not afraid to fall [chapter 19]
Title: not afraid to fall [chapter 19]
Author: ivoryroyale
Genre: supernatural, friendship, drama, hurt/comfort
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: language
Summary: in which a group of six aren't afraid to stand tall because they have each other.
Note: 5,343 words.
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[prologue] [chapter 1] [chapter 2] [chapter 3] [chapter 4] [chapter 5] [chapter 6] [ chapter 7] [chapter 8] [ chapter 9] [chapter 10] [chapter 11] [ chapter 12] [chapter 13] [chapter 14] [ chapter 15] [ chapter 16] [ chapter 17] [ chapter 18] [ chapter 19] [ chapter 20]
not afraid to fall
chapter nineteen
Youngjae finds Jongup at the very top of the stairs, walking down each step--quickly and quicker. So quick that Youngjae has to full on sprint to catch up to him, so he won't take another step toward the kitchen and Himchan and possibly even Yongguk, because if he did, and Himchan saw the state of him, Youngjae would get a earful.
He grabs a handful of the back of Jongup's loose t-shirt an pulls--hard and sharp--enough to send the younger nearly falling backwards. (If he hadn't have been holding on to the railing, he probably would have.) And Jongup yelps while Youngjae apologizes, a little out of breath, feet hanging off the step of the stair he's standing on.
"Sorry," Youngjae says again, grip loosening on his shirt and smoothing out the creases once Jongup turns around, looking like he's been on some kind of death rollercoaster, and that's enough to get Youngjae's head to start reeling and his face to scrunch up into a mixture of confusion and concern. His thoughts bundle together in a mixture of senses, and his eyes scrutinize every little detail in the few seconds that he stares at Jongup. He's distracted, Youngjae notes. Jongup isn't thinking straight--he can barely think at all, he realizes--because a moment before he could hardly make it down the steps of the stairs without tripping. He had a death grip on the railing, and right now, he's rubbing at the back of his neck and the hair at the nape like he's trying to think, but it's not working, because he's tapping his foot too, like he's annoyed about something. He smells like wood and soap and dryer sheets and paint, and Youngjae sees fatigue laced with a hint of surprise in the whites of his eyes even though Jongup's trying to bring the corners of his mouth up into a smile Youngjae can barely see.
And beneath that, Youngjae sees red, like Jongup's been scrubbing at his face way too hard with a wash cloth. Like he's trying to hide the fact his eyes are red by making the rest of his face even redder.
Youngjae's mouth sets into a thin line.
"Have you been crying?"
Jongup looks a little alarmed, and Youngjae can see his head start to shake no, so he just latches his hand around the boy's wrist without a word and drags him back up the stairs.
"Um," Jongup says, wrist twitching in Youngjae's grip, but nonetheless, he doesn't pull away, even though he knows he'd be able to overpower Youngjae without needing a single ounce of his power. "you're covered in paint, hyung." He says obviously--no doubt trying to change the subject or loosen the unmistakable tension in the air. Youngjae does nothing more than tug harder, taking the steps two at a time, silently calculating the amount of time it'll take for them to get inside his or Youngjae's room to talk, taking into account the slowness of his steps, the anxiousness in Jongup's and how he can almost hear Himchan nearing the staircase--
By the time he hears Himchan calling up to them from the bottom of the stairs, Youngjae estimates it taking them a mere fifteen point six seconds more to get to his room. "Hey, guys, time for dinner," Himchan announces, peering up the stairs to look at them, and Youngjae tightens his hold on Jongup's wrist just the slightest and gulps, like that's enough to keep Himchan from seeing him, covered head to toe in paint.
He's dead--so, so dead--if Himchan sees the state of him. Himchan's going to yell at him to death and then he's going to bring him back to life and then he's going to yell at him to death all over again if he sees him, so instead of facing him like the almost-man he's supposed to be, Youngjae decides to cower behind Jongup who has this look on his face like he knows why Youngjae's scared and like he wants to lie to Himchan to protect Youngjae, but at the same time he doesn't, because it's Himchan and Jongup doesn't really lie. "Er," Jongup stutters, shifting on his spot on the stairs discreetly, and Youngjae thinks he's trying to shield him from Himchan's line of view--he's even going as far as to tiptoe. "I'll be down in a sec, Himchannie hyung! Go ahead and start serving the food or... something. Without me! I just have to do something real quick."
There's a slight quirk to Himchan's eyebrows as he tilts his head to the side, scrutinizing the slight nervousness in Jongup's demeanor and how he's tapping his feet and trying to stand taller all at the same time. "You okay?" He asks, sounding overly suspicious, emphasizing and drawing out the 'y' in 'okay'. Youngjae crouches down a little behind Jongup's t-shirt when he sees Himchan taking a step up the stairs.
"Uh... yep. Never better."
"Then why are you acting so jumpy?"
Jongup looks down at Youngjae then, like he's asking him--pleading with his eyes--what he's supposed to say now, and Youngjae shakes his head, hand making a cutting motion on his throat, hoping he's gotten his point across that Jongup should just stop talking, because he's not good at this. At all. Especially when it comes to Himchan.
Instead of stopping, he turns around.
"You know," Jongup starts, arm coming up to scratch at the back of his neck before he's pointing at the ceiling with his usual smile on his face, "it's probably just the lighting."
Youngjae swipes a slow palm down his face.
"You sure?" Himchan asks, pursing his lips and biting the insides of his cheeks. He looks concerned--which is typical for Himchan--and the look on his face almost makes Youngjae think that he actually knows what's going on for once, but then he says something that Youngjae really wishes he didn't hear or at least wasn't here to listen to. "Is this about Daehyun?"
Embarrassment lights up on Jongup's face like a wild fire, and Youngjae has to smile to at least reassure Jongup, because he looks near tears and almost apologetic, like he knows how big of a crush Youngjae has on Daehyun and how so mortifying this is for the both of them. "No--Himchannie hyung--that's not--"
"Because we can talk, you know. If you want."
"Hyung--"
"I mean, you shouldn't feel embarrassed or anything; I know how you feel."
"I know that, hyung. But he--"
Himchan's face suddenly turns sour. "''But he' what? He didn't reject you, did he?"
"What--no!"
"Because if he did I can--"
"Hyung, can you please just stop for one second?" Jongup suddenly shouts, throwing his hands out and everything, and Youngjae feels a little sorry he dragged Jongup into this and a bit proud Jongup actually stood up for himself. There's a hint of shock on Himchan's face, and Jongup still looks kind of upset, eyebrows furrowed together and mouth set into an uneven line--face red like he's beyond embarrassed. Youngjae has to admit he's a bit shocked, too. "He didn't, alright? In fact, he didn't say anything about it at all, so I'm fine! Daehyun hyung and I are fine! Nothing's wrong with either of us--now, can we please stop talking about this, because I just--I really need to go!"
