(no subject)
out of sheer boredom i'm updating. i usually do this when i'm desperately bored and sick of being alone for an extended period of time. this life that i'm living right now, no job and no money but an abundance of free time, is not real. it's not realistic. it's driving me nuts. it's like i'm just wasting the days as they come while i wait for somebody to offer me a job and school to start. tomorrow is monday, school starts tuesday.
it's also martin luther king jr day tomorrow. he had a dream.
the weekend plans turned out to be semi-disappointing. i suceeded in drinking lots of wine and an entire 40 last night, and i did get to hang out with hannibal and others at alisa and lauren's apartment, so i guess the weekend was actually a success. i guess i want to have some big blowout party where all of us, and i mean all of my friends that i haven't seen yet since i've been back in the country (one month and two days) in my house drinking and dancing and laughing. i miss those crazily big parties where, as the hostess, you wander around every single room to get a feel for what people are doing what in which room and you see someone and then you don't see them again until right before the party ends. every party has a definite point where people look at eachother and just decide in that instant that the party has ended. i want one of those parties where nobody wants to leave. where we're all having so much fun and so caught up in being back together that we forget about time and school and tomorrow.
this sounds cheesy, i dont know where that last paragraph came from. sometimes i just try to follow where my mind's thoughts guide me and try to not taint whatever thoughts arise in my head. but seriously. i dont understand some of what i write. but that's the interesting thing, because it's coming from some place inside of me and even i don't know it or understand it. i like to think i'm constantly evolving and still remaining a mystery, an enigma to myself. life would be so boring if we all could explain why we do everything that we do or be able to have the ability to give a perfect definition of who you are as a person. every single little fragment of your personality would be named and placed. can you even imagine? there's no room for growth or anything. i never want to know myself completely, even though i think doing so would really help me choose where i'm going in the future. i need to make some big decisions in the coming months, in the coming years. i dont know how i feel about that quite yet.
i'm in love, and i wanted to write something profound about how i know and blah blah blah and all that relationship crap, but i can't. i don't know what the words are yet, but i feel like i need to understand how i know this time that i'm in love for sure. it feels completely different from past relationships, but just assuming because it feels different it must mean that it's love doesn't seem fully logical or fair. i dont know. i dont know why i debate these things like this, but love is tough. but so worth it. so incredibly worth it.
someone's car alarm is going off and no one has turned it off yet, that scares me. i've heard some sketchy things about this neighborhood from different people, and that freaks the hell out of me. hopefully all i'll experience is the soothing quiet that covers this neighborhood during the day and all the cute houses lined up on the roads. i dont need some hardocre scary back alley experience. no, no thank you, i think i'm fine.
i think im going to lay here for a bit. i feel sleep coming on, thank god. i'm so bored my brain hurts.
it's also martin luther king jr day tomorrow. he had a dream.
the weekend plans turned out to be semi-disappointing. i suceeded in drinking lots of wine and an entire 40 last night, and i did get to hang out with hannibal and others at alisa and lauren's apartment, so i guess the weekend was actually a success. i guess i want to have some big blowout party where all of us, and i mean all of my friends that i haven't seen yet since i've been back in the country (one month and two days) in my house drinking and dancing and laughing. i miss those crazily big parties where, as the hostess, you wander around every single room to get a feel for what people are doing what in which room and you see someone and then you don't see them again until right before the party ends. every party has a definite point where people look at eachother and just decide in that instant that the party has ended. i want one of those parties where nobody wants to leave. where we're all having so much fun and so caught up in being back together that we forget about time and school and tomorrow.
this sounds cheesy, i dont know where that last paragraph came from. sometimes i just try to follow where my mind's thoughts guide me and try to not taint whatever thoughts arise in my head. but seriously. i dont understand some of what i write. but that's the interesting thing, because it's coming from some place inside of me and even i don't know it or understand it. i like to think i'm constantly evolving and still remaining a mystery, an enigma to myself. life would be so boring if we all could explain why we do everything that we do or be able to have the ability to give a perfect definition of who you are as a person. every single little fragment of your personality would be named and placed. can you even imagine? there's no room for growth or anything. i never want to know myself completely, even though i think doing so would really help me choose where i'm going in the future. i need to make some big decisions in the coming months, in the coming years. i dont know how i feel about that quite yet.
i'm in love, and i wanted to write something profound about how i know and blah blah blah and all that relationship crap, but i can't. i don't know what the words are yet, but i feel like i need to understand how i know this time that i'm in love for sure. it feels completely different from past relationships, but just assuming because it feels different it must mean that it's love doesn't seem fully logical or fair. i dont know. i dont know why i debate these things like this, but love is tough. but so worth it. so incredibly worth it.
someone's car alarm is going off and no one has turned it off yet, that scares me. i've heard some sketchy things about this neighborhood from different people, and that freaks the hell out of me. hopefully all i'll experience is the soothing quiet that covers this neighborhood during the day and all the cute houses lined up on the roads. i dont need some hardocre scary back alley experience. no, no thank you, i think i'm fine.
i think im going to lay here for a bit. i feel sleep coming on, thank god. i'm so bored my brain hurts.