Dragoooo!
The explosive fallout continues, and I try as best as I can to keep my mind on what I need to do. The exams are imminent, the revision must happen now. I was feeling like I was going to go under, like I was going to allow myself to fall short for a third time, when today I got my final Java assessment. I got 94% in it, and when I worked out the final grade for the module, it came to 91%. Ninety-one percent in a Masters degree-level module. It finally snapped me out of the sinking feeling I'd been getting thinking about how my emotional stability had once again boarded a roller coaster instead of sticking to the teacups. It hurts. I care for her. I care for her deeply in a way I haven't cared about a woman for a long time. But I am standing on the brink of something else, something very good, and I cannot allow myself to be derailed. I have to put her to one side and make one final charge for glory. I have to believe that my time has finally come, because if it doesn't come now, it never will.
In the meantime, I've got to keep the unfortunate incidents to a minimum. In my distraction I've been turning on kettles without any water in them, and walking into doors. The last one, I'm lucky I didn't get a black eye. Had I done so, I would be hard-pressed to explain it away.
How did you get that?
I uh... I walked into a door.
...What?
I just walked into a door. It was my own fault.
...Okay...
I'm just silly, I wasn't paying attention.
...Right, I'm going to give you a number now, and I want you to go to a payphone and call it.
It just wouldn't work. I've also been finding that hard bike rides help. I've been riding several miles every day over some frighteningly hilly terrain, and I'm getting faster. It's certainly a lot better than just lying there staring at things at a 90° angle and letting my eyesight get wonkier. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy cycling. I'm going to try and do it some more.
Now though, back to revision. I've got to remember that I am me, and that I have a duty to myself. I've worked myself into the ground at a relentless pace for months on end now, and I deserve to do justice to myself. From now until the 23rd, this is about what I can do. This is about who I am. No one else must come into this.
In the meantime, I've got to keep the unfortunate incidents to a minimum. In my distraction I've been turning on kettles without any water in them, and walking into doors. The last one, I'm lucky I didn't get a black eye. Had I done so, I would be hard-pressed to explain it away.
How did you get that?
I uh... I walked into a door.
...What?
I just walked into a door. It was my own fault.
...Okay...
I'm just silly, I wasn't paying attention.
...Right, I'm going to give you a number now, and I want you to go to a payphone and call it.
It just wouldn't work. I've also been finding that hard bike rides help. I've been riding several miles every day over some frighteningly hilly terrain, and I'm getting faster. It's certainly a lot better than just lying there staring at things at a 90° angle and letting my eyesight get wonkier. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy cycling. I'm going to try and do it some more.
Now though, back to revision. I've got to remember that I am me, and that I have a duty to myself. I've worked myself into the ground at a relentless pace for months on end now, and I deserve to do justice to myself. From now until the 23rd, this is about what I can do. This is about who I am. No one else must come into this.