And then Jongup is the one grabbing onto Youngjae, fingers intertwining with his fluorescent stained t-shirt, and he's practically dragging Youngjae into his room, enough to nearly tear the shirt under his grip. And even though Youngjae's fairly occupied with the body heat--the pure anger vibrating off of Jongup's body and the way his teeth are grinding together so loud it's hurting Youngjae's ears, Youngjae still catches Himchan from outside the door and down the stairs, saying, almost as if he were right next to them, "I swear to God, Youngjae, if that is paint you have all over you; your rainbow ass is so grounded."
For a few moments, Youngjae and Jongup just stand there--Jongup leaning against his door, trying to get his breathing in order and his anger to a minimum and Youngjae shifting from foot to foot, biting at his lip, trying to get all his senses under control because all this tension is making his head dizzy and he really does not feel like passing out from over stimulation from use of his power. (It's happened before, and it's probably the worst feeling in the history of the world.)
The only thing on Youngjae's mind is the silence--how, after three minutes, Jongup still manages to stay silent, hands pressed tight against his eyes like he's trying to keep from punching something--and he figures, maybe the best thing to do right now is leave him alone. He knows Jongup isn't like other people when he's mad--he's not like Himchan who wants you to poke and prod and give him attention until he finally spills and tells you what's wrong. Jongup likes being alone when he's angry--furious even--because he hates showing people his ugly sides, no matter how insignificant they are. He hates being angry not for the reason it makes himself feel shitty, but because he thinks it makes other people feel shitty.
So instead of standing there, looking like a shell-shocked idiot (like how he imagines anybody else would be in a situation like this), Youngjae marches into Jongup's bathroom and says, "I'm going to use your sink, okay?" like nothing's wrong with either of them, like they don't feel like punching a hole into something (because Youngjae sure as hell knows he's going to want to punch something after this conversation). And it's like any other occasion. It's like any other time where Jongup isn't angry and Youngjae isn't about to talk to Jongup about dating and Daehyun (and it's almost wrong to think about those two words in the same sentence, but he's starting not to care because he thinks he'd rather see Jongup and Daehyun happy together than awkward and floundering around for each other's attention).
The bathroom sink has water all over the counter, and Youngjae thinks he was probably right about Jongup crying and then nearly scrubbing his face off with soap so that everybody else wouldn't be able to tell he was. (The thought makes Youngjae's stomach turn in a funny sort of way, and it makes him kind of angry to some extent, because Jongup should be happy. Youngjae's supposed to be the one drowning in his misery and this is kind of really unfair to him in a twisted sort of way.) "Paint is fucking ridiculous, I'm telling you." Youngjae says, trying to ignore everything else--focusing entirely on the present and ignoring his own feelings in favor of Jongup's and Daehyun's no matter how hard it is--and looking into the mirror at (what is supposed to be but doesn't look like at all) his reflection--all dirtied and stained. And it's sort of ironic--how his outer appearance can match so well with how he's feeling right now.
Like a mess.
There's an airy sort of laugh bubbling out of Jongup's mouth, and the tension starts to ease out of the awkward atmosphere. Youngjae can't help but feel a little bit relieved by this, and it makes the anger in the pit of his stomach cool down a bit, just enough for him to turn on the sink without his fingers shaking and to dip his head under the coolness of the water, running along his neck and dripping down the edges of his jawline. He grabs for the bar of soap then, scratching his fingers into his hair and blanching when he can actually feel the dried paint under his fingertips. "Seriously though, come help me out, will you? This stuff is gross." He shouts, and over the running water and his fingers turning numb, Jongup's stumbling over his feet to get to the bathroom, footsteps uncoordinated and loud against the wood flooring--and it's enough to make Youngjae chuckle at him--to laugh and wonder how the hell he managed to lose in love against someone so ungraceful and awkward.
And then Youngjae feels guilty, all over again, and Jongup's as oblivious as ever, cheeks tinted a slight red and fringe dangling in front of his face, silently carrying the shampoo and conditioner from the shower to the counter, right next to Youngjae's elbow, sticking out of the sink bowl at an awkward angle. "What the heck happened to you, by the way?" The younger asks, and even though Youngjae's head is still ducked underneath the sink, he can still imagine Jongup tilting his head to the side, eyeing Youngjae's hair while simultaneously popping open the cap of the shampoo and carelessly squeezing it all over the mess of paint.
"Daehyun thought it'd be funny to start a paint war " Youngjae answers simply, and then Jongup's hands are tightening into his hair, curling around his brunette locks with an iron grip. It stings, and Jongup probably doesn't even realize he's doing it, because his ability's kind of hard to feel (like, he has no idea when he's using it), but Youngjae's too stubborn to actually cry out, so he's stuck standing there, biting on his tongue while Jongup continues, running his hands through his scalp like an anvil.
Youngjae takes note to avoid mentioning Daehyun and him around Jongup, especially when he has his hands on him.
"Oh, that sounds like fun..." Jongup mumbles, and his grip sort of slackens--not because he realized he was hurting Youngjae (if it was for that reason, he'd have let go completely, apologies slipping clumsily off of his tongue), but because he's... he's something. Something Youngjae has trouble naming. Something sad and dejected a disappointed. Like something extremely horrible that he's been trying to deny has just been proven right, a fact, concrete. And his ability's dropping along with his heart.
Youngjae can't help but feel like it's partially his fault that Jongup's feeling like this, and it sort of scares him because somewhere--somewhere deep down--he feels pleased. Pleased that he made Jongup feel just as horrible as he did. A sense of accomplishment in the back of his head telling him that yes, he deserves this. He deserves this for making you feel so pathetic, so alone, so stupid.
And Youngjae feels scared and guilty and scared, scared, scared.
"No," Youngjae says, out loud, and he can practically feel Jongup's hands tense up a bit, like he senses he might have done something wrong. Like he can read every single sentence in Youngjae's head that blames him for everything. But before he has a chance to process Youngjae's words, to figure out that Youngjae doesn't quite understand what the hell is happening to him and his head and how it's terrifying him so much, Youngjae continues, "no, Jongup. It wasn't fun at all."
And Jongup calms down a little bit and says, "Oh." Like he doesn't really believe Youngjae. Like he saw every single bit of it and there isn't a single thing he can say that'll convince him otherwise.
"Yeah, I mean, look at me, Jongup," Youngjae makes a show of trying to stick his arms out, but in the position he's in, he only manages to get his elbow lodged somewhere between Jongup's rib cage and his eyes sprayed with water. "I look like a freakin' clown."
