt it left me. How empty and sad, sad enough to cry in the shower. If I ever trust anyone again to talk openly to, it would have to be......I don't know.....incredibly fucking big for me.
I've learned I can't be fixed. I've learned to adapt and show restraint. That hiding my emotions is the safest way to "seem normal" or keep my sanity. And there's all that bullshit about love, forgive, and accept what you can't change. Fuck that. My perception will forever be altered. I'll never feel whole, never feel fully accepted by anyone in the world, never accept another's love without secretly second guessing it or feeling undeserving of it.
I've learned I'll always be scared. I'll be this toughass at work, coming down hard on the students, handling crisis situations or physical situations. In life, I'll stand up and take control of a situation. I'll walk with my head up pass leering men. Hell, when that guy said that thing to me at BSC, I spit in his face. And when that man at Blockbusters touched me, I busted out my Cardinal Cushing moves and basketheld him (restrained him) against my car. I punched Mike and I didn't stop. I will stand up for myself when you hit me. Again and again. Fuck the cycle of violence, I will hit you back. then bite you. But I will always feel like a scared little girl inside, without ever showing it. And I'll go home....take a 30 minute shower...and cry. And cry. And I'll wonder why I can't be loved. It's probably because I won't let you in. Because then I would be again, standing naked in front of you, exposed...when I should be showing restraint.
R.E.S.T.R.A.I.N.T