...
I'm not sure what to do with this yet...
I only know that I need to put pen to paper...
and i realized that, as my prof read aloud my analysis on Goya's Family of Carlos IV, that i never really stopped writing... it just took a different form.
if anything, at least i have a room of my own again... it was always here and i, idiot that i am, left it... and here i've been wondering how i lost myself... that's how... i gave up my room... but now i have it back again... and i open the door... ppl walk past, poke their heads in and marvel (seriously) at how cool it is... or they stop to talk... and tell me how they thought i was the crazy grumpy girl that lived on the boys side... but no i seem so happy to them... and i am.
it's funny how i got what i thought i wanted... and realized that it wasn't what i wanted... at least not in the form of him... (he needs a nickname..everyone else has one...) at the moment i'm not sure he's worthy of one... and now he's gone... because i made him go... but i don't think i'll miss him... or if i do miss him, i know it's not him i miss... just the sex. but now that i've rid myself of him... suddenly life is simultaneously waiting for me and yet right here, if that makes sense. and it is waiting there... waiting for me to step on that plane...
you know what i want to do? i want to go to hobby lobby, get myself a bubble machine, set it up, open my door, and just fill the hall with joy... and i think i will... i have nothing to lose.
and here i am, listening to that playlist i made so long ago... it must still be here, way back... and it's still as true as it was so long ago. it seems ages ago... it seems that a door unlocked or a window opened and the past reached out. and now its present. i feel so much older... as if it had been years and years. like those months i spent with (oh fuck it) steve were ages. perhaps it was the listlessness that made it seem so. i don't know and at the moment i'm not sure i really care. right now it's not worth caring about... i doubt it will ever be anymore. thank god. but here i am again, back in the present and it's almost bewildering. and i just realized that i never stopped being romantic per se. just not hopeless and not in the hearts and roses way. more like the blowing wind and rustling tree way. perhaps that's the better way. i imagine my mind will always work phantasmagorically. i shall always be plagued by chaos but perhaps its better that way.
i realize i have not been this thoughtful in somewhat complete sentences in quite awhile. i have to make sure to do this when i'm gone. and i'm still not sure of what to do with this. like i said, i'm rather bewildered. i have to say that i was rather surprised that i got that comment. i think i'll just to play it as it lays...
I only know that I need to put pen to paper...
and i realized that, as my prof read aloud my analysis on Goya's Family of Carlos IV, that i never really stopped writing... it just took a different form.
if anything, at least i have a room of my own again... it was always here and i, idiot that i am, left it... and here i've been wondering how i lost myself... that's how... i gave up my room... but now i have it back again... and i open the door... ppl walk past, poke their heads in and marvel (seriously) at how cool it is... or they stop to talk... and tell me how they thought i was the crazy grumpy girl that lived on the boys side... but no i seem so happy to them... and i am.
it's funny how i got what i thought i wanted... and realized that it wasn't what i wanted... at least not in the form of him... (he needs a nickname..everyone else has one...) at the moment i'm not sure he's worthy of one... and now he's gone... because i made him go... but i don't think i'll miss him... or if i do miss him, i know it's not him i miss... just the sex. but now that i've rid myself of him... suddenly life is simultaneously waiting for me and yet right here, if that makes sense. and it is waiting there... waiting for me to step on that plane...
you know what i want to do? i want to go to hobby lobby, get myself a bubble machine, set it up, open my door, and just fill the hall with joy... and i think i will... i have nothing to lose.
and here i am, listening to that playlist i made so long ago... it must still be here, way back... and it's still as true as it was so long ago. it seems ages ago... it seems that a door unlocked or a window opened and the past reached out. and now its present. i feel so much older... as if it had been years and years. like those months i spent with (oh fuck it) steve were ages. perhaps it was the listlessness that made it seem so. i don't know and at the moment i'm not sure i really care. right now it's not worth caring about... i doubt it will ever be anymore. thank god. but here i am again, back in the present and it's almost bewildering. and i just realized that i never stopped being romantic per se. just not hopeless and not in the hearts and roses way. more like the blowing wind and rustling tree way. perhaps that's the better way. i imagine my mind will always work phantasmagorically. i shall always be plagued by chaos but perhaps its better that way.
i realize i have not been this thoughtful in somewhat complete sentences in quite awhile. i have to make sure to do this when i'm gone. and i'm still not sure of what to do with this. like i said, i'm rather bewildered. i have to say that i was rather surprised that i got that comment. i think i'll just to play it as it lays...