Jongup snorts. "Really?" He asks, sarcasm lacing each and every syllable with a smile tied somewhere in between. "Cause I totally didn't notice."
"Hey, watch it," Youngjae laughs, sticking his elbow a little bit further into Jongup's chest. Jongup has enough time to let out a little 'oof' before Youngjae cranes his neck and catches a quick glimpse of Jongup's face in the mirror. He laughs a little bit harder at the sight of Jongup's eyes squeezed tight, mouth caught somewhere between a half-grimace and a small smile. "Sarcasm isn't exactly the safest way to tread in the position you're in."
"Alright, alright," Jongup exclaims, somewhat out of breath and stuck between feeling offended and amused. "I'm sorry, hyung," Jongup says, squeezing at the back of Youngjae's neck gently, "now can you please just move your elbow?"
"I don't know; can I?"
"Oh, come on, hyung, that's not funny."
"You sure?" Youngjae says, retracting his elbow even as he continues, "cause from here it looks pretty funny."
"Ha. Ha. You're hilarious." But, despite the sarcasm, Youngjae sees the smile on his face, and he's kind of happy he's still able to do this. Still able to get Jongup to smile and laugh and forget about all the bad things even after all this time. Even after all the thoughts--threatening and malicious--Youngjae's had about him.
There's a long silence after that, the only sound being of running water and mingling breaths, and it's relaxing and probably just what Jongup needs after all this chaos and activity and all these unwanted feelings mixed with heartache, because it's definitely something Youngjae's been yearning for ever since Daehyun and him came home from shopping only to find a broken home.
It makes it hard though, knowing one of them is going to have to break it sooner or later. Knowing after the silence ends, Youngjae's going to open his big, fat, stupid mouth, and Daehyun and Jongup are probably going to be together.
The silence ends almost instantly then.
"Hey, Jongup?" Youngjae says, voice just above a mere whisper, and he almost thinks Jongup doesn't hear him over the water, because the younger doesn't even twitch, doesn't even bat an eyelash when he softly skims his hand over the hairs on the back of Youngjae neck and hums a cheerful, "yes, hyung?" like he knows Youngjae's completely opposed to initiating this conversation and he's trying ever so gently to pry it out of him.
And the blunt question after that does its job of crushing whatever safe ground Youngjae and Jongup could ever establish between them. "How do you feel about Daehyun?"
There's another long silence after that, but it's not the kind Youngjae wants. It's not peaceful or comfortable or safe.
It's unwelcome.
"Excuse me?" Jongup struggles, voice wavering and hands quivering at the back of Youngjae's neck. Without a warning, Youngjae straightens up and Jongup takes a giant step back, like he's just been accused of murder and Youngjae was some sort of witness or victim he hurt. Youngjae has to ignore whatever idea he has of taking what he said back.
Through wet bangs and glossy eyes, Youngjae says in a voice even quieter than before, "What kind of feelings do you have for Daehyun?" and it's completely sound and patient--he doesn't even sound accusing, but Jongup still manages to find something wrong with it, because he's still trying to back away from Youngjae, even though a wall's standing resolutely behind him, trapping whatever means of escape he has. Youngjae steps his way in front of the door when he sees Jongup's eyes ghosting over the frame. "Jongup, seriously, I'm not going to yell at you or anything. Why are you trying to run away from this?"
"Running? Who's running? I'm not running." Jongup denies, eyes looking anywhere but at Youngjae, voice entirely too quiet.
"Only because I'm blocking your only way out." Youngjae points out obviously, standing his ground in front of the door and crossing his arms across his chest.
"Well, I still wouldn't run."
Youngjae tosses him a look and Jongup catches it, cowering a little backward, looking ashamed and embarrassed and so mortified.
Youngjae feels just about the same.
"Look," The older boy starts (even though he doesn't even know where to start), feeling a little bit cornered himself, "I don't care how you feel about Daehyun." Which was a lie. Because he did care. He cared a lot. And the look that Jongup gives him tells him he knows Youngjae's lying, right through his teeth, but Jongup still doesn't say anything about it, and it bothers the hell out of Youngjae because does Jongup know something he shouldn't? "What's that look for?" Youngjae demands, and this is all bad, because he's getting annoyed and this isn't how he wanted this talk to go. He wanted to be composed. Wanted to be emotionless and indifferent about the whole thing, but instead he's having second thoughts and he's getting angry and why couldn't it have been him?
Jongup shuffles his feet around and Youngjae can't help the heated glare he throws in Jongup's direction. "Don't get angry."
"I'm not angry." Youngjae states, smoothing his wet hair out of his face, before admitting that yeah, he is a little angry and the tables are turning on him right away and way too quick for comfort. He takes a breath. "I'm not angry," He repeats, more convincingly, "just... tell me what that look was."
Jongup gives Youngjae this apologetic glance and takes a deep breath before saying, way too fast and way too sure, "I know you're in love with Daehyun hyung."
And Youngjae can't even hide the bright red blush creeping its way from his ears to his nose. "Am not." He lies, and he despairs at the fact that he's resulted to first grade responses to things like this.
"And I know that there's something going on between you two."
"Okay, hold on," Youngjae says, feeling a little bit hysterical, because Jongup has no right to say something like that when he doesn't even see the horrible sparkle in Daehyun's eyes, hear the inevitable increase in his heartbeat, or the feel of all the adoration slipping out of his actions whenever he's with Jongup. It's not fair--not to Youngjae--when the person his crush is in love with accuses him of something like that and just that is enough to send Youngjae off the deep end, "there's nothing going on between Daehyun and I, okay? Nothing."
"Oh?" Jongup says, sounding completely unconvinced, and Youngjae flushes just a bit more, feeling flustered and trapped. "Because you sure seemed more than friendly when you two were flirting in his room."
Youngjae feels a huge spark of indifference lighting up at the bottom of his spine before he hears himself nearly shouting, voice indignant and just a little bit higher in pitch, "Flirting? You thought that was flirting?" The look on Jongup's face is all the answer he needs. "Oh my God, we weren't flirting, are you crazy?"
"What the hell were you two talking about then? Cause it sure didn't look too friendly."
"We were talking about you, you idiot." Youngjae screams, throwing it right into Jongup face, without even a warning, and Youngjae doesn't even care. He was planning on doing this gently, planning on telling him slowly like the great hyung he is, but now he's way too angry to think about doing this kindly, and Jongup's completely shocked face is too worth it at the moment to regret this. (But at the same time, Youngjae's still angry, because that should be him. He really, really wanted it to be him.)
He gives Jongup a few minutes to recover and soon enough, a few seconds later, the younger is choking out a soft, "Me?"
