i'm searching for a hand that i can hold
In other news, I really, really love Margaret Atwood. I am ashamed that I discovered her works so late in life, (about two years ago) when I really would have gone into complete literary fangirl mode for them around high school years, when I was wasting time by reading the latter half of Anne Rice's vampire series. Right now I'm reading Alias Grace, which is about celebrated 'murderess' Grace Marks, and so far it's a lovely and horrifying view into insane asylums during the time period, and gender, and class, and all of those other such topics that Margaret Atwood does well. Also, her prose. I love her prose. It's so thoughtful and expressive, and almost train of consciousness- just a little breath of it, enough to make me sink into the perspective even more. Her books are like dark chocolate to me.
I had a bad dream about my grandfather dying last night, which was so intense it gave me grief pains all the way through the dream. Has anyone ever felt like crying very, very badly, but just couldn't let the tears go, either for reasons of pride or because you were too emotionally wracked to even cry? Your throat closes up tightly and it feels like something is going to burst and explode? Yes, like that. I was sitting in the guest room that used to be my aunt's room, going through photographs of him and thinking that I wouldn't be able to watch a movie with him anymore- which is something that he says he'll do with every visit, but we never get around to doing.
See, I don't have nightmares like normal people. All of mine are about people I'm close to dying. I've never had someone I really love die, but all of my nightmares, when I have them, share that theme. Usually it's when someone I'm close to is on a trip or away from me, but sometimes they just hit randomly, like the dream I had about my baby nephew getting into a car accident, or the one about my grandfather just recently. I don't think they signify anything aside from my subconscious worries though, but I haven't actually been worrying about Pappy recently. Anyway, I called him up at a nice time, when I figured they'd both be awake, and had a long phone conversation with them. And now I'm demanding that he come and watch a movie with me, because that dream left me with a feeling of urgency.
I had a bad dream about my grandfather dying last night, which was so intense it gave me grief pains all the way through the dream. Has anyone ever felt like crying very, very badly, but just couldn't let the tears go, either for reasons of pride or because you were too emotionally wracked to even cry? Your throat closes up tightly and it feels like something is going to burst and explode? Yes, like that. I was sitting in the guest room that used to be my aunt's room, going through photographs of him and thinking that I wouldn't be able to watch a movie with him anymore- which is something that he says he'll do with every visit, but we never get around to doing.
See, I don't have nightmares like normal people. All of mine are about people I'm close to dying. I've never had someone I really love die, but all of my nightmares, when I have them, share that theme. Usually it's when someone I'm close to is on a trip or away from me, but sometimes they just hit randomly, like the dream I had about my baby nephew getting into a car accident, or the one about my grandfather just recently. I don't think they signify anything aside from my subconscious worries though, but I haven't actually been worrying about Pappy recently. Anyway, I called him up at a nice time, when I figured they'd both be awake, and had a long phone conversation with them. And now I'm demanding that he come and watch a movie with me, because that dream left me with a feeling of urgency.