depressed as shit
i hate this time of year.
its ugly out today and nothing is keeping me going.
i'm not happy. i'm depressed and i don't know why.
i just want to hang out with barbara and my old friends who never try to get up with me anymore or answer my calls and texts.
i want peirce to come home. i miss her so much.
the only times i'm happy now are when i'm with barbara or at work. i love those people.
and when i'm not, i just feel like locking myself in my room and crying for hours upon hours.
last night i went to bed at about 10 and found myself watching tv and crying my eyes out until 4am when i finally fell asleep. then i had terrible dreams which woke me up at 6am and i cried more until i fell back asleep around 7. then my mom woke me up a half hour later so i could go to work.
i don't know what i'm doing with myself. i'm trying to drink like a lot less and work a lot more which i'm doing a great job at and i'm really proud of myself. i'll be able to pay my mom back in like six months i hope. then saving to move to philly. i'm so scared though. barbara's going to be there for like a year without me. i'll see her like once a month and in between those times i won't have any idea who she is hanging out with or what she's doing. it's not that i don't trust her, i do, i'm just scared because i'm not good at meeting new people and i'm not good at thinking optimistically so when i finally move there i'm just going to want to sit at home and i'm afraid that barbara will want to go out with her friends and leave me at home by myself. and then if i go out i'm scared that either i won't like her new friends or that they won't like me. or that they'll exclude me because barbara means more to them than me.
i'm way too insecure. but other than that i have no idea whats wrong with me. why can't i stop crying? why?
its ugly out today and nothing is keeping me going.
i'm not happy. i'm depressed and i don't know why.
i just want to hang out with barbara and my old friends who never try to get up with me anymore or answer my calls and texts.
i want peirce to come home. i miss her so much.
the only times i'm happy now are when i'm with barbara or at work. i love those people.
and when i'm not, i just feel like locking myself in my room and crying for hours upon hours.
last night i went to bed at about 10 and found myself watching tv and crying my eyes out until 4am when i finally fell asleep. then i had terrible dreams which woke me up at 6am and i cried more until i fell back asleep around 7. then my mom woke me up a half hour later so i could go to work.
i don't know what i'm doing with myself. i'm trying to drink like a lot less and work a lot more which i'm doing a great job at and i'm really proud of myself. i'll be able to pay my mom back in like six months i hope. then saving to move to philly. i'm so scared though. barbara's going to be there for like a year without me. i'll see her like once a month and in between those times i won't have any idea who she is hanging out with or what she's doing. it's not that i don't trust her, i do, i'm just scared because i'm not good at meeting new people and i'm not good at thinking optimistically so when i finally move there i'm just going to want to sit at home and i'm afraid that barbara will want to go out with her friends and leave me at home by myself. and then if i go out i'm scared that either i won't like her new friends or that they won't like me. or that they'll exclude me because barbara means more to them than me.
i'm way too insecure. but other than that i have no idea whats wrong with me. why can't i stop crying? why?