"Yeah," Youngjae spits out, nodding his head, and feeling a soft, sinking feeling in his stomach and a fresh sting of tears at the back of his eyes. He blinks them away, "you." His heart catches somewhere in his throat and he feels the anger dying down, being replaced with pure sadness, bitter surrender settling in his actions. "Like it's always been. And it annoys the crap out of me, because no matter what I do, no matter what I try to do--" And Youngjae pauses just for a bit, long enough to look at Jongup and see the complete hurt and shock and guilt. Guilt that Daehyun chose him over Youngjae and he had no idea, "no matter what the hell I do, even if I somehow found a way to... to travel back in time and change it," A short puff of laughter travels it's way through his clenched teeth and he has to pause and shake his head because this is ridiculous and he really doesn't need to say all of this, but now that he's started he can't seem to stop, even though the look on Jongup's face is making his heart hurt, "he would still. Choose. You. And--and it really fucking sucks. A lot. But I would rather have you and him together instead of waiting around for Daehyun to realize what the hell I'm feeling instead of just you, okay?" It sounds more like a suggestion instead of an outright demand, and to Jongup, it probably is, because despite the fact that he knows it's hurting Youngjae to talk about this, Youngjae can still see the ring of joy tracing the outline of his dilated pupils, and he's probably enjoying every little bit of this information underneath all of the guilt. "I would rather have you two together than to wait for him to find out one day and reject me." Youngjae rephrases, voice much softer as he stares down at his feet, tired of analyzing every little bit of emotion flashing across Jongup's features.
It takes a few seconds for Jongup to find his voice again, and when he does, when he finally musters up enough sanity to form a single word, Youngjae can't really take it anymore, and he just wants to leave. He wants to leave and go downstairs and grab two plates of kimchi and bolt his way up to Junhong's room and lock himself in there because that's the only place he knows he's safe. "Youngjae, I--"
"No," Youngjae says desperately, huffing another slight breath, and tossing the word out into the air as strong as he can (but it sounds so weak and tired and just plain sad), "no. Don't you dare say anything about it, okay? Don't try to apologize and don't you dare try to deny it, because now you know it's true, and there's nothing holding you back from marching into Daehyun's room and telling him that--that you love him." His voice cracks a little on the word 'love'. "And that's all there is to it, alright? That's all I wanted to say, and you better do something about it before I start... before I start screaming."
And before Jongup has a chance to get another word in, Youngjae's dashing out of Jongup's bathroom, all the way down to the kitchen.
The moment Youngjae marches down the stairs, new set of clothes tossed on and hair dripping wet with speckles of paint dancing across the skin of his neck, Himchan passes him a plate of kimchi, face completely indifferent, glaring ruthlessly at the younger. "Nice to see my somewhat son isn't wearing a complete set of crayola crayons anymore." He says, sass dripping off his vocal chords, hoping to get a reaction out of the younger, but getting completely nothing instead.
Something wasn't right.
"Hey, are you alright?" Himchan asks, decidedly choosing to postpone his lecture to sometime in the future. Youngjae's happiness is conclusively a lot more important than spending hours scrubbing paint out of a few fabrics of cloth, even though it was increasingly more difficult. "That usually would have gotten some sort of reaction from you. Did something happen between you and Jongup?" A sudden spark of recognition ignites at the back of Himchan's head and he leans in a little bit closer to Youngjae, eyes ghosting over the blonde sitting silently at the table already, taking a huge bite of his plate of food. "Do you know about his situation now?"
And that apparently wasn't the right thing to say, because Youngjae eyes turn a little bit darker and his jaw tightens up like he's preparing for a smack to the face. "Yeah." The genius says quietly, "yeah, I know." And before Himchan has a chance to prod any further, Youngjae is stepping forward toward the food and trying to serve another plate.
"Err, what're you doing?" Himchan questions, gaining the immediate attention of Daehyun mid-bite.
"Getting a plate for Junhong." Youngjae answers simply.
Himchan mouths a little 'o' of recognition. "Yongguk already took care of that."
The explanation seems to further upset Youngjae's mood, and Himchan really wants to know what the hell happened upstairs, but decides it's not exactly the best idea with the possible center of the conversation sitting right in front of him on the kitchen table, stuffing his face with as much kimchi as possible. "You think I can go join them?" The request sounds more like a plea to Himchan's ears, and he almost wants to tell him that he can, only Yongguk told him specifically not to let anybody interrupt, because he was going to attempt discussing that day with Junhong and he didn't want any of the kids hearing anything about it.
And honestly, Himchan didn't want himself to hear about it, let alone any of the kids.
"No can do, Youngjae, sorry," Himchan says, "but, hey, you still have Daehyun and me! Well... mostly me. Daehyun over here might be a little busy gorging himself with food."
As if on cue, the blonde glances up at Himchan, a shovel of food hanging out of his mouth. Himchan feels a little prickle of disgust making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. "Huh?" He asks through the mouthful.
"Daehyun please--please--do not talk with your mouth full. It is not sightly at all." Honestly, what in the world does Jongup see in you? Himchan thinks helplessly, feeling a small spark of possessiveness creeping up on him. Jongup was the closest thing Himchan had to an adoring son, and now that another person has jeopardized that lovely imagine, Himchan can't help but feel a tiny bit threatened. (Himchan may still have Junhong, but he was the farthest thing from adoring there was.
And now he might not even have that.
And Himchan completely shuts out whatever thought he was going to think then. Whatever thought about Junhong and pain and--)
Sorry. he blonde writes, carefully chewing whatever food he still had in his mouth while he wrote on a post-it, staining the paper with grease.
Himchan wasn't even going to bother telling him just how unsightly that was. "Do you know if Jongup's going to be down anytime soon?" The second oldest questions, looking over at Youngjae with imploring eyes and a curious mind. The only thing the genius does in reply is drag his plate over to the far end of the opposite side of the table--far away from both Himchan and Daehyun--sitting as silent as possible and staring almost depressingly down at his food as he shakes his head quickly, catching a quick peek at Daehyun. Himchan thinks Youngjae's trying to warn him of the specific reason why Jongup won't be down anytime soon, and he wonders if he should just give up and bring Jongup's plate to his room.
Actually, that's not such a bad idea--it'll give Himchan enough time to get updated on the whole situation.
"Kay, well, I'm gonna go pay our favorite bodybuilder a visit." Himchan says smoothly, casting furtive glances between Daehyun and Youngjae. When he gets back, he hopes Youngjae will be in a better mood and more responsive to answering questions. "You two have fun!" He exclaims, grabbing two plates of kimchi: one for him and one for Jongup, before making his way out of the kitchen and up the stairs, leaving Daehyun and Youngjae completely alone.
