(no subject)
i guess i just don't know anymore. i really don'tknow, and i hold on and i tug and i feel like i'm making things worse when all i wanted was just to make things better. and i always thought better was how it used to be but i don't even know if you were really happy back when.
and someone told me the other day how envious they were of our relationship, and i realize that i am really envious of that relationship as well, but from the outside of it, as if i was never in it, or it never existed. and all i do know is that there are pieces of me that have come from you, or have been created by you, and i just want to be able to say pickle again or sit on the mailboxes and have it be as special and relaxed as it used to be. i don't know what i want, or what i'm expecting to happen. what has to be fixed is inside of myself, and i don't want to drag you down while i try to straighten myself out. because i lie too, i lie and say im happy, and everythings really good. and then theres this misery that weighs down my entire body and makes me feel like i can't breathe let alone smile. but of course everyone expects me to be happy go lucky social butterfly, and sometimes thats the worst pressure. and so now i realize that i can't expect that from you either. so yeah, yes, there it is.
and someone told me the other day how envious they were of our relationship, and i realize that i am really envious of that relationship as well, but from the outside of it, as if i was never in it, or it never existed. and all i do know is that there are pieces of me that have come from you, or have been created by you, and i just want to be able to say pickle again or sit on the mailboxes and have it be as special and relaxed as it used to be. i don't know what i want, or what i'm expecting to happen. what has to be fixed is inside of myself, and i don't want to drag you down while i try to straighten myself out. because i lie too, i lie and say im happy, and everythings really good. and then theres this misery that weighs down my entire body and makes me feel like i can't breathe let alone smile. but of course everyone expects me to be happy go lucky social butterfly, and sometimes thats the worst pressure. and so now i realize that i can't expect that from you either. so yeah, yes, there it is.