ain't that the way they say it goes?
What a journey
I have had every type of perception there is. And let me tell you: I don't know.
I'm feeling really really good for the first time in a while.
My therapist said something that really got through to me:
It's a full time job keeping yourself sad all the time, isn't it Katy?
Who is the real Katy?
I've been like this acting stupid on purpose and pushing everyone in my life away, surrounding myself with people who hate me. Being rude for no reason whatsoever. I want to be unhappy. Because I thought (still think) I don't deserve happiness. I was a shitty, neglectful daughter and then he died. But, I can't keep making my ife a living hell. I have to forgive myself and move on. He's dead, and that isn't my fault. And it wasn't my fault my mom left him. and it wasn;t my fault he was depressed. It's his fault for fucking me up. I don't have to keep shoving everything so deep inside of me. When I walked around pretending like I didn't care and you all thought I was so stupid. You had no idea how fragile I was. One time some one told me I should buy some pants that fit me and I went in the bathroom and cried. I cried all the time. I wanted everyone to think I was tough, that I didn't care. And that just made you all meaner. So the "tougher" I got. Until I became an idiot. I became an empty vessel. Literally. I just walked around pretending to be like whoever I was hanging out with, with out really realizing what I was doing. I learned not to think about things beause that's what hurts. Until I met Melissa McDonald and she completely showed me what I was. In the worst way possible, and I fell into such a lull that it was too painful for me to live in reality. So I stopped. I just stopped. I said "Fuck you world, I'm not going to live in you any more.. I'm going to live in my head." And then people REALLY didn't know what to think about me.
All of this is exagerated.. but it's the only way I can explain.
I have had every type of perception there is. And let me tell you: I don't know.
I'm feeling really really good for the first time in a while.
My therapist said something that really got through to me:
It's a full time job keeping yourself sad all the time, isn't it Katy?
Who is the real Katy?
I've been like this acting stupid on purpose and pushing everyone in my life away, surrounding myself with people who hate me. Being rude for no reason whatsoever. I want to be unhappy. Because I thought (still think) I don't deserve happiness. I was a shitty, neglectful daughter and then he died. But, I can't keep making my ife a living hell. I have to forgive myself and move on. He's dead, and that isn't my fault. And it wasn't my fault my mom left him. and it wasn;t my fault he was depressed. It's his fault for fucking me up. I don't have to keep shoving everything so deep inside of me. When I walked around pretending like I didn't care and you all thought I was so stupid. You had no idea how fragile I was. One time some one told me I should buy some pants that fit me and I went in the bathroom and cried. I cried all the time. I wanted everyone to think I was tough, that I didn't care. And that just made you all meaner. So the "tougher" I got. Until I became an idiot. I became an empty vessel. Literally. I just walked around pretending to be like whoever I was hanging out with, with out really realizing what I was doing. I learned not to think about things beause that's what hurts. Until I met Melissa McDonald and she completely showed me what I was. In the worst way possible, and I fell into such a lull that it was too painful for me to live in reality. So I stopped. I just stopped. I said "Fuck you world, I'm not going to live in you any more.. I'm going to live in my head." And then people REALLY didn't know what to think about me.
All of this is exagerated.. but it's the only way I can explain.