Unaware that that was probably one of the worst decisions he could have made.
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Previous | Next
Author: ivoryroyale
Genre: supernatural, friendship, drama, hurt/comfort
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: language
Summary: in which a group of six aren't afraid to stand tall because they have each other.
Note: 5,343 words.
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[prologue] [chapter 1] [chapter 2] [chapter 3] [chapter 4] [chapter 5] [chapter 6] [ chapter 7] [chapter 8] [ chapter 9] [chapter 10] [chapter 11] [ chapter 12] [chapter 13] [chapter 14] [ chapter 15] [ chapter 16] [ chapter 17] [ chapter 18] [ chapter 19] [ chapter 20]
not afraid to fall
chapter nineteen
Youngjae finds Jongup at the very top of the stairs, walking down each step--quickly and quicker. So quick that Youngjae has to full on sprint to catch up to him, so he won't take another step toward the kitchen and Himchan and possibly even Yongguk, because if he did, and Himchan saw the state of him, Youngjae would get a earful.
He grabs a handful of the back of Jongup's loose t-shirt an pulls--hard and sharp--enough to send the younger nearly falling backwards. (If he hadn't have been holding on to the railing, he probably would have.) And Jongup yelps while Youngjae apologizes, a little out of breath, feet hanging off the step of the stair he's standing on.
"Sorry," Youngjae says again, grip loosening on his shirt and smoothing out the creases once Jongup turns around, looking like he's been on some kind of death rollercoaster, and that's enough to get Youngjae's head to start reeling and his face to scrunch up into a mixture of confusion and concern. His thoughts bundle together in a mixture of senses, and his eyes scrutinize every little detail in the few seconds that he stares at Jongup. He's distracted, Youngjae notes. Jongup isn't thinking straight--he can barely think at all, he realizes--because a moment before he could hardly make it down the steps of the stairs without tripping. He had a death grip on the railing, and right now, he's rubbing at the back of his neck and the hair at the nape like he's trying to think, but it's not working, because he's tapping his foot too, like he's annoyed about something. He smells like wood and soap and dryer sheets and paint, and Youngjae sees fatigue laced with a hint of surprise in the whites of his eyes even though Jongup's trying to bring the corners of his mouth up into a smile Youngjae can barely see.
And beneath that, Youngjae sees red, like Jongup's been scrubbing at his face way too hard with a wash cloth. Like he's trying to hide the fact his eyes are red by making the rest of his face even redder.
Youngjae's mouth sets into a thin line.
"Have you been crying?"
Jongup looks a little alarmed, and Youngjae can see his head start to shake no, so he just latches his hand around the boy's wrist without a word and drags him back up the stairs.
"Um," Jongup says, wrist twitching in Youngjae's grip, but nonetheless, he doesn't pull away, even though he knows he'd be able to overpower Youngjae without needing a single ounce of his power. "you're covered in paint, hyung." He says obviously--no doubt trying to change the subject or loosen the unmistakable tension in the air. Youngjae does nothing more than tug harder, taking the steps two at a time, silently calculating the amount of time it'll take for them to get inside his or Youngjae's room to talk, taking into account the slowness of his steps, the anxiousness in Jongup's and how he can almost hear Himchan nearing the staircase--
By the time he hears Himchan calling up to them from the bottom of the stairs, Youngjae estimates it taking them a mere fifteen point six seconds more to get to his room. "Hey, guys, time for dinner," Himchan announces, peering up the stairs to look at them, and Youngjae tightens his hold on Jongup's wrist just the slightest and gulps, like that's enough to keep Himchan from seeing him, covered head to toe in paint.
He's dead--so, so dead--if Himchan sees the state of him. Himchan's going to yell at him to death and then he's going to bring him back to life and then he's going to yell at him to death all over again if he sees him, so instead of facing him like the almost-man he's supposed to be, Youngjae decides to cower behind Jongup who has this look on his face like he knows why Youngjae's scared and like he wants to lie to Himchan to protect Youngjae, but at the same time he doesn't, because it's Himchan and Jongup doesn't really lie. "Er," Jongup stutters, shifting on his spot on the stairs discreetly, and Youngjae thinks he's trying to shield him from Himchan's line of view--he's even going as far as to tiptoe. "I'll be down in a sec, Himchannie hyung! Go ahead and start serving the food or... something. Without me! I just have to do something real quick."
There's a slight quirk to Himchan's eyebrows as he tilts his head to the side, scrutinizing the slight nervousness in Jongup's demeanor and how he's tapping his feet and trying to stand taller all at the same time. "You okay?" He asks, sounding overly suspicious, emphasizing and drawing out the 'y' in 'okay'. Youngjae crouches down a little behind Jongup's t-shirt when he sees Himchan taking a step up the stairs.
"Uh... yep. Never better."
"Then why are you acting so jumpy?"
Jongup looks down at Youngjae then, like he's asking him--pleading with his eyes--what he's supposed to say now, and Youngjae shakes his head, hand making a cutting motion on his throat, hoping he's gotten his point across that Jongup should just stop talking, because he's not good at this. At all. Especially when it comes to Himchan.
Instead of stopping, he turns around.
"You know," Jongup starts, arm coming up to scratch at the back of his neck before he's pointing at the ceiling with his usual smile on his face, "it's probably just the lighting."
Youngjae swipes a slow palm down his face.
"You sure?" Himchan asks, pursing his lips and biting the insides of his cheeks. He looks concerned--which is typical for Himchan--and the look on his face almost makes Youngjae think that he actually knows what's going on for once, but then he says something that Youngjae really wishes he didn't hear or at least wasn't here to listen to. "Is this about Daehyun?"
Embarrassment lights up on Jongup's face like a wild fire, and Youngjae has to smile to at least reassure Jongup, because he looks near tears and almost apologetic, like he knows how big of a crush Youngjae has on Daehyun and how so mortifying this is for the both of them. "No--Himchannie hyung--that's not--"
"Because we can talk, you know. If you want."
"Hyung--"
"I mean, you shouldn't feel embarrassed or anything; I know how you feel."
"I know that, hyung. But he--"
Himchan's face suddenly turns sour. "''But he' what? He didn't reject you, did he?"
"What--no!"
"Because if he did I can--"
"Hyung, can you please just stop for one second?" Jongup suddenly shouts, throwing his hands out and everything, and Youngjae feels a little sorry he dragged Jongup into this and a bit proud Jongup actually stood up for himself. There's a hint of shock on Himchan's face, and Jongup still looks kind of upset, eyebrows furrowed together and mouth set into an uneven line--face red like he's beyond embarrassed. Youngjae has to admit he's a bit shocked, too. "He didn't, alright? In fact, he didn't say anything about it at all, so I'm fine! Daehyun hyung and I are fine! Nothing's wrong with either of us--now, can we please stop talking about this, because I just--I really need to go!"
