Scars
I have never had anybody ask me if my scars are *real* before. This weekend, someone did. I'm not sure how that makes me feel.
I usually wear long sleeves around people I do not know well, but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I forget they are there at all. Which defeats the purpose of them, really. They are *there* to remind me. One scar for every bad mistake, every sad guilt, every deep regret. Some are bigger than others. Some regrets are bigger than others. But I have a record of almost all of them, over the last 7 years.
I can count my scars, and know what sort of a bad, wrong person I am, no matter how many times people tell me "oh I'm sure you're a lovely person, really". If they say it enough, I might start to believe them. And then I'd forget. So every time I start to forget, all I have to do is look at my body, and I remember that I am not a nice person, not at all. I am flawed and wrong and I have made so many stupid mistakes. I should not be allowed to forget. I will *never* allow myself to forget.
Some of my scars fade over time, the smaller ones, for the little wrongs, but the big ones never will. And the memories of the big ones never will. For all my life, I will be able to trace the lines of my scars, as I trace the scars on my heart, the scars I have inflicted on the hearts and minds of others.
And every stupid thing I do, I will learn from it. And I will make damn sure that I never forget.
I usually wear long sleeves around people I do not know well, but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I forget they are there at all. Which defeats the purpose of them, really. They are *there* to remind me. One scar for every bad mistake, every sad guilt, every deep regret. Some are bigger than others. Some regrets are bigger than others. But I have a record of almost all of them, over the last 7 years.
I can count my scars, and know what sort of a bad, wrong person I am, no matter how many times people tell me "oh I'm sure you're a lovely person, really". If they say it enough, I might start to believe them. And then I'd forget. So every time I start to forget, all I have to do is look at my body, and I remember that I am not a nice person, not at all. I am flawed and wrong and I have made so many stupid mistakes. I should not be allowed to forget. I will *never* allow myself to forget.
Some of my scars fade over time, the smaller ones, for the little wrongs, but the big ones never will. And the memories of the big ones never will. For all my life, I will be able to trace the lines of my scars, as I trace the scars on my heart, the scars I have inflicted on the hearts and minds of others.
And every stupid thing I do, I will learn from it. And I will make damn sure that I never forget.