And then Jongup is the one grabbing onto Youngjae, fingers intertwining with his fluorescent stained t-shirt, and he's practically dragging Youngjae into his room, enough to nearly tear the shirt under his grip. And even though Youngjae's fairly occupied with the body heat--the pure anger vibrating off of Jongup's body and the way his teeth are grinding together so loud it's hurting Youngjae's ears, Youngjae still catches Himchan from outside the door and down the stairs, saying, almost as if he were right next to them, "I swear to God, Youngjae, if that is paint you have all over you; your rainbow ass is so grounded."
For a few moments, Youngjae and Jongup just stand there--Jongup leaning against his door, trying to get his breathing in order and his anger to a minimum and Youngjae shifting from foot to foot, biting at his lip, trying to get all his senses under control because all this tension is making his head dizzy and he really does not feel like passing out from over stimulation from use of his power. (It's happened before, and it's probably the worst feeling in the history of the world.)
The only thing on Youngjae's mind is the silence--how, after three minutes, Jongup still manages to stay silent, hands pressed tight against his eyes like he's trying to keep from punching something--and he figures, maybe the best thing to do right now is leave him alone. He knows Jongup isn't like other people when he's mad--he's not like Himchan who wants you to poke and prod and give him attention until he finally spills and tells you what's wrong. Jongup likes being alone when he's angry--furious even--because he hates showing people his ugly sides, no matter how insignificant they are. He hates being angry not for the reason it makes himself feel shitty, but because he thinks it makes other people feel shitty.
So instead of standing there, looking like a shell-shocked idiot (like how he imagines anybody else would be in a situation like this), Youngjae marches into Jongup's bathroom and says, "I'm going to use your sink, okay?" like nothing's wrong with either of them, like they don't feel like punching a hole into something (because Youngjae sure as hell knows he's going to want to punch something after this conversation). And it's like any other occasion. It's like any other time where Jongup isn't angry and Youngjae isn't about to talk to Jongup about dating and Daehyun (and it's almost wrong to think about those two words in the same sentence, but he's starting not to care because he thinks he'd rather see Jongup and Daehyun happy together than awkward and floundering around for each other's attention).
The bathroom sink has water all over the counter, and Youngjae thinks he was probably right about Jongup crying and then nearly scrubbing his face off with soap so that everybody else wouldn't be able to tell he was. (The thought makes Youngjae's stomach turn in a funny sort of way, and it makes him kind of angry to some extent, because Jongup should be happy. Youngjae's supposed to be the one drowning in his misery and this is kind of really unfair to him in a twisted sort of way.) "Paint is fucking ridiculous, I'm telling you." Youngjae says, trying to ignore everything else--focusing entirely on the present and ignoring his own feelings in favor of Jongup's and Daehyun's no matter how hard it is--and looking into the mirror at (what is supposed to be but doesn't look like at all) his reflection--all dirtied and stained. And it's sort of ironic--how his outer appearance can match so well with how he's feeling right now.
Like a mess.
There's an airy sort of laugh bubbling out of Jongup's mouth, and the tension starts to ease out of the awkward atmosphere. Youngjae can't help but feel a little bit relieved by this, and it makes the anger in the pit of his stomach cool down a bit, just enough for him to turn on the sink without his fingers shaking and to dip his head under the coolness of the water, running along his neck and dripping down the edges of his jawline. He grabs for the bar of soap then, scratching his fingers into his hair and blanching when he can actually feel the dried paint under his fingertips. "Seriously though, come help me out, will you? This stuff is gross." He shouts, and over the running water and his fingers turning numb, Jongup's stumbling over his feet to get to the bathroom, footsteps uncoordinated and loud against the wood flooring--and it's enough to make Youngjae chuckle at him--to laugh and wonder how the hell he managed to lose in love against someone so ungraceful and awkward.
And then Youngjae feels guilty, all over again, and Jongup's as oblivious as ever, cheeks tinted a slight red and fringe dangling in front of his face, silently carrying the shampoo and conditioner from the shower to the counter, right next to Youngjae's elbow, sticking out of the sink bowl at an awkward angle. "What the heck happened to you, by the way?" The younger asks, and even though Youngjae's head is still ducked underneath the sink, he can still imagine Jongup tilting his head to the side, eyeing Youngjae's hair while simultaneously popping open the cap of the shampoo and carelessly squeezing it all over the mess of paint.
"Daehyun thought it'd be funny to start a paint war " Youngjae answers simply, and then Jongup's hands are tightening into his hair, curling around his brunette locks with an iron grip. It stings, and Jongup probably doesn't even realize he's doing it, because his ability's kind of hard to feel (like, he has no idea when he's using it), but Youngjae's too stubborn to actually cry out, so he's stuck standing there, biting on his tongue while Jongup continues, running his hands through his scalp like an anvil.
Youngjae takes note to avoid mentioning Daehyun and him around Jongup, especially when he has his hands on him.
"Oh, that sounds like fun..." Jongup mumbles, and his grip sort of slackens--not because he realized he was hurting Youngjae (if it was for that reason, he'd have let go completely, apologies slipping clumsily off of his tongue), but because he's... he's something. Something Youngjae has trouble naming. Something sad and dejected a disappointed. Like something extremely horrible that he's been trying to deny has just been proven right, a fact, concrete. And his ability's dropping along with his heart.
Youngjae can't help but feel like it's partially his fault that Jongup's feeling like this, and it sort of scares him because somewhere--somewhere deep down--he feels pleased. Pleased that he made Jongup feel just as horrible as he did. A sense of accomplishment in the back of his head telling him that yes, he deserves this. He deserves this for making you feel so pathetic, so alone, so stupid.
And Youngjae feels scared and guilty and scared, scared, scared.
"No," Youngjae says, out loud, and he can practically feel Jongup's hands tense up a bit, like he senses he might have done something wrong. Like he can read every single sentence in Youngjae's head that blames him for everything. But before he has a chance to process Youngjae's words, to figure out that Youngjae doesn't quite understand what the hell is happening to him and his head and how it's terrifying him so much, Youngjae continues, "no, Jongup. It wasn't fun at all."
And Jongup calms down a little bit and says, "Oh." Like he doesn't really believe Youngjae. Like he saw every single bit of it and there isn't a single thing he can say that'll convince him otherwise.
"Yeah, I mean, look at me, Jongup," Youngjae makes a show of trying to stick his arms out, but in the position he's in, he only manages to get his elbow lodged somewhere between Jongup's rib cage and his eyes sprayed with water. "I look like a freakin' clown."
Jongup snorts. "Really?" He asks, sarcasm lacing each and every syllable with a smile tied somewhere in between. "Cause I totally didn't notice."
"Hey, watch it," Youngjae laughs, sticking his elbow a little bit further into Jongup's chest. Jongup has enough time to let out a little 'oof' before Youngjae cranes his neck and catches a quick glimpse of Jongup's face in the mirror. He laughs a little bit harder at the sight of Jongup's eyes squeezed tight, mouth caught somewhere between a half-grimace and a small smile. "Sarcasm isn't exactly the safest way to tread in the position you're in."
"Alright, alright," Jongup exclaims, somewhat out of breath and stuck between feeling offended and amused. "I'm sorry, hyung," Jongup says, squeezing at the back of Youngjae's neck gently, "now can you please just move your elbow?"
"I don't know; can I?"
"Oh, come on, hyung, that's not funny."
"You sure?" Youngjae says, retracting his elbow even as he continues, "cause from here it looks pretty funny."
"Ha. Ha. You're hilarious." But, despite the sarcasm, Youngjae sees the smile on his face, and he's kind of happy he's still able to do this. Still able to get Jongup to smile and laugh and forget about all the bad things even after all this time. Even after all the thoughts--threatening and malicious--Youngjae's had about him.
There's a long silence after that, the only sound being of running water and mingling breaths, and it's relaxing and probably just what Jongup needs after all this chaos and activity and all these unwanted feelings mixed with heartache, because it's definitely something Youngjae's been yearning for ever since Daehyun and him came home from shopping only to find a broken home.
It makes it hard though, knowing one of them is going to have to break it sooner or later. Knowing after the silence ends, Youngjae's going to open his big, fat, stupid mouth, and Daehyun and Jongup are probably going to be together.
The silence ends almost instantly then.
"Hey, Jongup?" Youngjae says, voice just above a mere whisper, and he almost thinks Jongup doesn't hear him over the water, because the younger doesn't even twitch, doesn't even bat an eyelash when he softly skims his hand over the hairs on the back of Youngjae neck and hums a cheerful, "yes, hyung?" like he knows Youngjae's completely opposed to initiating this conversation and he's trying ever so gently to pry it out of him.
And the blunt question after that does its job of crushing whatever safe ground Youngjae and Jongup could ever establish between them. "How do you feel about Daehyun?"
There's another long silence after that, but it's not the kind Youngjae wants. It's not peaceful or comfortable or safe.
It's unwelcome.
"Excuse me?" Jongup struggles, voice wavering and hands quivering at the back of Youngjae's neck. Without a warning, Youngjae straightens up and Jongup takes a giant step back, like he's just been accused of murder and Youngjae was some sort of witness or victim he hurt. Youngjae has to ignore whatever idea he has of taking what he said back.
Through wet bangs and glossy eyes, Youngjae says in a voice even quieter than before, "What kind of feelings do you have for Daehyun?" and it's completely sound and patient--he doesn't even sound accusing, but Jongup still manages to find something wrong with it, because he's still trying to back away from Youngjae, even though a wall's standing resolutely behind him, trapping whatever means of escape he has. Youngjae steps his way in front of the door when he sees Jongup's eyes ghosting over the frame. "Jongup, seriously, I'm not going to yell at you or anything. Why are you trying to run away from this?"
"Running? Who's running? I'm not running." Jongup denies, eyes looking anywhere but at Youngjae, voice entirely too quiet.
"Only because I'm blocking your only way out." Youngjae points out obviously, standing his ground in front of the door and crossing his arms across his chest.
"Well, I still wouldn't run."
Youngjae tosses him a look and Jongup catches it, cowering a little backward, looking ashamed and embarrassed and so mortified.
Youngjae feels just about the same.
"Look," The older boy starts (even though he doesn't even know where to start), feeling a little bit cornered himself, "I don't care how you feel about Daehyun." Which was a lie. Because he did care. He cared a lot. And the look that Jongup gives him tells him he knows Youngjae's lying, right through his teeth, but Jongup still doesn't say anything about it, and it bothers the hell out of Youngjae because does Jongup know something he shouldn't? "What's that look for?" Youngjae demands, and this is all bad, because he's getting annoyed and this isn't how he wanted this talk to go. He wanted to be composed. Wanted to be emotionless and indifferent about the whole thing, but instead he's having second thoughts and he's getting angry and why couldn't it have been him?
Jongup shuffles his feet around and Youngjae can't help the heated glare he throws in Jongup's direction. "Don't get angry."
"I'm not angry." Youngjae states, smoothing his wet hair out of his face, before admitting that yeah, he is a little angry and the tables are turning on him right away and way too quick for comfort. He takes a breath. "I'm not angry," He repeats, more convincingly, "just... tell me what that look was."
Jongup gives Youngjae this apologetic glance and takes a deep breath before saying, way too fast and way too sure, "I know you're in love with Daehyun hyung."
And Youngjae can't even hide the bright red blush creeping its way from his ears to his nose. "Am not." He lies, and he despairs at the fact that he's resulted to first grade responses to things like this.
"And I know that there's something going on between you two."
"Okay, hold on," Youngjae says, feeling a little bit hysterical, because Jongup has no right to say something like that when he doesn't even see the horrible sparkle in Daehyun's eyes, hear the inevitable increase in his heartbeat, or the feel of all the adoration slipping out of his actions whenever he's with Jongup. It's not fair--not to Youngjae--when the person his crush is in love with accuses him of something like that and just that is enough to send Youngjae off the deep end, "there's nothing going on between Daehyun and I, okay? Nothing."
"Oh?" Jongup says, sounding completely unconvinced, and Youngjae flushes just a bit more, feeling flustered and trapped. "Because you sure seemed more than friendly when you two were flirting in his room."
Youngjae feels a huge spark of indifference lighting up at the bottom of his spine before he hears himself nearly shouting, voice indignant and just a little bit higher in pitch, "Flirting? You thought that was flirting?" The look on Jongup's face is all the answer he needs. "Oh my God, we weren't flirting, are you crazy?"
"What the hell were you two talking about then? Cause it sure didn't look too friendly."
"We were talking about you, you idiot." Youngjae screams, throwing it right into Jongup face, without even a warning, and Youngjae doesn't even care. He was planning on doing this gently, planning on telling him slowly like the great hyung he is, but now he's way too angry to think about doing this kindly, and Jongup's completely shocked face is too worth it at the moment to regret this. (But at the same time, Youngjae's still angry, because that should be him. He really, really wanted it to be him.)
He gives Jongup a few minutes to recover and soon enough, a few seconds later, the younger is choking out a soft, "Me?"
"Yeah," Youngjae spits out, nodding his head, and feeling a soft, sinking feeling in his stomach and a fresh sting of tears at the back of his eyes. He blinks them away, "you." His heart catches somewhere in his throat and he feels the anger dying down, being replaced with pure sadness, bitter surrender settling in his actions. "Like it's always been. And it annoys the crap out of me, because no matter what I do, no matter what I try to do--" And Youngjae pauses just for a bit, long enough to look at Jongup and see the complete hurt and shock and guilt. Guilt that Daehyun chose him over Youngjae and he had no idea, "no matter what the hell I do, even if I somehow found a way to... to travel back in time and change it," A short puff of laughter travels it's way through his clenched teeth and he has to pause and shake his head because this is ridiculous and he really doesn't need to say all of this, but now that he's started he can't seem to stop, even though the look on Jongup's face is making his heart hurt, "he would still. Choose. You. And--and it really fucking sucks. A lot. But I would rather have you and him together instead of waiting around for Daehyun to realize what the hell I'm feeling instead of just you, okay?" It sounds more like a suggestion instead of an outright demand, and to Jongup, it probably is, because despite the fact that he knows it's hurting Youngjae to talk about this, Youngjae can still see the ring of joy tracing the outline of his dilated pupils, and he's probably enjoying every little bit of this information underneath all of the guilt. "I would rather have you two together than to wait for him to find out one day and reject me." Youngjae rephrases, voice much softer as he stares down at his feet, tired of analyzing every little bit of emotion flashing across Jongup's features.
It takes a few seconds for Jongup to find his voice again, and when he does, when he finally musters up enough sanity to form a single word, Youngjae can't really take it anymore, and he just wants to leave. He wants to leave and go downstairs and grab two plates of kimchi and bolt his way up to Junhong's room and lock himself in there because that's the only place he knows he's safe. "Youngjae, I--"
"No," Youngjae says desperately, huffing another slight breath, and tossing the word out into the air as strong as he can (but it sounds so weak and tired and just plain sad), "no. Don't you dare say anything about it, okay? Don't try to apologize and don't you dare try to deny it, because now you know it's true, and there's nothing holding you back from marching into Daehyun's room and telling him that--that you love him." His voice cracks a little on the word 'love'. "And that's all there is to it, alright? That's all I wanted to say, and you better do something about it before I start... before I start screaming."
And before Jongup has a chance to get another word in, Youngjae's dashing out of Jongup's bathroom, all the way down to the kitchen.
The moment Youngjae marches down the stairs, new set of clothes tossed on and hair dripping wet with speckles of paint dancing across the skin of his neck, Himchan passes him a plate of kimchi, face completely indifferent, glaring ruthlessly at the younger. "Nice to see my somewhat son isn't wearing a complete set of crayola crayons anymore." He says, sass dripping off his vocal chords, hoping to get a reaction out of the younger, but getting completely nothing instead.
Something wasn't right.
"Hey, are you alright?" Himchan asks, decidedly choosing to postpone his lecture to sometime in the future. Youngjae's happiness is conclusively a lot more important than spending hours scrubbing paint out of a few fabrics of cloth, even though it was increasingly more difficult. "That usually would have gotten some sort of reaction from you. Did something happen between you and Jongup?" A sudden spark of recognition ignites at the back of Himchan's head and he leans in a little bit closer to Youngjae, eyes ghosting over the blonde sitting silently at the table already, taking a huge bite of his plate of food. "Do you know about his situation now?"
And that apparently wasn't the right thing to say, because Youngjae eyes turn a little bit darker and his jaw tightens up like he's preparing for a smack to the face. "Yeah." The genius says quietly, "yeah, I know." And before Himchan has a chance to prod any further, Youngjae is stepping forward toward the food and trying to serve another plate.
"Err, what're you doing?" Himchan questions, gaining the immediate attention of Daehyun mid-bite.
"Getting a plate for Junhong." Youngjae answers simply.
Himchan mouths a little 'o' of recognition. "Yongguk already took care of that."
The explanation seems to further upset Youngjae's mood, and Himchan really wants to know what the hell happened upstairs, but decides it's not exactly the best idea with the possible center of the conversation sitting right in front of him on the kitchen table, stuffing his face with as much kimchi as possible. "You think I can go join them?" The request sounds more like a plea to Himchan's ears, and he almost wants to tell him that he can, only Yongguk told him specifically not to let anybody interrupt, because he was going to attempt discussing that day with Junhong and he didn't want any of the kids hearing anything about it.
And honestly, Himchan didn't want himself to hear about it, let alone any of the kids.
"No can do, Youngjae, sorry," Himchan says, "but, hey, you still have Daehyun and me! Well... mostly me. Daehyun over here might be a little busy gorging himself with food."
As if on cue, the blonde glances up at Himchan, a shovel of food hanging out of his mouth. Himchan feels a little prickle of disgust making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. "Huh?" He asks through the mouthful.
"Daehyun please--please--do not talk with your mouth full. It is not sightly at all." Honestly, what in the world does Jongup see in you? Himchan thinks helplessly, feeling a small spark of possessiveness creeping up on him. Jongup was the closest thing Himchan had to an adoring son, and now that another person has jeopardized that lovely imagine, Himchan can't help but feel a tiny bit threatened. (Himchan may still have Junhong, but he was the farthest thing from adoring there was.
And now he might not even have that.
And Himchan completely shuts out whatever thought he was going to think then. Whatever thought about Junhong and pain and--)
Sorry. he blonde writes, carefully chewing whatever food he still had in his mouth while he wrote on a post-it, staining the paper with grease.
Himchan wasn't even going to bother telling him just how unsightly that was. "Do you know if Jongup's going to be down anytime soon?" The second oldest questions, looking over at Youngjae with imploring eyes and a curious mind. The only thing the genius does in reply is drag his plate over to the far end of the opposite side of the table--far away from both Himchan and Daehyun--sitting as silent as possible and staring almost depressingly down at his food as he shakes his head quickly, catching a quick peek at Daehyun. Himchan thinks Youngjae's trying to warn him of the specific reason why Jongup won't be down anytime soon, and he wonders if he should just give up and bring Jongup's plate to his room.
Actually, that's not such a bad idea--it'll give Himchan enough time to get updated on the whole situation.
"Kay, well, I'm gonna go pay our favorite bodybuilder a visit." Himchan says smoothly, casting furtive glances between Daehyun and Youngjae. When he gets back, he hopes Youngjae will be in a better mood and more responsive to answering questions. "You two have fun!" He exclaims, grabbing two plates of kimchi: one for him and one for Jongup, before making his way out of the kitchen and up the stairs, leaving Daehyun and Youngjae completely alone.
Unaware that that was probably one of the worst decisions he could have made.
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